[wildflowerchild25]

It's been almost a year since I found my husband dead on the kitchen floor. May 28th is one year. I've been handling it surprisingly well. I had a bad day on Tuesday but dammit I'm allowed a bad day here and there.

I've drunk a bottle of wine tonight so forgive me.

I was just thinking today how hard it is to be a single mom. How I never planned for.any of this. My son has been sick for three days with a stomach virus. There is no one to take the late night wake up calls, no one but me to comfort him when he is ill. No one but me. I love him. He is my world. But it is so hard. I wish he had his father. I still haven't taught him simple things like putting the seat up when he has to go to the bathroom. I keep waiting for someone else to do it but there's only me. Only me.

I just keep thinking about what could have been. Where would I be now if I had just confronted my husband about his drug use? But I didn't know. I knew he was acting differently but how was I to suspect drugs? I never knew. I could t have known. He lied to me, as addicts do. I just wish he could have talked to me.

But in the grand scheme of things, I am ok. I'm doing great, actually. I had a slip up in January. But I didn't get hospitalized. I managed to keep safe all on my own. That's a huge accomplishment. In fact, on June 13 it will be one year since I've been hospitalized. That's amazing. I've been hospitalized at least twice a year since 2013. The fact that I managed to stay out through my crisis in January speaks volumes. Maybe I'm growing up :-)

I'm so happy. I miss my husband more than anything in the world but still, I am happy. I didn't think it would be possible but HERE I AM. here I am. Alive. And functioning. And excelling.

I wish my husband could see me now. He'd be so proud.

[Victoria'smom]

You are doing excellently.

[MusicLover82]

I am almost tearing up, and we have never met!!! I'm so proud of you and how strong you are. You are such an inspiration. ((HUGS)) Make sure you have people you can talk to about your feelings and comfort you when you need it. Keep up the good work and treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

[Nammu]

A year ago I was seriously worried for you, so much pain. You've really accomplished amazing gains in this short year. I love how you can speak of him both realistically and in loving memory.

[~Christina]

You have had strength that your never thought you really had. I can only imagine what its like to lose a spouse.

Your son is seeing a strong mom that is making her way despite losing. Sure he can't see this for what is it right now. But he will .... He will down the road and he will be forever grateful for your ability to more forward with your life and loving him so much.

Much love

I have no words to express the sadness I feel for you. Hang on to your strength, hold onto your beautiful son. (((Hugs)))

[Prism Bunny]

I just want to say - You are one strong woman. I am sorry for your loss, though you seem grounded in reality about it all, both the past and present. I bet your son is proud of you, and your husband would be too. May your significant other continue to rest in peace.

Do you have plans tomorrow to spend with your child?

[Standup2me]

If I were there, we'd sit down with pie and coffee and we'd talk about how strong you are
and how proud of yourself you should be.
We would talk, laugh and cry
You are amazing.

[BipolaRNurse]

You are a strong, amazing woman who is far braver than she really knows. I'm so proud of you for making it through this horrendous year. I wish I could be there in person to give you hugs and tell you just how amazing you are. Thanks for hanging in there...you are an inspiration to me as I navigate my way through my impending widowhood.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

I just want to say - You are one strong woman. I am sorry for your loss, though you seem grounded in reality about it all, both the past and present. I bet your son is proud of you, and your husband would be too. May your significant other continue to rest in peace.

Do you have plans tomorrow to spend with your child?

Yes, today we are going to the cemetery with my family. It's going to be really hard as I haven't been there since his burial. I hate visiting cemeteries. In the 19 years since my dads been gone I think I've visited his grave maybe five times. It just doesn't comfort me. But my in laws are up from another state and wanted to visit so I said I'd go. It was tough explaining to my son where we were going. I wanted to make it clear that we aren't going to actually see daddy - that he's not actually there and he is still in heaven. He sort of gets it.

But afterward we are going out to lunch. It will be nice to spend some time with my in laws as they moved far away last year and I don't get to see them very often.

And later in the evening I am getting a new tattoo. It's a very important tattoo for me as it's a cover up of years of self harm scars. It's also a bit of a memorial for my husband. A hummingbird, which reminds me of him.

So I have plans today, and my brother and his fiancé will be with me all day.

I thank all of you for your kind words. You have all been like family to me as I've navigated the roller coaster of bipolar, and as I've navigated this tragedy in my life. I thank you all so much for your support.

[Prism Bunny]

Yeah, explaining the concept of death to littles one is difficult. I cannot imagine trying to describe it to one's own child, though. So again, you are one tough and brave lady. I do think spending time with his grandparents would be a positive experience for you both.

And if possible, I would love to see your tattoo once it's finished.

[Wander]

No words can express how amazing you are. I am really proud of you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thinking of you today and hoping that your day has been one of gentle memories and good family time.

[Blaire]

You are so very strong. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Unrigged64072835]

I lost my second husband a long time ago to suicide. Time does ease the pain, though it still hurts sometimes.

You've done a lot of growing this year in spite of the loss. That is commendable.

I do hope you have some good memories this day and always.

[Nammu]

I love that you've told your son that the cemetery isn't actually where his father is, but just a place for the living to remember him. That's so great. Thinking of you today.

[wildflowerchild25]

I made it through the cemetery visit well, and so did my son. It was nice to be there with my family to share memories and stories of my husband.

My tattoo is only halfway finished but it is beautiful. I don't know how to post pictures because I use my phone for this but rest assured when it is finished it will be gorgeous.

Thanks for all the support today!

[Wander]

You are an amazingly strong woman. I am proud of you. Your strength is inspiring. Keep looking after yourself.