This sounds ridiculous, but I honestly can't tell whether I'm depressed or if my personality just sux. I have been very irritable and sensitive lately. Feel like everyone has an ulterior motive or bad intentions. Been getting in fights with family. Feeling hopeless, alone, pessimistic. Crying and crying for no discernible reason, or over very minor events/interactions. SI, urge to self-harm etc. etc. But at the same time, I don't feel lazy and unmotivated like I usually do when I'm down. I'm not tired or fatigued. I've been productive - making a lot of progress on my various deadlines. I work work work - but why? what for? why do I care if I do a good job if everything is pointless? I'm beginning to feel like the BP thing is a sham (in my case I mean), and that really I'm just moody or dramatic or immature. sour grapes.

[Ripose]

I reached that time in my life where I could not see the point to anything including living but I realized it was because I was lonely and no goals in life. I met my wife set some goals for retirement and felt much better about living. To me it was a lot more than sour grapes.

Have you ever had a mixed episode?

Regardless, I hope you feel better soon.

Originally Posted by Ripose

I reached that time in my life where I could not see the point to anything including living but I realized it was because I was lonely and no goals in life. I met my wife set some goals for retirement and felt much better about living. To me it was a lot more than sour grapes.

Sometimes I think that goals are the only thing that distract me from how meaningless everything really is. I just finished my phd 2 months ago and I feel almost nothing. I'm "happily married." I'm very close to and have a great family. There are no 'external stressors.' I should be happy and grateful (dear life: "it's not you, it's me!")

Maybe I should do something to help others.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

It sounds like you're having a mixed episode with some paranoia.

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Originally Posted by rainyday107

Have you ever had a mixed episode?

Regardless, I hope you feel better soon.

I don't know. I think maybe a few years ago. I spent a couple of months only sleeping maybe 4-6 hours a night (not normal for me) and was extremely anxious and irritable. I worked obsessively and felt very frantic/massive sense of urgency but was also very very hopeless and desperate -- kind of an enraged sadness, if that makes sense. I was also kind of socially impulsive (emailed a semi-famous person thinking we could meet up, hanging out with other men, etc.). I also remember experiencing racing thoughts and waves of euphoria that would bring me to tears. But in general the months seem like a blurry mess rather than a series of distinct mood episodes. Does that sound like a mixed state? I wasn't seeing a doc at the time...

Sounds like a mixed episode.

I'm in the middle of a mixed episode, too. You aren't alone. We can be two special snowflakes!

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I just got out of a mixed episode by starting a new stabilizer. Are you on one? That's really the only thing that helps me

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[Victoria'smom]

Talk to a therapist. I think it's a mixed episode too.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, thankfully. I don't know if this is a mixed episode though...it doesn't seem 'bad enough.' And I'm sleeping normally (unlike last time). I notice that I get waves/flashes of 'hypomanic thinking' (I know! I'll open a bar! an art gallery! I'll save the neighborhood!) and then the same with 'depressive thinking' (nothing matters, everyone hates me, I don't care if I die, etc.) - just back and forth all day. I think that's why I can't even tell what mood I'm in, or if this even is a 'mood' or my personality :/

I plan to start a mood stabilizer but am going backpacking for a month so am postponing until I get back...hope I can make it out there.