[dwr3]

Hi there. English is not my first language, so forgive me for any mistakes. I wanted to share my story with you, so maybe you can help me with identifying my issues and give me some advice. It's very difficult for me to address my problems, because there are so many things that bother me, slipping out of control occassionally. It's scary to admit, but I've spent like the last nine years wandering on forums and articles about neurological and psychological issues, overanalyzing, thinking, obsessing...and it didn't lead me to any certain point of understanding. I don't really know how to be the person I am, crazy as it sounds. Have trouble coping. I'm never at peace.
I don't know what it means to be normal, because I never was. I don't know how it is to feel normal, and - therefore - I don't know where I'm going with all that self-help and research.
I live in a small town in Poland (Europe).
I want to skip all that family story, because that would get too long. However, I was raised in poverty, in an old house with a lot of people- my aggressive, constantly shouting grandfather, passive grandmother who is an orphan, an aunt, and two of my uncles- one severely depressed and lost and the other one: an alcoholic, a deviant (exhibitionist) and maybe a schizophrenic (or maybe it was just alcohol, but I remember him either running with a knife shouting he sees his dead mother or wandering around the garden, he never spoke to me though I lived there for over 15 years). And there ofc were my parents, I lived in one room with them. Never had any privacy. It certainly wasn't a proper house for a child. Not a house I could invite friends to. In my eyes, it was a pathology. I wasn't happy there. I was frustrated and anxious.
Now I live in an apartment with my parents. My mother is an adult child of the alcoholics, she's sweet and helpless on one hand, intrusive and narcissistic on the other. My father is very anxious, neurotic, always stressed, an OCD type, also narcissistic. Sometimes verbally offensive. They're not bad, but I had too much of a "never trust anyone, everything outside is evil" thing in my childhood. I was often neglected, early developed a high level of anger, anxiety and an OCD- type worry. It's a broad topic, I could say a lot more, but I ain't writing a book now, right.
I'm 21 now. A woman.
I have an amazing long- term memory. I could think of a particular time in my life and get flooded with tons and tons of memories, like even the most unimportant stuff. That causes me a problem in writing threads like this, because I'm not sure what to choose.

Age 3-6
I was a very anxious child. Very afraid for my mom, especially in dreams. I had the one when she was buying a ring with a skull on it and I felt it was a bad choice and had to convince her. Yet, I also dreamed about some witchy scary woman that would follow me. I couldn't sleep without her, had to at least keep her hand or sth. Yet she was very often away, working.
I hated other children very much. I didn't want to share toys. I didn't want to play with them. I felt angry towards them. Or indifferent. My relatives often commented on that, how badly "raised" I was in their minds. But it was mostly about other family children. I didn't get along very much. I prefered toys to which I was attached to, to the point of secretly stealing some of my favourites from the kindergarden for the summer break. I also had an outbursts of anger where i would destroy things, mostly paper stuff. I had my very rich fantasy world.
I had some OCD traits, like the pieces of clothing which were too tight irritated me. I had ticks. I had panic attacks while eating out. Often felt sick, actually I remember vomiting once in the kindergarden, it would make me emetophobic for the next 10 years. Remember believing that if I wear a particular piece of clothing, I would get sick. I remember hallucinating twice for a short moment.

Age 7- 11
I don't remember primary school very much. I didn't cause much trouble. Yet, I was bullied for my looks and in general. At the age of 9 my hormonal problems started, I had terrible acne and hirsutism, physically matured very fast. I was often verbally offended, in competition with that one girl, "like/hate" kind of thing. They would laugh at me and write embarassing stories about me. I was often purposally left alone while playing together. I was also physically clumsy, really bad at P.E and Maths. I was terrible at physical activity. I had panic attacks while walking alone, I couldn't go to summer camps. I mean, I tried twice, but I was so anxious my parents had to drive half of the country to get me back. I couldn't stand it. I remember one girl telling me I was spoiled and ill-mannered.
Also, as I got my first period (which I was very ashamed about) i made friends with that girl and we talked about sex a lot. Obsessively. It's a hard thing to admit, but I was so alone at that point that watching kinky stuff and masturbating was actually the only thing that made me feel good. And daydreaming, ofc. Later on, I would discuss with people about really serious topics, like life and death, used sophisticated language. I was friends with the loners.
I had panic attacks back then, the trees at night setting shadows on the walls would make me terribly scared, things generally reminded me of horror characters (I've seen a lot of horror movies). Often got hypnagogia.
At that time, my childhood depression was about to start, I was really sick of living at that house, was often crying or felt frustrated.

Age 11-12
I moved with my parents to another country. I was the only non English speaking person back then at school. I got severely bullied, physically as well as verbally. I lasted the whole year, hiding, avoiding everyone, feeling totally not in the right place. I couldn't cope. I didn't understand the lessons much at first, couldn't start a conversation. People would start fights with me, kept coming to "check" me once they've heard about me, were waiting for me in particular places, following me. I was pushed and spitted at. It was hell. I cried nearly every day, my suicidal thoughts started to occur. Each morning on a bus to school I would literally pray for meeting someone of my nationality, who'd understand me. It was a terrible idea to send me there. After that year we moved back to our country and town.

Age 12-15
As I said, I came back to my country and again had to go to another school. "The middle school", that's how we call it. And there, I was again and outsider, some girl who just moved back from another country. But it wasn't easy for me to interact with people after the previous year. I laughed, but I was unsecure and scared. I grew so scared of school I would have a full blown panic attack at 80% of the lessons. I didn't have anyone, I was invisible. They would sometimes just laugh at me, though there was that one girl that I was friends with. I often felt ashamed, embarassed, anxious.
I had this episodes of depression where I would constantly cry and thought of suicide. I didn't get much help from my parents, but I found myself a psychiatrist and they took me to him. I was subscribed Sertagen, it did nothing to me. I didn't get therapy. I mean, only the family one, but my parents didn't want to participate.
I was diagnosed with underactive thyroid and there is something wrong with my adrenal glands which only now I began to discover. I had bad doctors back then, they literally drugged me with high dosage of steroid hormones and contraception pills. I gained like 20 kilograms. I also began to have intrusive thoughts.
When I look at the pictures from that time, I'm like the most unhappy teen on Earth. Unsecure, frustrated, isolated.
I later had a group of Internet friends, mostly 20-30 yo women, sexually frustrated, they couldn't stand me later because I was so negative and complaining. I also had that real friend aged 25 and she also stopped being friends with me, because I was very emotional and critical.
And know the interesting part is gonna start, keep reading.

Age 16- 19

HIGHSCHOOL MANIC EPISODE (?)

Those things that happened in highschool...They were almost grotesque.

First year was fine. I was still a talkative, yet shy and often embarassed girl. I had like three friends. Had panic attacks as usual, full blown school phobia and social phobia. I started to loose weight slowly, went on Isotretinoin curation for acne, though at that time I still had a lot of job to do. Nobody liked me much there, I again felt isolated.

AND THEN.

I was so stressed before the 2nd year. I didn't want anymore depression, those days and days that I've spent in bed, didn't want more panic or anxiety, didn't want to feel afraid of others. I already had a variety of OCD thoughts, lots of anger inside me that I've started to take out on my parents. My life was already a rollercoaster of sadness and agony. I hated my body back then. I had a mental breakdown, my mother didn't help me, accusing me of causing her pain, but my father took me to another psychiatrist. I had panic attacks so severe I had to leave the classroom. I told some people about my PD and emetophobia and stuff.

At the first session, the doc prescribed me Cital and Xanax. Cital was awful, I had even worse attacks that made me run out of class and sit on the bathroom floor until someone came for me.

Then she changed it to ZOLOFT, still with Xanax. I quickly got addicted to the second one.

What happened then, was a total CHAOS. For the next year and a half I was A Totally Different Person.

At first, I've lost some weight and drastically cut my hair. I was bold on 70% on my head. The rest was painted with some fancy colours. I started to dress awfully, like a guy, but the one with a bad taste.

I don't know how it happened, that this idea of lesbianism came to my head, maybe because of that girl.

I knew that girl and she was known as a lesbian. She was great at everything, so brave, so beautiful, impressed me with her gym skills, horse riding technique, while I wasn't good at anything that required motor skills and was made fun of because of my clumsiness. And because of my change in looks, I managed to get her on a date.

And I felt like I finally found my way of happiness, my purpose in life.

However, I've never even kissed anyone before. She was the first person that I kissed with. It was embarassing. But I became OBSESSED with sex, looks, with maintaing a picture of me as strong, aggressive. I wanted to be better at it. Being a lesbian started to define me. I became so hypersexual, started smoking, drinking along with meds.

I also became really verbally aggressive, like everyone was there out to get me. Little delusional and paranoid, I guess. When I read notes from that time I say a lot of things like "they want to DESTROY as at school" and treated my family as the biggest enemy.

I started to be so talkative and kept telling everyone things that shocked them, very private stuff about sexual issues and mental illness. Becoming good looking played a major role in that.

The girl I wrote about rejected me, so I turned into my female friend from high school class. She was really troubled: a rape survivor, had secret relationships with much, muuuch older men, her family was strange. And now remember that I am living in a small town: I had an open gay relationship with her at school. I didn't like her much, but I liked the idea of me being shocking.

I was already so drugged with Zoloft and Xanax (which i took for like three times a day) that I felt like I could do ANYTHING. If you told me back then to get naked in public, I could probably do it.

I quickly became one of the most popular girls at school. And the most hated. I became a part of a very famous group of people, we had parties, we went to the capital city and I met the whole gay world. I generally travelled a lot and met a lot of people.

I was also almost expelled from school (but they kept me in, because I had very good writing skills and was appreciated because of that), I kept fighting in discussions with my educator. I was also good at English, the best actually, and that is why my Eng teacher didn't told anyone when she saw me completely drunk on the street. My talents saved me back then.

I engaged in dangerous sexual stuff with people I barely knew (Though I never had a normal sex with a man, which might be hard to believe), at the houses of people I barely knew, I totally ruined my friends 18 bithday party because I started to make out with some random girl, I told everyone I was mentally ill, I also dunno how Xanax worked but it got me addicted to alcohol at that time and generally...I was a mess. Aggressive, complete mess. The only good thing was creativity.

Once a friend told me I became a monster after starting the meds (he knew about them).

And one day, I stopped. And it was the last time I took any psychiatric meds.

Age 20-21

I'm gonna write about how it is now in the next message.

[Icare dixit]

Nobody reads long posts here (kidding! : I tend to write very long posts, that's why). I won't read it now, though, but just to let you know you're not being ignored or something.

[wiretwister]

Welcome to pc .... I bet it felt good to let all that out ... I would keep a copy and if you ever find a good T let them read it ....

[violetgreen]

Welcome to this forum. My dad used to drill us kids in the Polish saying, loosely translated as, "Poland will live forever as long as her people remain free." Nice to know someone from the place of my ancestors.

[pirilin]

[boogiesmash]

Welcome to the support group

[Woolly Bugger]

Let us know if you publish a Reader's Digest version...

[dwr3]

Thank you for your replies I also forgot to mention that no doc ever gave me any diagnosis apart from panic disorder and GAD, but I've stopped going go psychiatrist few years ago. Health services are generally pretty bad here.

Okay, so I wanted to finish the story.

Age 20- 21

I did graduate high school. Barely, because of my poor Math skills. Because of this I had to take my finals (which are totally different here than in other countries) a year later than most of my peers. I passed my Advanced English, Polish, Philosophy and Biology very well, better than most people. I didn't pass Maths, however. And you NEED to score at least 30% to be able to go to uni. Without passing this subject all of my scores from other subjects will be erased in 2018 and I will have to take everything again. I already tried to pass it three times but I'm totally Math-blind. So, everyone apart form me, even the most lazy and stupid people, had passed their tests and went to uni two years ago. I felt really bad about it.

At the same time I was writing my finals, I started my first job. I worked for a year in a local shop, then they had to fire me due to financial cuts (It's hard to explain, we have that government system due to which people are hired for a certain amount of time and for that time the employer doesn't have to pay his worker, then he fires him and gets another worker for free...It's complicated).
I liked that job, even though I got easily frustrated with people (I managed to hold back my anger) and everything. Yet, I could sit anytime, go for a smoke or a coffee whenever I wanted, my boss was okay. I was sad and angry they had to fire me. It happened on January this year.

Another thing I was doing was to finally past my driving test. It was the most difficult thing of all. Here in PL we have one the most expensive and difficult driving exams. I've spent all of the money I've earned in 6 months. Lots of money. All of the people I've known already had they driving permits.
I had two courses, each lasted for about three months. At the first one they told me I appear to have ADD because my motor skills, multitasking skills, concentration and understanding were so bad. Indeed, I was always the clumsy one, bad at sports, I still cannot dance or swim. However, it upset me very much because I've heard all of my life that I need "a longer amount of time" to get anything. I was sick of that. So I've changed courses and this time I had that disgusting, perverted old driving instructor, yet he was the best one in town at teaching. Honestly, he was obsessed with me and I had to threat him with the police once, fortunately it kinda worked.
I passed at my 8th attempt, but only because I happened to have that easy-going examiner at that attempt.
I dreamed of driving a car like all the people I've known, I read so much about being a good driver, about the cars, almost became a self called expert, yet after getting a licence, I never managed to trust myself enough to drive on my own. I've stopped driving at all.

2015 was a good year because I kept my routine, did everything I planned, yet I ended up feeling sad, worthless and worse than anyone else.

And, yes, relationships...I've hurt some of my male friends because of my romantic delusions and obsessions about them, I did embarass myself a few times because of that, mostly in 2014, yet I cut myself off people because I was ashamed of some things I did. And when I obsessed about someone, and there was alcohol present, I was becoming clingy, loud, totally weird, laugh at them and offended them at some point, when my expectations weren't met...there was this boy, who would also get really hypersexual after drinking and I did some weird stuff with him (like getting naked together in a bath in a friends house at a party, with people watching because the door happened to be broken...)
Then I would get frustrated with him, talked about him behind his back...nah.

After 2014, I cut nearly everyone off, as I said. Stopped drinking, going to parties, because I couldn't get along with others, I happened to get everything wrong, misunderstand lot of stuff, it was generally overwhelming.

[dwr3]

We only met at this New Year's Eve and this trip went really bad, because we were attacked by a group of people, I was attacked by some guy and there was this girl who verbally hurt me very much.

And now I'm sitting at home, can't find a job and generally don't know where I'm going. My emotional states get weird and I don't understand anything. I get total derealization, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, very rapid thoughts and an extreme fear of psychosis/schizophrenia. I'm again afraid to leave the house and I'm totally isolated, because I don't feel i can cooperate with others.

Also my physical health gets bad.

[dwr3]

Originally Posted by Woolly Bugger

Let us know if you publish a Reader's Digest version...

I'm quite narcissistic, so I wouldn't mind

However, I'm really struggling between whether I am bipolar (i don't really have any "normal" stages, where everything would be different, just because my mood is changing) or have ADHD, as it has been suggested by some.