One Year Since My Hypomanic Episode

This month marks one year since I had a severe hypomanic episode, and this week marks when I really began to spiral out of control. I'm feeling haunted by the experience, and the results are sadness, some depression, a heavy feeling in my chest - sounds like I'm mourning the experience.

I find myself thinking a lot of the events and people that led me to fall apart. I'm thinking a lot about whether or not my hypomania could've been avoided or not. It looks like it couldn't have, but damn, I wish there was a way it could've been avoided.

I feel such anger and even hate towards the people who gave me so much stress that I ended up going crazy. I was working at a small nonprofit that also functioned as a small private school. It had no structure, the bosses were shady and abusive, it was constant chaos and drama every day, and morale was incredibly low. Even worse, one of the fathers at one point made a move on me, and then backtracked, only to accuse me as the one who made a move on him. So I was also being slandered which caused hostility and harassment from some of the parents. The results were paranoia, possible auditory hallucinations, deep depression, explosive outbursts and roller coaster moods. I also barely slept during this time. For about 6 weeks, I must've been sleeping 3 -5 hours a day. I recall one night staying up until 2am, just staring at the walls as my mind raced frantically. By the time I calmed down in early April, my brain felt as if it had been in a frying pan. I didn't really recover until around Memorial Day weekend. I left that job from hell in early July.

But right now, I am feeling so haunted by all that happened. I feel like I'm mourning. I've changed for good. I feel as though I've lost some innocence, like a part of me is (obviously) never going to be the same. I have an illness, a condition, a disorder. Events or people could trigger me. I'm unwell.

For those of you who recovered from your hypomania, did you ever feel haunted by your experience? Did you mourn at all?

Just throwing this out there to see how others deal with anniversaries or feeling haunted by the experiences.

I mourn, but I think that I mourn for the part of me I've lost. I've spent stupid amounts of money, ended relationships, started them, quit jobs, and started new ones...and so many other things I look back at and shake my head.
I think that every episode takes a little bit of me away with it, and for that I mourn.

I don't know if this is what you are describing exactly but my brain tends to take bits and pieces of what is negative when I'm having an episode and it gets stuck in a loop in my head. So I deal with a lot of repeats of every time I ever screwed up at work because I was hypomanic or times I've tried to help someone and come across as grandiose or delusional. It's hard to make those thoughts stop. I know they can but it's very hard to get it to happen. It's actually probably time for me to try to handle it in therapy. Again.

I don't have answers, just wanted to tell you that I know it can get better and I know how hard it is to wait it out. Do you have a pdoc? It sounds like you might benefit from something for anxiety maybe?

I do have a Pdoc, though I may change if the next sessions doesn't go well (he seems to rush me out of there). I'm on Lexapro and Abilify.

The part of negative events getting stuck in a loop in my head is exactly what happened while I had my hypomanic episode last year. It was pure hell. Such a nightmare it was, feeling so helpless and unable to control everything around and inside of me.

Hi Pearl. Try to forgive yourself. Accept that those events are in the past.
Living in the present helps break that loop of self incrimination.

You are a special person. Unique. Strive to be happy.

Hi pearl, my last hypo episode cost me more than I care to remember right now.
It cost me a lot of money and seriously damaged my most cherished relationships.
It has changed me forever and it will take some time to repair those relationships.
To answer your question, yes, I feel haunted by my hypo experiences and I am
hoping I can stay in control of my bp but only time will tell.
Also pearl I just wanted to say that as a child I had family in Brooklyn and used
to spend some time there. N.Y. was always a second home to me.

Thanks Ocean Swimmer. It's hard to forgive myself because I made such a mess, and some people aren't comfortable around me. It's like, how do I take responsibility when in some ways, it was beyond my control? I've always been about taking responsibility for one's actions. But how do you do that when your brain can turn you upside down? I find it tough, don't know about everyone else.

Yep, Brooklyn is a cool place. Expensive, but cool!