[Alone & confused]

One of the hardest things for me to admit/talk about with anyone is the feelings of rage I get into when I'm manic ( not the hypo "feel good" mania) I'm always afraid that someone might think I would actually act out on the thoughts that go through my mind. Well, not so much thoughts I guess, more like FEELINGS of somehow ending this anger, and the confusion of not knowing how. It can feel like a stick of dynamite just blew up inside me, laying to waste everything that was good inside. And I can't talk about it! I can't tell anyone how that feels and that I go though this at times. Because I don't want to be thought of as dangerous. The only one I hurt is myself. I get through it by convincing myself that I AM STRONGER THAN MY ILLNESS! I tell myself that over and over again as I fight to keep it contained and struggle to keep it from affecting anyone else but me. And it's a painful experience! Immeasurable suffering. A personal Hell that no one else knows about.

[pirilin]

I only tell anything to those how pay my rent. The rest can kiss my rearend.

[JustJace2u]

I've told one of my best friends and a coworker or 2 thus far. I've tried telling my mom, but she seems to think it's more of a hormonal issue. She thinks I'm going through the early stages of menopause. People in that state don't usually get outraged for the stupidest reasons.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by JustJace2u

I've told one of my best friends and a coworker or 2 thus far. I've tried telling my mom, but she seems to think it's more of a hormonal issue. She thinks I'm going through the early stages of menopause. People in that state don't usually get outraged for the stupidest reasons.

My mom suggested that too.

[JustJace2u]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

My mom suggested that too.

I still think I'm a little young and my PCP agrees. My PCP was the one who recommended I see someone for all my anxiety, depression, attention span...etc. issues. Things had been getting worse as time went on.

[Gabyunbound]

I've only told a couple of people, I mostly keep it to myself. Part of the problem is that I can't be bothered to explain it to anyone and I'm afraid they still wouldn't get it.

However, I wish people would understand that, most of us, don't bounce from bipolar cycle to bipolar cycle in a matter of a day, for example. I wish people understood that we all have a baseline, during which we're just 'ourselves' which includes moods that run the entire gamut. I want people to know that there's a "me" in there that comes up for air quite often, and want to get to know me when I'm like that (or when I'm super fun -for a while- when hypomanic ).

I'm afraid to hear crickets if I were to try to explain these things to those who do not have BP, or further misunderstandings. I'm also somewhat ashamed of the diagnosis and the sometimes bizarre behavior when hypo/manic

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by JustJace2u

I still think I'm a little young and my PCP agrees. My PCP was the one who recommended I see someone for all my anxiety, depression, attention span...etc. issues. Things had been getting worse as time went on.

I think I'm getting worse too.

[JustJace2u]

I have noticed a change in myself since being on meds, although I'm definitely not where I need or want to be. I still get angry at the littlest things and sadness comes out of nowhere. I effin' hate this crap. I don't like most roller coasters in real life, why would I like this roller coaster? *rant over*

[cashart10]

Since I once, during psychosis, heard and obeyed the voice of God, I know people will be frightened that I may hurt my/ their children. That said, I never would. All of my thoughts and actions have been self focused and my family can recognize my prodronal symptoms. My sister who is fully aware of my train of thoughts and actions, still trusts me fully with her own children.

[cincidak]

I'm not afraid per say, it's just that no one outside of my immediate family needs to know. And they only need to know in case I need help and can't help myself. Most people have a hard time understanding our diagnosis, because they haven't lived anything similar.

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I downplay the intensity of my mood episodes. I'm not embarrassed, I just don't want to burden people with that info...there is nothing they can do.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I've only told a couple of people, I mostly keep it to myself. Part of the problem is that I can't be bothered to explain it to anyone and I'm afraid they still wouldn't get it.

However, I wish people would understand that, most of us, don't bounce from bipolar cycle to bipolar cycle in a matter of a day, for example. I wish people understood that we all have a baseline, during which we're just 'ourselves' which includes moods that run the entire gamut. I want people to know that there's a "me" in there that comes up for air quite often, and want to get to know me when I'm like that (or when I'm super fun -for a while- when hypomanic ).

I'm afraid to hear crickets if I were to try to explain these things to those who do not have BP, or further misunderstandings. I'm also somewhat ashamed of the diagnosis and the sometimes bizarre behavior when hypo/manic

Thank you for saying this, some people close to me think I cycle with in a matter if minutes, I'm like no those are just normal swings, BP cycles are different, like right now I'm in a depressive cycle, been a couple of months, I hit a possible hassling between March and late April, then come May, boom cycled into depression.

I would tell you, but I'm too afraid. I'm being serious.

[gina_re]

I hate trying to explain that not depressed about something. My depression is not always situational, it really can come out of nowhere or after a hypomanic high. That is not in my control.
Oh and I'm not necessarily afraid of that, it's more of an annoyance to have to keep explaining.

[pirilin]

Not afraid of anything. Absolute NO FEAR.

[hopeless2015]

I'm with gina on this one, it comes our of nowhere sometimes and it's out of my control, I don't like it either!!

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[JustJace2u]

Plain and simple...I'm afraid of the stigma that seems to come with it all.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I would tell you, but I'm too afraid. I'm being serious.

I know what you mean. There are things that go on in my head and my emotions that I'm afraid of MYSELF, and even more afraid to tell others because I feel it would be used against me somehow. I'm afraid of what someone might do with that information.