My experience with a bipolar girlfriend, should I chase her?

A little of the backstory………..

I met my girlfriend at her place of work and we clicked very quickly, I saw her a few times at the same location and finally got the nerve to ask her out for a drink. She agreed and organised it for a Friday night after she finished her shift. When I turned up for our date she was nowhere in sight and her phone was off, I had been stood up! I got up enough nerve and called in again on her place work to ask what had happened. She apologised and asked me to hang around to have that drink.

A few days went by and I got a cryptic text message thanking me for making her do something that she had planned to do for a long time. At this stage I didn’t know she had bipolar but I later found out that this message was in regards to her getting back on her medication for the first time for a while because of meeting me. The next date she told me about her bipolar. At this stage while I had heard about bipolar I didn’t fully understand what it entailed. Google was my friend and it gave me a quick rundown on what it was all about.

A month or two into the relationship I received a late night phone call from her, her first words were “Don’t hate me”, she the advised me that she had kissed someone else. She told me that it was a one off and that she loved me. I was heartbroken, but the revelation from her made me realise that I had fallen for her also. I had never planned on it, but I was in love way to quick.

The next few months went great and we spent every weekend together and even some days of the week. We were happy. I saw her a few times off her medication where she said hurtful things and wanted as to break up, I knew it was her disorder so we talked and always got her back on her meds. I never blamed her or were upset with because of these outbursts, I knew she couldn’t control it and I always loved her.

Another late night phone call was received four months or so into the relationship, when they were late night/early morning calls I always knew something was coming. She was drunk, something that was becoming more common and obviously has not been taking her meds. She broke up with me over the phone and told me that she loved and adored me but if she stayed with she would “destroy me”. I knew she was off her meds from her voice and words used so I just tried to focus on her health and wellbeing. The call went dead and I couldn’t get back onto her. I was really concerned but her place was a secure apartment complex and I couldn’t get into to check on her.

I left work early that day unable to focus and concerned for her wellbeing. I received a call around lunch time with her in tears asking for me to come to her place. I went. After seeing her it was clear she was off her meds, she was talking about suicide by medication overdose. I took her tablets from her and finally convinced her to take her morning dose only and to come home with me. This was a relief as I could keep an eye on her. She slept and slept and by the next morning while not great she seemed better. She decided to spend the entire weekend with me which was again a relief because if I knew she was alone in the city she would consume alcohol and gone again into a downward spiral. By the end of the weekend with me she was back to her level self.

Last week after another night out with her friends she phoned me early in the morning and advised we were over, the same reason about not wanting to hurt me in the future was given. After this as of a week later she has not spoken to me. I have sent a message a day just to say hi and to see how she is, but as of right now she still hasn’t contacted me.
I know that she is alive as she has been going into work, which makes me feel a bit better. I am not sure if she is medicated or not.

I love this girl so much and I know she loves me. Her bipolar disorder is something that is very tough to deal with in a relationship, I understand that and I have read enough forums on people who have experienced that same kind of issues, but I am never angry with her because of her outbursts.

Should I chase her? I want to be with her medicated or not. I understand her and want to support her as she is always better when she is with me. She knows that alcohol is not good for her but the late finishes she has always turns into a few too many drinks. I am even considering offering for her to come and stay with me for a bit as I live in the country just she can break the cycle she is in and hopefully get level again.

She knows that she is better when she is medicated, but obviously when she isn’t which I think is the case now, she doesn’t want to take them.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Don't chase her. Let her go.
If she is causing you this much heartache this early in the relationship, it is only going to get worse.
If you have to ask the question, you already know, in your heart, that the answer is no

You allowed yourself to fall for a person who you knew to be unstable. Now you are seeing the results. This will likely never change. She needs to be the responsible one and step up by taking her medication. This will not happen with you in her life as being the enabler.

Chase her??? I find that a question incongruent with what you know and have experienced with her. Personally, I do not chase anybody. They are either there or not. If they have real issues with being there for me, I move on. Perhaps you can learn from this example.

I do wish you good in whatever you choose to do.

Tucson

Let her go. She needs to realize (and I apologize if I sound too blunt) how much of a mess she is without her meds. Support is all around us but ultimately it is the individual who has to make the choice of taking meds or what else the dilemma is.

Sure chase her... If you're fine with being broken up with once a week. It seems like her biggest issue is with alcohol and being non compliant with her meds. Which is something BP often do. Cycle between stability on meds to no meds and self medication. If in fact she said she wanted to be back with you, i wouldn't get back with her unless she promised to stop drinking and seek help.

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I know it's hard because you've fallen in love with her and you want to help her. But, she needs to help herself first. She isn't going to give you what you need unless she takes care of herself. You're going to be bailing her out and having your heart broken. It'll hurt, but let her go now and save yourself an awful lot of pain.

Never chase anybody!
But really like everyone has already said she has to get herself healthy before she will ever give you what you need
Good luck!

I am sorry, as I know it hurts. You cannot rescue her. She knows her options. She could choose to remain med-compliant, yet that's not her choice. She is letting you know she's self-destructive. Let her go and heal your own life. She does not want help.


WC

Honestly? Sounds more like borderline than bipolar.

Everything has revolved around relationship drama. Not mania, not depression, just game playing and bad behavior. On again, off again, talk of pre-emptive breakup (before she "destroys" you), suicidal threat/gesture (which started with her calling you at work, distraught, "line goes dead", you worry, leave work... This would not be unusual as a borderline "test". I've been on the receiving end of this very thing.) You seem to repeatedly "save" her from herself. You rescued her, she got a bit of sleep and was all better. Just like that. Huh. She is "always better when she is with" you. See object permanence in BPD. It's tied in with the lack of sense of self and abandonment issues.

It's hard not to notice that meds only get mentioned when there is bad behavior. Whenever bad behavior happens it's "because she's off her meds". Are you sure? Because it kind of sounds like a pretext for getting you to excuse bad behavior. It works out very well for her that you hold her blameless for anything bad she does, everything coming down to she can't help it so you never get upset with her "outbursts" (see the paragraph 4 free ticket.)

I don't say any of this to he mean. But I do think you are in denial about how she is taking advantage of your caring nature. And that's got NOTHING to do with bipolar.

Even if you set all diagnostic considerations aside, why would you WANT to pursue this?? This is a parent-child dynamic. Is that what you want? If you think you do, think again. It gets old always having to be the grown up. What about what YOU need?

Bottom line: I'm skeptical. Calling it bipolar is a red herring for what's really going on here, imo.

Sorry. I'm just not buying her bill of goods.

I wholeheartily agree with the above astute observations by Innerzone. You only have a perpetual nightmare ahead for you. Get out and move on.

Tucson

In my opinion, she is disrespecting you and playing games. It's not typical behavior of a person with bipolar. I'd be fair to yourself and not chase that.

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We can't help who we love. Sometimes the people we love are sick. Sometimes we need to help them. In certain cases we do the most help by being there for them and in other cases we help the most by letting them go. I cannot tell you what to do in the situation other than to protect yourself and stay safe. No matter what you decide, I can tell it will be difficult for you and so my heart really goes out to you in this situation. It is hard to walk away from someone who is destroying themselves. It is hard to stand by them and watch them self destruct. You are in a difficult place and I'm sorry. I hope both you and your girlfriend find happiness and contentment in life.

As others have posted, think you might want to let this one go.... It sounds cold, but this may force her to confront how she cares for herself, and have to hold herself more accountable for relationships.

Unfortunately, it might take years for people to accept the fact that they have an illness, that it is serious, and they will have to live a little more consciously than people without mental illness.

What I mean by "consciously" is that it is up to them to learn and then be aware of their unique early-warning signals.. They will have to ensure they are getting proper sleep, avoid triggers and unhealthy behavior, and build skills to maintain psychological homeostasis.

Even then, this is no guarantee one won't hit depression/mania, but it could lessen the fallout.

I've found it's okay to lean on others for support, but not to get up on their backs, asking them to carry me. She needs to learn how to do her own heavy-lifting.

Wishing the best for you, which ever choice you should make. Take care

wonder if he will return to read these posts?
bizi

So true. Awesome post!

Sometimes when we see others believe in us, we start believing in ourselves.
Love can be very powerful at times.


WC

I am sorry about what you are going through. It is very hard to see a loved one suffering from mental health issues. As it was mentioned before, it does sound like Borderline Personality Disorder.....or possibly both. Either way, it sounds like it would be in your best interest (and in her best interest) if you let things be for now. In other words, go a period of time without contact, because her lack of contact could be a cue that she knows that a relationship is overwhelming for her right now, and she needs time to focus on herself and getting better.

It is so difficult, because I can tell you are obviously very worried about her, and I feel for you. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do right now to help her, because she needs time to figure out how to help herself--which it sounds like she's trying to tell you. If there's any chance for a healthy relationship with her in the future and you give her the time she needs, then she will reach out and respect you for giving her time to take care of her issues. That being said, you need to look out for yourself too. Don't put your life on hold. Work on accepting that a healthy relationship with her is not in the cards at this time and use this time to heal and keep moving forward with your life. It's painful, and I've been in a similar situation with someone I loved (though everyone's situation is different). Take care of yourself. Don't abandon yourself and your own needs.

She will destroy you, so let her go now and cut your losses. You cannot fix anyone, they need to do it for themselves.