[kkrrhh]

I really hope it's ok to post this here, for some reason this section felt most right. I feel kind of silly asking this, I've just been battling it a long time and feel anyone I can ask in real life is too biased.

So I have a friend I've known since 3rd grade, we grew apart for a few years, reconnected when we were about 15, and have been best friends ever since (now 23). I don't have many close friends, and I'm far more comfortable with her than I am any friend, though I've worried I'm almost too dependent on her. She has pretty much always been a pretty selfish person, despite being good and caring in some ways, and especially the past few years I've felt like I do far more for her than she does for me.

She's struggled with alcoholism pretty badly for a few years now, which of course is not something I judge her for and I try to help in ways I can. However, the results of it have gotten to be too much. She constantly cancels plans, she absolutely can not be depended on. Even if plans are made ahead of time, she'll end up drunk or badly hungover too often (or sometimes just cancels them even if sober), it doesn't feel like she's there for me because I can never know when I'll be able to get ahold of her and when I'll end up waiting days for a reply and half-*** explanation, whereas I'm always there for her. I also feel sometimes like she uses her alcoholism as a catch all and an excuse for anything and everything she ever does wrong. I have really stuck with her through this for a while, but it's been about 3 or 4 years with one failed attempt at rehab, and she does not seem willing to try to get help/get better right now. I'm not even sure if I like her as a person much anymore. She's so comfortable to hang out with, but I worry the comfort is too big a part of what's made me keep her around. I also almost wonder whether cutting her off and not depending on her so much would push me to try to meet new people more often, which I'm very lazy and avoidant about.

I'm not trying to act perfect, but honestly I really have been SO patient and done so much for her, and it doesn't feel like she does the same anymore. I've literally had around half a dozen people who know us both ask why I'm still her friend, or some variation of that, at different times. And it's because she's been my best friend and felt worth it, but about the past year or so I've wondered whether that's even true anymore or if I'm just telling myself that out of habit. She suffers with depression too, and one of my big worries is that from that and/or alcohol, something terrible will happen and I'll feel so regretful that I wasn't there to do something and blame myself (even if that's irrational.) I also worry because at some times seeing her is good for my mental health too, and I grow close to people slowly so I've worried I'll be too lonely if I cut her off and don't have anyone I'm super close to.

The past few months especially things haven't been great, and a growing spell of her barely talking and only answering my texts a few days or a week later (but popping up instantly whenever she needs help, as always) just felt like the last straw. At first I was worried she's just becoming done with me, then I decided I was done with her and had been adjusting my mind to the idea of cutting her out of my life. After a bit she realized I was mad at her, texted me about it, and when I was more upfront with her than I usually am and explained why I was angry, she acted like she had the right to be mad. Then, suddenly, just because it happened to be the right time for her, it was some urgent "oh god we've gotta meet up and talk this out," despite her having been absent half the time until that. Now the past couple weeks we've been occasionally texting, putting off meeting up for various reasons, and according to her we're supposed to meet up and talk it out and get things off our chest. She keeps saying she's scared and doesn't want it to turn into a fight like it could, and while I know I'm biased, believe me, anyone who knows the situation would agree I have so much more to be angry about than her and it shouldn't even be a 2 sided fight.

I just honestly don't know if I feel like it's worth the effort. Meeting up sounds extremely unpleasant at this point, and if she does have the attitude that she has as much right to be angry as me like she's made it sound, I feel it'll definitely turn into a fight. And at this point I'm feeling so done that I feel like if I can't make her see things more rationally, I can at least have the control of not letting it happen at all, and just not meet up with her. While I would love to just let years' worth of **** off my chest, I don't want to get too angry and say all the hurtful things I could (I've held a LOT in), and end things like that instead, then regret it. I try not to put tooo much legitimacy into the Meyers-Briggs test, but I'm an INFJ and I've often heard of what people call the INFJ door slam. It sounds exactly like what's going on for me. I've considered cutting her out of my life many times, wanted to so badly when I was mad, but out of nowhere this time feels like I really could and maybe should.

One main worry is that I have been more depressed and disconnected lately, and I worry about how that's affecting my decisions. Preferably, if I'm not too mad after a bit, I could occasionally talk to her but try to keep a lot more distance, but she demands this big talk (which is kinda necessary I guess). I also know that if I meet up with her, it may be too likely that emotions will return and make me instantly want to make up and go back to being super close, and have things continue the way they've been. Because in person, sometimes I don't handle emotions well when it comes to things like this, and I'm too nice and literally can't stand confrontation or hurting someone in any way, even if it's justified. I feel like it's all or nothing, and if I just stick to this and stay totally cut off, since I've already dealt with the effort and emotions of the first month or 2 of doing that, I'll eventually get through it. It's surprised me how much I've felt like I should stick with it and cut her off and be fine with it, but I do occasionally see things differently and feel sad and wrong and scared and wonder why I'd even cut her off.


I'm just really confused. I know in a lot of cases it's not easy cutting off negative or "toxic" friends even when it's the right choice. How can you tell how much sadness is just normal from losing a friend, or whether you're actually feeling that it's not the "right" choice? Any advice?

[Ocean Swimmer]

Well if you've had 1/2 dozen other friends say ,"Ditch her.". Then get a little closer to them and they can be your emotional support.

If she keeps insisting on a big talk you could have an alcohol intervention.

Also go to Alanon for support, so you are surrounded by people who understand.

[kkrrhh]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Well if you've had 1/2 dozen other friends say ,"Ditch her.". Then get a little closer to them and they can be your emotional support.

If she keeps insisting on a big talk you could have an alcohol intervention.

Also go to Alanon for support, so you are surrounded by people who understand.

I have considered an intervention. It's all such bad timing because I had finally been considering trying to do one kind of recently, then this happened. I've wondered whether right now would be a bad time to do it and if it'd be better to get through making up first then try it, but honestly I don't feel like waiting to do all that.

I've also considered asking her mom and a mutual friend what they think about doing it, since they're probably her 2 other closest people, but she's much closer to the friend than I am and I'm worried she or my friend's mom would tell my friend or even think it was weird. :/ Hmm.

Thanks for the advice.

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

She constantly cancels plans, she absolutely can not be depended on. Even if plans are made ahead of time, she'll end up drunk or badly hungover too often (or sometimes just cancels them even if sober), it doesn't feel like she's there for me because I can never know when I'll be able to get ahold of her and when I'll end up waiting days for a reply and half-*** explanation, whereas I'm always there for her. I also feel sometimes like she uses her alcoholism as a catch all and an excuse for anything and everything she ever does wrong.

This part really stood out to me.

I think she needs help, but she has to truly want it in order for it to work. I agree that it doesn't sound like she truly wants to get help, especially with a failed attempt at rehab.

Understand that there's only so much you can do for a person. You can try to help them as much as you want, but if they don't want to get better, what can you do? It's a tough situation to be in, but it sounds like you're wasting your breath with her.

I think I agree with your 1/2 dozen friends who say "ditch her". You gave it an honest effort and you did everything you could to help her, but she doesn't want change or isn't ready for it.

An intervention may help, but again, what if she doesn't want to change? Then you're back to square one. You have to ask yourself how many times you're going to try helping her. (I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T help her. I'm saying that you might be going in circles with her and wasting your breath.)

I understand it's sad and tough to lose a friend like this, because you want to help them, but sometimes you have to do what's right for you and right for your friend.

Edit:
Like OceanSwimmer said, you're probably better off getting closer to your 1/2 dozen friends.

[BastetsMuse]

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

I'm just really confused. I know in a lot of cases it's not easy cutting off negative or "toxic" friends even when it's the right choice. How can you tell how much sadness is just normal from losing a friend, or whether you're actually feeling that it's not the "right" choice? Any advice?

No, it's not easy cutting off toxic friends. If you think a "last conversation" is going to turn into a screaming match, avoid it by all means. If you think you can be specific with your friend about what bothers you in your friendship - and you want to keep this friendship, which you don't sound too sure about -- then be specific and stand your ground. This is not your fault; your friend isn't there for you for whatever reasons, and yes, the alcohol is part of that. As someone else said, you might want to do an intervention... or you might just want to do a fade and not contact her any more at all. What is best for you?

[Keegan2015]

Sounds like a complicated situation. Grappling with an addiction can make even the best of us a ******, selfish jerk to be around.

FYI though if you're trying to stage an "intervention," I believe you're only supposed to do one under the supervision of a professional counselor ... otherwise things can get dangerous and unhinged.