Seams of reality

The dark pit in my gut. Something is not right. Panic need to run as in split town. I looked at buying a house in another state today, talked to people about realtors and fixing my credit. I got super excited supportive yes do it's from close family members. A close friends said awesome but remember leaving the long term relationship is a big decision. I can't stand his snoring in my face while I lay here not able to sleep. So many things I'm mad at him about & resentment is only getting worse. Must run far away. My kids will like it there. It's always really just been me & them anyway. We could actually afford to live in a different state.
I can feel people bad wishes on me. A lot of people are very bad. My mom raised me too nice and trusting, giving too many chances. When I really should have learned long ago to walk away and not look back. "No regrets" I have no idea what that even means how could anyone with feelings have no regrets it's so human. I guess some people don't have feelings. I'm not one of those and don't belong around those. I can't wait to move away from here.
I wish I could vow to never trust another person again.
Panic under the pressure I can throw my hands up and say yea I'm cracking. I can say it to the universe not really to the general public. What the heck are they anyway robots? Is anything even real?
This might be the time I have known is coming. Reality physical reality coming apart at the seams. The pieces of wood on the door splitting off into streams of grain and then balls of molecules then just to the universal flow and then into nothing once again.
I've lost everything almost everything of physical comfort. The last bits are happening within 3 months. I don't have much time left. I don't feel like I'm falling off the planet anymore. My depressions have become manias. And it's wonderful because now I have this one last chance to make a life for my children in the more positive dimension we are going to. Not meaning death, unless the world were to end. Mania is supercharged I must choose wisely. Cannot choose negativity anymore, that just brings me more of that and more negative jerks. They want to judge & envy and steal or crush my spirit. I am going so far away from here and I will finally be able to breathe. Finally live in harmony. I'm wiser now I'm going to see right through anyone who's gonna bring me down.

Ok. Good plan.
Maybe find a short term rental in that state that's furnished.

Then you can have a place while you're in escrow on the house.

Take decision making slow- think twice, because of the mania.
Are you still taking your Meds? Get Pdoc to write a 90 day script so you'll have enough Meds for the move.

God Bless. I know you're thinking a lot about your children. Love you!

This is too big for me to opine.
Whishing you the very best in your future endeavors.

Thanks yes I think it's a good plan too! I'm hoping to set it up for my 2 older children 20 & 21 to live until I can come up with my 14 year old. They can pay me rent. It gives me time to make sure they're ok & that it's really the best idea to move 14 year old who will be going into highschool. Thank lord he does not show any signs of bp like the 3 of us. He's very warm, funny, athletic, sociable. I've been thinking of it for years. Used to talk to t a lot about worrying about making him move to a new place. Really I think he will do fine. We are very close, strong bond.
I thought about that, asking pdoc for extra months of meds. Will do when I leave. Would be in June. Really good reminder thanks.

So many things set me off into this spiral. The extra seroquel I took last night made me feel hungover this morning - I haven't had any wine in about a week so it's not that. Still in bed can't move. Missing work again. I need refills and have no one I trust or who knows to help me with that. It's quite a drive down to town. That makes me sad and lonely.

My ins does Meds by mail.
Or you could ask pharmacy to mail them to you.