Homicidle ideation

I'm a 37 year old male. I ve had death fantasies since early teens
Not my death or homicidle fantasies but just death scenes.
I went through physical, mental and sexual abuse as a child
I am seeking treatment as of now but I'm looking for other people that have the types of thoughts I do or similar ones anyway. 4 months ago I went extremely manic and it lead to leaving the house from my girlfriend and children because I get extremely aggressive and verbally cruel. I started isolating and the mania and violent thoughts have went out of control. The death scenes have moved towards homicidle fantasies. Being a abused child from a close relative it's always directed towards predators now. Part of my problem is I'm starting to get a feeling of peace thinking about hurting the type of monsters that steal the innocence from children and create life long scars. I'm being completely vague in my details on here, the things I think of are disturbing and have had me kicked out of other forums. I do fear a monster has created a monster and it tries to break loose during my manic times. I ve never been manic this long nor have I walked such a thin line between fantasy and reality. I just wondering who else out there fears their own actions when getting obsessed in thought

At one point or two, I have.

Maybe more, who's counting? Point was I was able to stop myself just in time and nobody got hurt.


Have you tried addressing these thoughts and their roots in therapy?


I honestly believe if you can process the trauma it will relieve you of this manic drive. Who knows, you may even get a happy mania or two.


If you're not going to do that, well then a safety plan really needs to be put into action so that you don't carry out your vengeance. But that means trusting somebody, maybe more than one somebody to assist you before you hit that point.


Please feel free to use the trigger icon when posting sensitive topics or details, and if you're still unsure of the content, PM a mod and they'll assist you


Welcome, I hope you find what you are looking for here

Your background and situation sounds very similar to mine. You are not alone with those thoughts. I can say they were worse in the past before years of therapy to address the issues that seemed to cause them. They still come up occasionally though. A good safety plan is always a good thing.

My last manic episode had none of these thoughts at all. It is possible to work through the issues even though that in itself can be a tough road.

Homicide has a victim. Not a good fantasy. I'm a fan of victimless crimes.
Like bank robbery. My life revolves around money. Money produces life, not death.
In my youngest years, I was as close as a phone call. Now, I can't do the time.
I want to die free and surrounded by all the women I've loved. The list is long.
Some of them don't even know.
All dressed in black with the formal black hats with veils.
No males allowed. Not even my two son. Nobody is going to spoil my last respects.

I agree therapy is a good idea. It sounds like you are haunted by some very painful things. It makes sense that you would feel vengeful. Of course two wrongs don't make a right. Maybe medication could help too.

Sometimes when I'm depressed I have very vivid intrusive thoughts of severe self harm. They are horrible and make me curl up into a ball to protect myself. Luckily these usually only last a week or so, most of the time I don't think those things. I think for me it's just a chemical glitch.

I hope you can get some help from a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very uncomfortable.

---if you don't make sure you have an exceptionally highly qualified psych team that you work well with you aren't doing right by yourself.