[Roaming_bird]

I feel silly posting this, but I used to have a best friend, K. She had very similar mental problems as me (although hers was depression). She happened to live quite close and her daughter was good friends with mine.

When she was inpatient, I visited her constantly. I brought her books. I offered to help with her kids. That sort of thing.

When I was inpatient, she basically ignored me. No offer to help. No visit. Nothing.

We used to meet weekly for lunch. Recently she's been busy with school, plans with other friends, unable to meet until weeks out, busy with her kids, that sort of thing. She kept cancelling on me.

I was pretty upset and called her and asked if she was mad at me, and she promised she wasn't, it was just she was so busy.

I was passive aggressive and cancelled a lunch date with her. Told her we should reschedule it. Never heard back from her.

She and her husband have a party every year. I've gone for close to 9 years. I didn't get an invitation this year.

I am hurt. I know I contributed to the problem by cancelling on her and waiting to return her phone calls for a day or two. But not getting invited felt like a slap in the face. I had grown to know and like the other people who were always there.

Maybe she didn't have it this year. Or maybe she dumped me.

We trade kid's clothes, and we have a massive bag of her clothes she lent us and other clothes that we bought that just don't fit. My husband texted her about dropping them off. She said ok, but that's all.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Roaming bird: Sounds like this person has moved on for whatever reason. Perhaps she's trying to avoid being around other persons who struggle with mental health issues, as a way of trying to remedy her own. It's unfortunate she can't just come out & tell you what's going on. But it's her choice. We never know what may be going on in another person's mind or what may be happening when we're not with them. I wish you well as you move on...

[DesigningWoman]

I have really bad issues of codependency. When I perceive someone is pushing me away, I cling tighter and tighter to get them to love me and stay.
My big sister always tells me "turn down the volume". Basically take step back, stop fighting so hard and so desperately, and let the person be.
She also says: "it really isn't always about you. People are essentially self/centered. Most of what they are thinking or feeling has nothing to do with you."
I have no idea what might be truly happening in his or her life and head. I may well be making problems (if one even exists) between us a lot worse. I need to go my own way and take care of myself. Maybe check back in with that person in a awhile (like weeks) in a light, not super serious way. Occasionally someone will get back with me first. Yes friends have walked away and I have walked away from friends. It happens. It hurts. But agonizing and trying to force a relationship to continue that has run it's course, that's even worse.
My best advice would be let her go, focus on getting you better and healthier, and maybe making a new friend or two.

[Ocean Swimmer]

I'm sorry she's acting like this.
Guess you'll need to replace her.
It's really not important why she's acting like this. She's just being a *****. So ditch her.

I think she's being non-confrontational. She probably doesn't want to tell you the real reason because she knows it will upset you.

Face it: if she tells you "I don't like you anymore", then you're probably going to wonder what you did wrong, what you can do to change her mind, etc. and she probably doesn't want to answer those questions. It's probably easier and more convenient for her to ignore you. She wants to avoid confrontation.

I've had friends do this to me before, so I'm familiar with this sort of behavior. I think it's a mean thing to do, but people do it.

Even if she didn't dump you, it sounds like you have a very one-sided friendship with her. You're doing lots of nice things for her and she does nothing for you.

If you really wanna know why she's acting this way, you could just apologize even if you don't know what you did. Basically, send a text like: "Sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way." (I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but a text like that is meant to make her respond.)

[gina_re]

Sounds passive aggressive to me. I would take a step back and let her figure what her problem is.

[Roaming_bird]

Thanks. At this point, I'm going to let the friendship fade. I have other friends who i'm much more engaged with and spend time with.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Congratulations on your choice.

[BlueInanna]

I seem to be the only one, but I would make an effort to reconcile. Someone that you've been through that much with, it really could be a miscommunication or something that could be worked out. Girlfriends are so important, especially as I get older. Sure plenty have faded away. But quite a few I have regrets that I did not put in more effort to keep the friendship going.
I would get offended by things they would or would not do. My ex therapist would tell me perhaps I should lower my standards. That made me mad at the time, I did not like that idea. But truth was, I did not want to be judged or held to high standards while I was going through a hard time. I do try to be a good friend, but I'm far from it at times like when I isolate. So I considered how I'd like to be forgiven in those times, and so I should be forgiving towards my girlfriends as well.
Just another perspective.

[C2015]

You did not contribute to the problem. She's not the only one who can cancel meeting for lunch. You have every right to cancel lunch with her if you want to.

[Roaming_bird]

To be honest, I'm tired of it. I'm not angry but simply tired. If she contacts me or in the future if I reach out to her, things will probably be just fine, at least on my end. As our kids have grown up, I'm finding we have very different parenting skills and family values. She has new friends and so do I.

I know relationships take work. But I'm saddened by her actions and disappointed in myself for either not working harder at maintaining the friendship or not breaking it off cleaner. I have a tendency to leave things unsaid because I avoid conflict.

I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts here. There is a lot for me to continue processing.