I feel suicidal

I've crashed again.

I've been up and down and up and down since april.

I can't handle this anymore.

I don't know if I should have my husband take me to the hospital. I have a lot of nots about that.

Such as:

Expensive and we already have a ton of medical debt from me
They won't be able to help me anyway
Holiday weekend and would really leave my coworkers hanging

I just can't stand this anymore!

In a few days I know I'll be up again, come down and be normal for a few days, and then crash!

Usually if I am thinking I may need a ridge to the hospital, I need that ride.

There are always reasons to not go.

Honestly, after New Year's it scares me to think of you suicidal and not in a hospital.

Does your husband know how you are feeling?

Well... A couple of things:

I'd say: who cares about medical debt. Your life is more important than medical debt

Also, you mean a lot to your daughter and your husband. They would be devastated if anything happened to you. Maybe keep them in your thoughts and use that as motivation not to do anything rash. You do know you'll feel better soon too, so there's that as well

Yeah. We were talking about it.

I just don't know what to do about this situation I've been having.

WHAT CAN I ****ING DO!!!

How can I fix this up and down and up and down problem. It's just getting worse too!

I feel for you. I lived like that for many years before any meds did much for me. But I did get a good combination of meds and therapy and so I know it is possible, but rough.

When do you see the pdoc again?

Thanks blue and rainbow.

blue - my ups have been getting bad too though! I feek like I've been getting more psychotic, raging, and agitated! Everything is just getting worse!

rainbow - the 22nd

Can you move that up? 3 weeks is a long time after 3 months of suffering already.

My husband wants me to go on an antpsychotic, but I really don't want to.

I mean... is there a vitamin or an herb that will flatten me out?!

rainbow - i just had an emergency appointment with her because I was in the raging manic psychotic part of my cycle. she prescribed invega, but I can't afford it.

valerian root or kava kava (if they still sell that one) might take the edge off but I don't think they are what you are looking for.

I used to wish it could come in the water.

lol

Would be nice if it did!

I just want there to be something I could do! There has to be something. other than alcohol

thanks for talking to me rainbow

hugs!

Idk. You could try your invega or Haldol for 7-10 days and see if it fixed the problem. Then you can go off them after that and see if you're all good. It'd only be a week or so... and they can temporarily fix the symptoms whilst you wait for an appointment again

That's a good idea, blue.

I was also, grudgingly, thinking about going on seroquel again. I was on 300mg before, but she only wants me on 100mg, so maybe I wouldn't gain a ton of weight.

((HUGS)) APs are my favorite type of bipolar drug. I honestly think I'd be fine not being on any mood stabilizer and just take a good AP or two. Just my opinion, because they seem to make the most difference in my stability.

You deserve stability. Even if your mood swings are less intense and less frequent (they still might be there), you can feel SO much better with the proper care. Don't worry about debt.

Here's the question to ask yourself: Am I safe? Are you safe from harming yourself and others? Are you safe from causing yourself to lose your job or harm relationships due to your current situation? If your answer is no, but you're still distressed, I would try to get in to the pdoc earlier rather than go to the hospital.

As far as natural supplements go, I take NAC and Bee Pollen for my bipolar and OCD. They help a lot. The NAC helps with obsessive thoughts and the Bee Pollen helps when I feel hypomanic/agitated hypomania. The Bee Pollen levels hypomania out for me. Depression? I usually just have a lot more caffeine than usual and it helps my mood to lift some. Not that it's the healthiest thing to do, though.

If the world Invega helps can you not request the drug company to help? I thought they had a program to help those who can't afford it?

Thank you, music, for the natural recomendations. I will definitely look into those!

nammu - i haven't taken the invega yet, but most likely will tomorrow night. I called about it, and the nurse said there's a patient assistance program or something.

But without help, even with our insurance it's $140 a month.

What kind of insurance do you have? I think my pdoc may want to try me on Invega sometime soon. Isn't there a generic available?

no generic

I have anthem blue cross blue shield.

rasberrytorte, I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Do you have not-for-profit clinics, maybe an outpatient (or an IOP if you are looking for more intensive) that you can go to? I know in my state, many are sliding scale. Sometimes only a few dollars per service if you decide to pay a flat fee without going through insurance. Just a thought.

geodon comes in a generic. I pay about 55$ a month.
and it is weight neutral.
It is my life saver. I have zyprexa for emergency mania.
bizi
sorry it is so hard right now for you.
You deserve wellness.
((((((HUGS))))))

I'm sorry things are rough right now.

I wish you the best.

I'm on two aps and they have saved my life. No more mania, and if I get depressed it's mild and only lasts a few hours. I've never been this stable. There are many you can try till you find what works. I take Saphris and Geodon. I hope you reconsider taking one. It will stop all the up and down.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

Hi Raspberry,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.
My heart goes out to you.

Lots of good suggestions!

Please be careful with valerian, as a large percentage of ppl have a "paradoxical reaction," feeling increased anxiety, increased agitation.

Personally, I would go "all out" for stabilization and later consider augmenting with herbs/supplements. There is research-based evidence showing some agents help when added to meds. It's critical to get the meds in place when feeling suicidal.

Yes, some of the newer APs are very expensive. I had to use my insurance and a manufacturer's discount and the co-pay for just thirty tabs of lowest dose Latuda was still over fifty dollars. My pdoc knew it was expensive, but he did not know how expensive. He is getting me some free samples to help out.

Bizi and others mentioned good strategies. We can go back to a different AP which was helpful, even if not an ideal drug, whether generic Geodon or even Haldol, at least until we have stabilization. It's critical to reach a point of stabilization.

An IOP program is another good suggestion, if it's available and you can do it. Many are affiliated with hospitals, which also offer some funding assistance through the patient financial aid department. I have had friends go through 6 week intensive programs with little to no co-pay when they qualify for patient assistance through the hospital.

I hope your pdoc can help you immediately.

Please keep us posted.

We are here for you!

WC