My husband again part 2 (on his special day)

So...I just need to ***** about my husband again.

Today, when I mentioned I needed to call on the warranty on my couch which is falling apart, my husband said that a "beached whale" had broken it. I can't remember if the kids were around or not but I clearly was offended.

Then, (also today) he said in front of my kids that I don't see messes around me such as if my kids write on the walls. He said I will leave it there for days. To which my 8 year old daughter said is because I am busy watching my computer. This sort of sarcasm at another's expense is directly from my husband's mouth and instead of correcting her, my husband just laughed. I told my daughter that what she said was hurtful, very disrespectful, and that she was NOT going to speak to or about me like that again. But, I know she will. And it will be hurtful then as it is now.

I have told my husband to pack it up and leave but he says that as long as he is paying for the house, he will live here.

And worse of all perhaps, is that I pursue him to stay. I only recognize his arrogance in hindsight. He has given me reason to believe that we may be able to work it out. But, that is probably just an excuse so I will sleep with him. Even my mom who has always been pro reconciliation has been telling me that I need to regain control of my life and that he can kiss my ***. When did I become so powerless? When did I become so docile and passive? When did I lose my will to fight? When did his love for me turn into a joke at my expense? I am not going to take out a restraining order as I don't feel it is necessary and I don't want to deprive my children of their father but I also need him to get the hell out and leave already. If we do work it out, it will be on my terms, not just his. He has to treat me MUCH better and we will have to spend time together in counseling. I honestly don't see it happening at this point. As much as he believes he can lay full blame of the dissolution of this marriage on me, is as much as I can blame his hatred and cruelty of me on the dissolution of this marriage.

You are in such a tough situation and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you friend!

I'm sorry hear about what's happening to you. You've been down for so long so it's good to see that you're fighting back. I do hope you can keep fighting. It's hell, I know.

He is a creep. And I have been there - I know - you are using sex as a tool to get him to stay. You call it working on things, and perhaps you call it duty. Your rationalizing because you can't consider the truth that you want all the pain to go away, and everything to be back to normal and if he wants sex, you will go to any level to have things feel safe again. Not the level of cleaning house daily, taking meds responsibly, handling your emotions in a way he likes - but quick things, short term things - like sex. But things can't stay like they were, he hated it enough to want to leave in the first place. Even if on some slim chance he stayed, it wouldn't be things can go back to how they were. Your life as you knew it is O.V.E.R. Even if he stays, you have to rewrite how you two interact with each other. You both have a lot of work to do, and he doesn't even want marriage counseling. He doesn't even want to talk to your therapist. He is sick of having to be responsible for your emotions, he just wants a handy. Harsh? I am repeating what you told us he has clearly said to you.

If you are just giving into sex for him and you feel disgusting during or after and your making yourself pretend - it isn't good for your heart and mind and self respect. If it is good for you, for your mind and you don't care about it, then go ahead. But I don't think you would bring it up in this way if it was good for you. If he is staying because he loves you, he wouldn't need to have sex for you to prove it. If he loved you, he would be overwhelmed by the depth of sadness you are in and want to ease your spirit. He is wanting it for his physical drive.

Children learn disrespect as much by who is verbally abusing, as by who is being abused. How you take things from him teaches her.

And just my opinion, she probably didn't mean to hurt you, maybe she thought that. How you talked to her might in her mind have been," Don't tell Mommy what you really think". Did you condemn her for speaking what she thinks is the truth, because it embarrassed you in front of your husband?

I know your very messed up right now, and it is hard for you - but you are choosing not to act. you think you can outstay him there. You can't. Because he doesn't care emotionally what is happening within the house and you do. You are being affected. And he is just memorizing everything that happens that he can use against you. Get out, or possibly lose the kids to a meltdown he causes

Anrea, well spoken. Personally, I do believe the OP needs a serious reality check. Sorry, but that is what I think. I remember you stating in a previous post awhile ago that you were going off your meds. How did this help your situation? I think you need to be back on your meds, otherwise IMO you will not be able to hold down a job.

Big responsibilities are at your doorstep. Your parent have shouldered the responsibility for you of keeping a roof over your head. They probably will babysit for you too. You are very very fortunate. This divorce of yours will cost them plenty of money, more than you will make many years to come. You need to prepare for these remaining responsibilities, ones that you are obviously not prepared to deal with. Take this one step at a time. Take your meds and get stabilized. This is the biggest responsibility that you have. You need to take better care of yourself. If you are already taking your meds and stable, then I am happy for you. Have your coping skills in place. Next determine how you will take care of your kids now that you are a working mother. Then focus on the job.

I do hope things will work out for you. You have no choice but to make this work for you and your kids. I wish you well.

I didn't know if you are talking to me or Cashart about the meds. I did say recently that I went off my meds. It helped because I experienced less anxiety off meds, and stopped napping daily. I am not looking for a job. I am back on meds these last few days because I told the nurse practitioner who maintains my prescription that I had/would. I sleep more now, and am grouchier on meds.

If you were talking to Cash - sorry I misunderstood.

Once again I am drawn to something I have read as I very much identify.

With all my other issues, I married my High School Sweet heart. I love him to this day but I cannot forgive the disrespect and hatred that developed over the many years we spent together, I could write an essay but I don't want to bore you to death. My point is I recognise the thin edge of the wedge. Whilst working a full time and responsible job, raising our children all by myself (because he was a shift working emergency services worker) and running a farm, I did absolutely nothing for myself. I sent both my pregnancies with my head down the toilet and got called a malingerer whose puking issues were (clearly) all in my head. This same man oohed and aahed over poor Princess Kate's morning sickness saying "poor little girl". As you can imagine, my response was not complimentary as his response to my Hyperemesis Gravidarum was to throw bread at me and scream that I had a mental problem - but alas, in my day there was no name for it so like in Victorian England it was just a case of female hysteria. I went from 55 kilos to 49 by my 3rd trimester so I guess I have great will power seeing as I have never had an eating disorder. For a woman who is 5ft 9inches tall 49 kgs is not good particularly when you are 8 months pregnant for the second time. At 30 I had a horrid accident that resulted in internal injuries (which required abdominal surgery, the stitches for which make me look like a stitched pig skin football to this day and which wrecked my appearance big time) and broken ribs and he left on a jet plane to go to a 14 day work conference and left me alone with a 4 and 6 year old. On his return, I had to sleep on the couch because he kept rolling over violently and smacking me in the ribs during the night and he "needed his sleep because he worked so hard".

There were many other things that happened which were not great but by the time I was about 33 I was no longer the size 8 that I had been even post babies. My new name became "Waddler". Every single time we had a disagreement I got called names but the one that really sticks (even above the 'c' word) is the name "Waddler". I lived with this for 10 years until I walked out. He taught and encouraged my children to call me these names and to continually refuse to do as I asked with the response that I should be doing 'whatever I had asked' because I was just a big fat Waddler and a mental case. For the last 3 years I lived in that house, I live in my bedroom. I literally lived in my bedroom when I was not working, farming, cooking, cleaning. Every time I even attempted to stay in say the lounge room he would pick a fight which resulted in me being called names - my ultimate reaction: to go to my bedroom to howls of laughter from all of them and the shouting of "Waddler, Waddler Waddler, Waddle back to your room".

I know that this part of my life is not equivalent to being beaten or raped but it wore me into a nub of a person with no sense of self, character, humour or personality - it was an existence - and to hear the hatred and abuse being parroted out of your childrens' mouths (even though you know they have NO clue what they are doing) is just so difficult to comprehend and frankly it broke my already broken heart over and over and over.

I walked out - I found an alternative place to live and I sorted it all out and told him the day before I moved out. I braced myself for the fallout but he was in such shock that he did not know how to respond. I moved and set myself up and even though I have many many issues that I deal with every day, I do so without the impediment of verbal and mental abuse on a daily basis in my home, my safe place.

During all this time, I have maintained a full time and responsible job and over the last couple of years have reconnected with my now adult children.

I love my husband but he was one person who had some idea about my history and he did this. I love him and dislike him immensely at the same time and one thing is for sure - I will never return to that abuse ever ever again. Because that is what it is - ABUSE. Please value yourself and your kids despite what B.S. they may have picked up. Please find some way to gather yourself and walk out. Please do not wait until your kids are adult like I did. Do it now and take them with you OR if they are not in danger, leave them with him. He clearly believes he is the far better parent anyway but they'll learn and like a great friend of mine assured me, they will work it out themselves and come back to eventually.

Please do not waste your life battling this as it wont work - don't wait til you're 45 - do it now and save yourself a whole lot of stress and suffering.

Looks like it turned into the essay I did not want to write but I completely feel for you - your story is so so familiar that I could not help but share that you are not alone and you can change it but it takes time and effort and struggle but it is worth every bead of sweat and every single dollar you have to save to make the move.

My sincerest thoughts will be with yo and your children and I hope that I have helped in some small way to assist you to realise that there is a light at the end of tunnel and it does not align with the man you are living with.

Sula,

A thousand hugs. You are an inspiration. Best wishes for every day. May flowers turn their heads to you, the sun shine, the sky clouds form happy images, the mist bring wonder and the rain soothe your ears as you rest. May happiness find you often.

I have to admit I feel hurt by this response. You say that I want things better but not the level of cleaning house daily, taking meds responsibly, handling your emotions in a way he likes - but quick things, short term things - like sex. This is absolutely untrue; my house has been tremendously cleaner since my marriage has been in crisis. I have taken my meds consistently, seen my pdoc consistently, gone to therapy and my support group weekly. I have a handle of my emotions externally mostly despite feeling like hell inside. I have put a tremendous amount of effort in rekindling my marriage and have had some reception from my husband. It's like he seems so much better one minute and cold as ice the next. But, I will not do whatever it takes. I do have self respect. I do also very much love this man I have been with for 12 years who has fathered my three children. He is awarded chances to make things right if he is willing to try.

You say my daughter probably didn't mean to hurt me, maybe she thought that. How you talked to her might in her mind have been," Don't tell Mommy what you really think". Did you condemn her for speaking what she thinks is the truth, because it embarrassed you in front of your husband? No, she was VERY sarcastic and I was setting a necessary boundary. I was not embarrassed by her comment, but hurt rather and she needs to know that saying unkind things at another's expense is never okay.

What kind of reality check? I do not take my parents help for granted. I realize how blessed I am but the severity of my symptoms causing my disability is beyond my control. I have never gone off of my meds entirely; there are times I have been careless about them and have been forthright about it but that is not at all recently. I am taking massive steps toward wellness recently but despite this I still find myself back in the throws of desperation. There is no way I could do it entirely on my own. As far as I know this is my reality.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for the pain your family, husband especially, caused you. I am trying to find balance in the midst of total chaos and I am praying for clarity so that this is not my fate.

I am trying to set boundaries but they seem constantly crossed. I am not sure when is too long, what is too intolerable. I do find comfort in your story and in your wisdom.

The more I read your posts the more familiar your story is. The fact you have been together for a long time, the fact you still love him, the fact that you have been managing on the outside with keeping things together whilst dying inside, the fact that you have been trying to mend your marriage. All so so familiar.

I think that if he loves you deep down then he would agree that the situation needs fixing for all of your sakes. Maybe you should sit him down away from the kids and talk to him and tell him that you all need help and agree to couples and family counselling. If he loves you and your children and you likewise, what is the harm in trying to resolve this now and go on to lead a better life together?

In my case I tried this and was told straight out that counselling for anyone other than me was a complete irrelevance as it was me that had the mental problem. So I can no look at myself in the mirror and say "Well I did not just run away, I tried".

Recently I spoke with my soon to be ex about how he used to speak to me (we still talk and it has taken 3 years of separation to make the decision to make it permanent) and his reply was "I thought it was a way to motivate you." I actually had to explain to him that abusing someone mentally and degrading them with filthy and horrid names has the opposite effect and that I kept everything together as well as I did despite his abuse. I know this seems unbelievable but he just doesn't get that his behaviour was wrong or abusive or that the best way to 'motivate' someone is to love and support and praise and care. I walked away from that conversation shaking my head but the truth is that some people really do not get it - that their behaviour is abusive and wrong on every level.

My point is that this might be your husband too and if it is then nothing you do alone will fix it. Either he will come to accept his role in the issues and attempt to correct it alongside you OR he will just not and never get it. That's the point at which you will have to make a decision: do you resign yourself to the rest of your life to what you have now or do you find some peace.

Only you can make that decision, not him, not your children and not your parents.

My heart absolutely goes out to you and my best and kindest thoughts are with you.

I was talking to Cashart. No problem with the misunderstanding.

You and others like Cashart are part of a very worthwhile little community here. Sometimes I feel that I need to be forward with those who appear to me to be tenuously connected to the reality around them. But then from time to time this can happen to all of us.

Tucson