[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I don't have any idea what to do about this! I have NO energy in me, I'm vacillating between sobbing uncontrollably, and panic-high-energy getting things done that have to get done. My husband keeps asking me what he can to do help. I told him I freak out when the kitchen is a disaster and I have to use it. I need his help seeing what has to get done and doing that. He's totally willing, but he needs me to tell him what to do, and I just can't. It's exhausting and humiliating and draining to have to ask him to do the crap that I do all the time without being asked. How hard is it to see that the sinks is full of dishes and wash them!?

Don't get me wrong - he'll do them, and without complaint. But my tolerance is way lower right now. This morning I had to leave early to go pick up my son at a sleepover, because he tore his fingernail out bike riding. I got home an hour and a half after we got the call (my husband got up & dressed when I did, but stayed home with our daughter). I figured by the time I was home there would be coffee ready and stuff in the kitchen put away. Nope. I had to make the coffee, and couldn't even navigate that because of last night's dishes. I saw them there last night, but we had just had a talk (he was talking, I was sobbing) about how the kitchen was triggering me yesterday. I thought I should clean them so there weren't still there in the morning, but I went to bed while he was still up, and he usually gets up before me. I figured at one point he would do it since we had talked about how much I needed that help.

I just can't figure out how to get relief here. He keeps asking what he can do to help, but he JUST DOESN'T GET IT! Today, I made the coffee after cleaning all the sink & kitchen. He had told me he would do it, but decided to brew a batch of beer first, which takes 4 hours. He acknowledged that he probably wouldn't be able to get it done on 'my' timeline. So what - the rest of the family is supposed to be on hold in terms of meals & stuff!? So I cleaned it again this morning. And yelled at my poor son in the middle of it because he wanted me to open the door for him & couldn't hear me yelling to go around to the unlocked door. And then I lost it sobbing in the kitchen. Again. And my husband asked what he could do to help. Again.

The thing is, my daughter has to bring baked goods to school tomorrow morning. We all know this. He even went and bought a box mix so that I wouldn't be burdened with making it from scratch - my daughter can do it from the mix. But that's not in his head when he makes his decision to take himself out of the equation for 4 hours. When is she supposed to bake if the kitchen isn't clean enough to work in!?!?!

So I cloistered myself in the bedroom. He did end up vacuuming this afternoon, which was great, but non-essential to the household functioning (it's 2 rugs under the kitchen & coffee tables. And then, instead of overseeing the baking, he decided he needed to hem a few pairs of his pants. Which he has never done before. And he asked for my help pinning them, but assured me he wasn't asking me to do anything else on his project. Guess how that worked out? He thought he would get it done in 10 minutes. I knew it would take him at least an hour and a half. And he needed help with the sewing machine foot, then getting the right needle, then trouble shooting the tension, then untangling the seams/thread mess, then ended up essentially busting the machine in terms of functioning tonight. So that was 1 pair of pants; the other 2 are still waiting, pending fixing of the machine.

In the middle of this, he realizes it's time to get dinner started. Because he is in the middle of his sewing project, he can't start it. Because he didn't supervise the baking, she's still knee deep in it, and all the cooking surfaces are covered. And now she's trying to get her project finished up in the same space I'm trying to prep dinner. And once he finishes the sewing, he stands there watching me prep, then goes and gets a sample of some kombucha or something, and stands there sipping it. Then offers me some, while I'm up to my elbows in chopping veggies, trying not to burn the raw meat on the stove, washing the knife so I can keep cutting, and trying not to trample my daughter. I declined to take a drink at that point, and his feelings got hurt - he huffed away.

So I eventually finish dinner, clean up the cooking, tell them to come and get it, and leave to come get pajamas on and crawl into bed & under my pillow. I told him not to wait for me. I have neither appetite nor energy now. It took EVERYTHING out of me to cook that damn meal. And now I'm dissolving. And he comes in to try to comfort me and ask if they're making it worse!? I don't have any idea how to react. So I tell him that it's making it harder on me that they aren't forecasting timing & needs to get things done, and that that's stressing me out because even though he's WILLING to do the work, I can see what all has to get done and I know when not doing one thing sooner will impact the ability to do something else later. He got mad and said there's no way he can live up to my unreasonable expectations. That he would have gotten it done if I had just left it to him. That he ASKED me if I had the energy to make dinner, because he KNEW I was feeling low; if I had just said NO, he would have taken care of it. [I didn't go into the fact that he's somehow managed to prioritized all the things he wants and needs to do over the things that have to get done for the rest of the household.] So I told him, that I DID have the energy to do it, which is WHY I did it; but that it took ALL my energy, and now I'm all out of everything to give.

Now he's pissed that I have an unreasonable demand and that I didn't just tell him I couldn't do it and ask him to. Whatever; if he knows I'm low and has to ask me to tell him to do something, I'm not interested. I have already told him NUMEROUS times that I don't want to have to ask him to do things he knows need doing (dinner and dishes DEFINITELY fall in that category). That it makes me feel ashamed and guilty. That I can't fathom asking him to stop something he's working on to do something so that I can crawl into bed and pretend I don't exist - because that's ludicrous.

So long story short, my kids are already upset that I'm not out there eating with them. This after I've already lost my temper with one of them today FOR NO REASONABLE REASON (I apologized profusely to him and explained he didn't deserve that and that it had nothing to do with him). And now he's pissed, so he starts getting all short-tempered with them and snapping at stuff I think is unreasonable. Not that it's bad - he's not yelling or anything - but his normal patience with them is totally gone because he's so wrapped up in his frustration with me that he can't separate that from anything else.

So I feel like I need to try harder to fake it - he asked if he was making it worse, and I gave him a small bit of why it got harder for me today that had to do with him. I guess he was really coming to me to get reassured that he's doing everything he can and has no part in the reasons I'm flaring up all over the place lately. I'm sick of him needing me to make him feel better about me feeling so screwed up and angry and depressed and irritable. I know that the core of it isn't him, but I just need some extra help WITHOUT having to supervise it - directing him to do specific jobs, like this isn't his family, too, and he is some helpless little thing who can't figure out what has to happen next without being told. He's a strong, capable man - why the hell is he unable to just get s**t done!?

Holy hell - that was long. Sorry to anyone who tried to get through this...I just needed it off my chest. He's wandering the house in a funk now, and I know he won't be able to just let it go. He's going to have to talk it out at some point, and I needed to unload all that beforehand so that I can listen to him and tell him it's all fine, that this is all happening because of me and this damn condition. Holding all this inside during that conversation would make it all worse than it already is...

[Roaming_bird]

It can be so hard when a partner isn't supportive or doesn't get what we need. I was just there yesterday and ended up bawling my eyes out to my husband because he just didn't understand that I needed him to seriously help out without me nagging him or rolling his eyes at me.

I think what they sometimes don't get is that there are times when we have a hard time functioning (depression) and other times when we can do just fine (mania). I can imagine it's hard because they don't know what to expect, but when we say "I need your help!" they have to step in and help.

I hope you feel better.

[hopeless2015]

So sorry, I just talked to my dh about how stressed I am over the mess at our house and he promised last Sunday to help clean things up, yep you guessed it...still not done. There is no reason that others in the household can't help and its not unreasonable to ask for help

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[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I'm sorry you guys are going through this, too. The hardest thing is that he honestly wants to help me, but just doesn't get that I need him to prioritize what's hard/triggering for me right now BEFORE his projects. I honestly just need those things DONE. And I can't wait for 4 hours or until tomorrow or Wednesday night, or whatever. If I see it and need to be in the space (especially with the kitchen - all day, every day!), I go into panic mode and can't function until it's done. If it's there, I'll do it because I just can't stand to ask him to. I figure, he sees it, and he would have done it if it was a priority for him. But then, when it's not done, I can't just stop at the dishes (which is what I need in order to wash hands, rinse produce, get a drink of water, cook a meal, etc.) - then I have to wash down all the counters, remove the stove grates and scrub the stovetop, wipe down the coffee station - I can't feel right until that's done.

I'm getting anxious right now just thinking about it, which is bizarre, because this morning he did it all before he left. I came out, and the only things in the kitchen/sink were my son's bowl & plate he had used after my husband left. So he gets it, or at least he did this morning - it's just more work than it's worth for me physically and emotionally to get him to understand what I need.

Anyhow - I can't tell you both how much I appreciate you not only reading that massive missive, but responding as well. It's encouraging just to know others are rowing in the same boat I am...