diatribe about my current crisis status

So i'm definitely manic. sent some saucy texts to my spouse. Not so saucily and in dirty old man lecherous. Totally put of characer for me as the clexa has me rather asexual.

on the psychiatric front I have problems. I dont have an actual pdoc. Ive been seeing APRNS. psychiatric nurse practitioners. my last one was older, nice lady personablly, but couldnt work a computer, would send meds to pharmacy always with dosages different than what she told me she was prescribing and would tell me she was prescribing a med and it would not be there, then telling me it would "poof" into cyberspace. So I switched to another APRN, he quit after 2 weeks. Theres a part time replacement with another full time job so she's at my clinic once a month. We did not hit it off. She told me I'm misdiagnosed bipolar, i'm bored and should smoke medical marijuana.. Good advice for many many people, but I tried that route and MM fives me horrible panic attacks. CBD is too expensive for my SSDI budget. ANd i'm not bored I'm bipolar and she met me once and didn't read my file. Also my T hasn't returned my calls in 3 weeks. I need a psych MD don't know who I have to know to get one around her, my pcp sad my resources are better than hers. The social security list is completely outdated.

I did not sleep a wink last night. GOing 5 miles a minute today. everyone I saw out and about looked "familiar.". Things shimmered an undulated. I heard music and radio talking. I am taking my prescribed meds. Also I feel effing euphoric like I want to seize the world. In my 20'ds I experimented wit uppers and this is a clean version of that. My spouse told me that this is crunch time at work and cant miss days. My mom cant handle my son because my dad has bad Alzheimer's.

I'm worried about the impending crash.

Are there non med, legal tools that can head off a crash? No access to cannabis and it gives me panic attacks. It never did during college days. but I used to get shwag. Ive been doing my art, but I'm just not sleeping. when I get like this I end up in the hospital and it makes my son sad and my spouse doesn't drive and it would screw them and ugh!

I might have some cheap drug store valerian. In periods of normality it does nothing for me so I may have thrown it away.

I'm gonna have to start googling psych md's and calling each one and seeing if they take my insurance.

All because of 20mgs of prednisone.

I wish I could create some epic work of art or literature but its all been basic thus far.

tl;dr manic, par for the course with the lot of us., venting.

I won't say I know how you feel, because I don't.
I wish I could do something productive too.
But all I think is ****. Like cerebral diarrhea.
Welcome to the club. Good luck.

Well I will just throw this out there .... If you go IP , Legally before discharge you will have an appt with in 2 weeks with a Pdoc and T... So often that is the best way to get the freaking ball rolling.

Depending on where you live and your financially situation you can qualify for some help and might not need to pay that pesky 20% that medicare leaves us with ..

I hope you find some hope and help soon .. Crash and burns are very hard to recover from

I don't know what's so special about my situation, maybe because I have Medicare Medicaid, maybe because by the time I present at Erwin I'm bade off they keep me for 4 weeks. Also I live in Massachusetts land medical intervention. That could have something to do with it. Also I'm not medically cleared to do lower level respites due to my neurological disorder.