[smallwonderer]

There have been a lot of threads recently about friends. I certainly haven't had many over the years. Recently I asked a friend for a favor, and they flaked on me. I gave advanced notice and let them know how important it was to me. If I had waited a really long time (I only waited around 4 weeks), they maybe would've done it. In the old days I would write this friend off but I just reluctantly did the thing without my friend's help. I feel bad still - like maybe I didn't wait long enough, maybe I sounded passive aggressive when I let my friend know I was planning to go ahead without their help. I know I did better than I would've in the past but maybe not well enough. I am sure this is a BP thing. So what's the best way to manage expectations and maintain relationships?

[Miss Laura]

I have friends but it's always me who is chasing them for going out or meeting up. No one texts just to see how I'm doing. This bugs me and makes me feel disappointed in them. They always all cancels on me too like tonight I was due to go out but it's been cancelled this friend has cancelled every week for the last 3 months. Grrr! I give up.

I wish I had an answer for you!

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[Rjaye]

I am starting to understand what I am doing that causes people to blow me off: I don't share with them, not really. I also am a terrible communicator. I don't let people know that I need them, and I'm terrible at following up with them.

There are people who blow me off, and I blow them off. Nothing really personal. The connection wasn't there. I try not to take those situations too personally. I am in the making friends stage. I am trying to expand my network, and have a variety of human contacts-hopefully some close ones, and then more casual ones.

Sometimes I connect more with someone but they don't connect with me. That hurts. Also, friendships change over time. Sometimes a long term friendship ends. That hurts, too. I am trying to accept that relationships change and hopefully new ones take their place.

Still sucks as my friendship making skills are iffy. I try not to be disappointed. But it's hard when one is starting from a very lonely position.

[MusicLover82]

I don't think it's necessarily a bipolar thing. People just suck at being friends a LOT of the time. You're lucky if you can say you have more than one person other than family that you can count on, in my experience.

I know that I can be a rather needy friend from time to time (I often need someone to talk to when I'm feeling anxious), so I acknowledge that I may have chased some people away. But I am a true blue friend, very loyal, and I am there for others when they need me, too. When you find the people that you really click with that can also be reliable, hang onto them with all your might!

If it makes you feel better, it was probably nothing personal. When people are flaky, that's just who they are: a flake. I try to remind myself not to take anything personally, too. Check out the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He teaches about not taking anything personally and it really helps in relationships. He has another follow-up book, The Mastery of Love. I recommend both of them. In fact, I need to re-read them myself because they are so full of wisdom.

[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by MusicLover82

I don't think it's necessarily a bipolar thing. People just suck at being friends a LOT of the time. You're lucky if you can say you have more than one person other than family that you can count on, in my experience.

I know that I can be a rather needy friend from time to time (I often need someone to talk to when I'm feeling anxious), so I acknowledge that I may have chased some people away. But I am a true blue friend, very loyal, and I am there for others when they need me, too. When you find the people that you really click with that can also be reliable, hang onto them with all your might!

If it makes you feel better, it was probably nothing personal. When people are flaky, that's just who they are: a flake. I try to remind myself not to take anything personally, too. Check out the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He teaches about not taking anything personally and it really helps in relationships. He has another follow-up book, The Mastery of Love. I recommend both of them. In fact, I need to re-read them myself because they are so full of wisdom.

Yea I imagine it wasn't personal, this person just gets what I view as selfish sometimes. I don't think I overreacted this time (though I have been difficult in the past with this person when they let me down).... more kind of sad that I thought our friendship was stronger. Felt like I fooled myself a little. I haven't read that book. I will give it a try...sounds useful.

[cincidak]

I used to be the flaky friend because of my agoraphobia. I didn't understand at the time but I'd call and cancel and then feel tremendous relief that I didn't have to leave the house.

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[LadyShadow]

I just recently dealt with this. Mostly these were online friendships. People just don't like commitment to anything unfortunately. This used to hurt me a great deal. Then I thought to myself, I have one best friend that I can count on, that's all I really need.

[Gabyunbound]

I don't think disappointment in friends flaking out is a bipolar thing, I think it's just human nature. Ditto with some other issues-with-friends threads I've seen here.

Maybe you could share with him that you're disappointed in him, there's nothing passive aggressive there (not that you have been), just direct, you never know maybe he'll react positively and appreciate the honesty. Hang in there!

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

I have friends but it's always me who is chasing them for going out or meeting up. No one texts just to see how I'm doing. This bugs me and makes me feel disappointed in them. They always all cancels on me too like tonight I was due to go out but it's been cancelled this friend has cancelled every week for the last 3 months. Grrr! I give up.

I wish I had an answer for you!

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I relate to this completely. My new significant other did this to me twice in one weekend. I know he has some obiligations, and he said hopefully next week (he has a child he watches). I don't wan to be selfish or anything, and I accepted what he had to say gracefully. However, on the inside, I get angry and very hurt when my expectations aren't met.

Usually, I try to back off, but the temptation is usually strong to text that person a few days later (if I haven't heard from them), just so they know I'm not mad at them and that I want to keep the relationship. However, when people back out of plans multiple times, I usually let them be the one to initiate the plans. Nothing wrong with a friendly "hello" in between, but if their lives are that busy, it's up to them to make time for you. If they don't, it's time to re-evaluate the friendship or relationship....not necessarily cutting it off (although that might be the solution in some instances), but a sign not to rely on them as much and find other things you can do.

I do think Bipolar plays a role in those of us to have the tendency to come up with great plans and be a little idealistic when hypomanic (or manic), so trying to stay grounded in reality is important. Sometimes that means med changes, but lifestyle changes, therapy, and just learning ways to cope can make a big difference. I wish I was half way there yet, but I'm a work in progress!