[piano97]

I was not well for several months at the end of the year and was on a leave from work. I ended up changing jobs after that. I started my new job 3/1, and have not missed a day so far. I'm doing well overall and it feels really good to be working daily again.

I don't know why but I had terrible work anxiety this morning (still do) and was worrying I won't be able to keep this up, am I really doing an ok job, and what happens if I am not or can't? Made me think of times when I wasn't well in the last year and felt so of that despair that went along with it.

Overall I've been relatively stable since I started back aside from one episode that lasted maybe 10 days total.

I cycle frequently when that happens and had a very mild hypomania for a 5 days or so, then it jumped up a few notches for a day or two, then peaked a day (euphoria!! I love it!! Until it ends) took PRNS several times for a couple days on advice from friends. Who also got me to realize the lamictal bottle had not been "changed out" and it was safe to take), then I was alot more 'normal' a couple of days, then had one day I was really slowed down mental and physically. Then I was back to normal after sleeping that whole day (was a Sunday thankfully).

So on one hand, I'm doing so well....I work daily, I shower, I eat, I socialize sometimes.

On the other hand I kind of feel like I'm held together by some loose threads that I hope don't break!

The cycling doesn't seem to stop. The good part is I can predict it now. It's about every 6-8 weeks and for about 10days I'm off balance.

First I get the slight 'buzz' feeling. Then I'm getting up two hours early and can't sit still, then within a couple days I feel like I'm made of gold, can do anything, meds are possibly actually poison, and I'm dancing around to the song, playing loudly, in my head on repeat, all day. Which is a blast till I get agitated, then I pace around and feel disoriented. Then within a couple days I have 1-3 days of being really slowed down mentally and physically and can sleep all day.

Thankfully friends reign me in and I have myself trained on PRNs. This time I even told a friend "in two days I'm probably not going to be taking meds and I need you to tell me I told you to make sure I am not stopping, and probably need PRN in addition. I still struggle then to trust them but I know this is not me, it's chemicals in my brain. I missed 2 doses overall but got back on track.

I struggle daily with "Do I have bipolar and do I need treatment" or can I just do it alone, exercise most days, eat well, have a sleep routine, etc. It sucks because I know I need meds, at least for now is what I tell myself, and doctor says that too. I ask everytime to go off and he says, 'let's wait X months and then can see how you're doing" It's been 16 months now...

I take lamictal and risperdal, though I've been trying to get off the latter. Maybe that was a bad idea, but doctor did say I could do that but wanted to start abilify, and I haven't done that yet. I've stopped it twice now and then went back on at a smaller dose for a few days bc I felt like I was going to explode. I took it last night after not for 2 days.

So I've gotten way off track but does anyone know that feeling of being able to hold down work again but having that fear you won't be able to, and that kind of "I have everybody fooled" and eventually they'll find out I'm barely held together.

Thanks for reading, hope you have a good day.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm going back to work tomorrow after a two month leave and I'm definitely worried that I won't be able to handle it. I'm pretty stable right now but that job always seems to throw me off. It's a very stressful job. So I'm with you! I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep it together. But thankfully the school year ends in only two and a half months so I think I can make it till then.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

[piano97]

Thanks
Realizing that is always kind of a relief. Even if I need reminders most days!

I understand the high stress thing. Until recently I worked in a hospital. Somehow I did that five years until I cracked in late 2014.

Good luck tomorrow. It will be ok. You have been stable lately like you said. You can do this

[Ocean Swimmer]

Talk to your prescribing Dr regarding the difference between prn and Meds that need to be in your system for a few weeks to be effective. Best of luck.

[piano97]

Thanks Ocean. Am seeing MD Thursday.

[Wander]

I totally understand that drowning feeling going back to work after time off due to mental illness. It was only 6 days ago that I got out of hospital and 8 days ago that I first went back to work. My doctor wanted me to go back to work from hospital in case I had major issues. Thankfully, with the help of PRN's, I got through ok. Still last Sunday I felt mixed and really struggled at work. I thought I was going crazy and was paranoid others knew and that I would lose my job. Since then I have bounced back to stable and am managing ok. It seems to take time to settle back into work after time off unwell. Hopefully you will be feeling stronger soon. Keep taking your PRN's when you need to. Good luck with your appointment Thursday. Hope you're feeling more stable soon.

[pirilin]

Good luck!!!.