Sunk

Now I know why I reached out to this forum when I did. I was starting to fall after being stable for so long, and now I’ve sunk. It feels like every organ in my body has fallen down lower than they should be, and something’s weighing down my heart, its fallen out entirely, or almost. My closest friend says I haven’t been myself for about a month now which is after a couple of weeks of agitation.

I’m stupid and slow, but I can’t sleep to save my life. I don’t want to take medications, I don’t want to do anything, I’m deathly afraid of not being able to work tomorrow. I did take everything though only tonight halved the Seroquel, I think it’s the root of all evil, I’m deadset on it. Worrying about work I’m starting to get agitated. I’m so angry with myself because I feel like I must have done something for this to happen and yet I’m too care-less to care.
Glad I found this forum, sorry to start like this. As I said in my first post, I do miss the ecstasy of hypomania, it makes me so so so sad, I hope this will lead to it eventually, I don’t care about the turn for worse at its end because maybe it won’t happen, I’ll roll the dice. If this is more than a reallyreally bad-blip, then I’ll call my pdoc on Friday, at least to just tell her or so I promised my friend I’d do, but I don’t want more meds, or ones with ugly side effects, which is most of course.

I'm sorry things are difficult for you now. Damn this sucks that you feel this way

I'm curious as to your current mood state as you've thrown in words like "anxious" and "angry".

Work can definitely sometimes be a stressor.

Good call to call your pdoc on Friday - if anything at least to discuss how you're feeling right now.

Yeah I know ... some side effects of meds totally suck, but you never know, your pdoc may be able to give you one that's less noticeable.

Let us know how you go.

Thanks for your support -yeah, I'm anxious about acting normal at work, which I've resolved bc I called in sick though it makes me sick that I did that, I hate missing work esp bc I already only work part-time, and feeling angry at myself for feeling so way down though can't explain it.

I'd be willing to increase Lamictal if she thinks it would be useful - no side effects ever for me.

Oh I hate that feeling of having to call out sick. Sure it's a mental illness that is preventing me from working which is similar to a physical illness, but I still feel that guilt. I hope you find some relief with an adjustment in your Lamictal if you feel that is best. I've had to adjust that dosage a few times. Take care.

Yes!! I do feel so guilty and I hate that, I want to be dependable and end up feeling I should have bitten the bullet. But I don't know if I could have madeit through. I work in healthcare and I can't stand the idea of not helping my patients well when there if I'm sick, I don't think I could focus enough, smile enough, be there enough, in short do my job well enough. Also... I just want to crawl into bed, though I can't sleep.

You'll get through this. Not that my saying so helps at all.
As a side note I appreciate how eloquently you write. I can feel your feelings so viscerally. Maybe I'm on your wavelength right now anyway, but thank you for articulating the feel bads so well

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