[SpasticBliss]

When I'm manic I can run my mouth and I'm bound to say about anything, get on bizarre topics, often rope people into inappropriate conversations. I've always said that I have mental tourette's syndrom (I'm not joking or making fun of those who do have tourette's). My anxiety sometimes causes me to just blurt out really random things. Sometimes they can be taken the wrong way.

Anyway, now I've scared myself because I showed this guy a really bizarre sexual music video and he showed me a video of a guy getting his head chopped off. It looked real, I don't know, it scared me so bad I frantically tried to turn it off without looking at it.

I think being bipolar, one of my primary manic tendencies is hyper-sexuality. I've also just always found sex fascinating and I've always been so curious why sex is so offensive. My therapist said I shocked him with a video and he shocked me. I mean, the video truly could have been offensive to him. I don't know why I even showed it to him, I don't know him that well.

So, my go-to paranoia is, someone's going to try to kill me. I am so darn mad at myself right now. I had not scared myself in a very long time. I used to do this all the time, say or do the wrong thing, get a weird reaction, then convince myself that person is going to come find me and kill me.

But, I'm sorry, an offensive (ok, x-rated) professionally made rap video cannot be as offensive to anyone alive as a video of someone really having their head cut off. I'm just so deeply disturbed by what I saw, just a few glimpses, struggling with my phone. And then the fear this guy might want to do that to me! Again, my therapist and others have said he was just making a point. He could be really religious for all I know.

Now going in tomorrow is going to be total insanity anyway, there's a big project at work I've been on, worked 12 hours the other day, even yesterday a few hours. I'm so tired, but so happy with the work. One last thing to go in and figure out early tomorrow. But i'm one of the first at work and he's also one of the first at work, so there are times in the morning we are alone together, that's when this happened.

Like I said, I'm very angry with myself. I have not put myself in this position in a very long time!

I have a very similar kind of paranoia.....and I always blame myself for causing it. For instance, my sons friends were telling me about Dark-Net. It's some "other side" of the Internet. They told me about various crimes committed in this side of the Internet and about the snuff videos on it. I became certain that what they were doing was telling me how they planned to kill me and make a snuff film out of it. It was horribly distressing. I blamed myself and thought I must have acted wierd or done something in my past they found out about and wanted to kill me for it.

My paranoia is not my fault.....and neither is yours. Don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for things out of your control. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. It is absolutely horrible to feel someone is out to kill you. It sounds like you are not delusional about it as you can see that it's paranoia....but I also know that doesn't change how your body reacts to such a perceived threat.

I've never seen a snuff film and can only imagine how sick with paranoia I would become if someone showed me one. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you feel better/less paranoid soon. Does anything help you when you are feeling paranoid?

(((Hugs)))