Many of you know by now that I have had therapy regularly for nearly 12 years. And it is very excellent therapy, too.

There are several reasons why my therapy is so good. A lot of it is that there are just a whole lot of excellent therapists in the new city I moved to after my divorce. This is the first place in my whole life where I have found good therapists!

But there are other things that enter into it.

1. I refuse to stay with a therapist unless I like them! And unless I feel very comfortable with them, and feel like they like me! I need to trust them, and feel like their therapeutic style fits how I learn, and what I need at any given time.

Actually, I have changed therapists (and other providers such as disability workers) of my own initiative very few times. Most of my therps I have been very happy with. One, I have seen 9 years; one for 3 (till she transferred to a new job) and two for 5 years. And others for as long as they stayed at their jobs, which would have been 2-3 years each.

I am not speaking about being instantly judgmental so that a person can’t ever find a satisfactory therapist. But after 40-some years of never being satisfied with any therapist, being blamed by many therapists, when I would leave therapy, for “being unwilling to work,” “being unwilling to feel the pain of therapy,” and “quitting before just before the real therapy begins,” and variations on these themes, I do feel vindicated now that I have proven to myself that my instinct about the kind of therapist I needed were right on! I just didn’t have access to any such people, for 40 years!

2. It is important to remember who the patient/client is. And whose insurance is paying the bill! We don't have to waffle and feel sorry for a therp we want to leave. We can simply say "this is not a good fit." They will understand. That very same therp is quite likely to be a good fit with lots of other people -- just not me or you, or whoever wants a different therp.

3. If I ever get any flak from a clinic or insurance co. for wanting to change therps,I absolutely insist. And I continue to insist every few DAYS until I am changed to a new therp! More than once, I had to insist on ANOTHER change, when the first changed therp was not for me, either. Of course, when I was talking to the supervisor, I had identified the qualities I wanted in a therp. At one point, I wanted someone who was warm, and who listened for a long, long time, and then offered suggestions. Later on, I asked for someone who is strong, highly intelligent, and won’t put up with me trying to manipulate them even if it is unintentional manipulation on my part. I want someone who will use "I" messages and not "you" messages with me! I also ask for someone who is personally involved in the arts, as I tend to relate well to musicians, writers, and artists. However, I have also had good therps who are not involved in the arts. I always mention that it is essential that the person have training and a lot of experience working with people who have bipolar disorder!

One clinic had asked me to be a client representative on their advisory board. Then, just before I started to join, my excellent therapist left the clinic. They gave me a real jerk, who was incompetent. And an incompetent psych nurse practitioner on top of that. Yelling or crying in this therp's office was absolutely not allowed!!!! No process therapy there! I told the administrator (the one who liked me -- up till then! ) I wanted to change therps. She refused. I was in bad shape then, too. It got real messy, with me going over her head and the top administrator hearing that I was a mess and a nuisance. I know this because the person telling him that accidentally sent ME the email she meant to send to him....oh well. So I changed clinics, and the new therp, who I still see when I need someone, said, "This is your space. You can yell any time you want to or need to!"

4. I also develop a pool of advocates to back me up. Early in my mental health program, I did it all by myself. I had no advocates. Now, however, I have a huge arsenal of advocates!

5. As a teacher myself, I know how I learn. So I help my therps teach me. One thing a good teacher does is

"Give the student something useful and positive to take away at the end of the hour!!!!"

I ask my therps for homework. And I never will leave a session without it!!!!! This gives me hope. And it gives me something positive to work on during the period between appointments.

6. I keep my eye on the clock. At about 15 till the end of the session, if I am feeling really sad or angry or bad, I tell the therp point blank that I CANNOT LEAVE THE SESSION FEELING LIKE THIS. WHAT CAN WE DO SO THAT I WILL FEEL BETTER WHEN I LEAVE? Actually, my present therp tells me when there are 15 minutes left (at my request) so I don’t have to keep my own eye on the clock anymore. I can concentrate better with him being the timekeeper.

Any therp who says it is just a part of therapy to feel pain, is not for me!!! Sure, emotions are high, and one cries and rages sometimes!! Big deal -- isn't that just routine for us bipolars anyhow!??? I CANNOT TOLERATE PAIN after a therapy session, with no resolution , solution, or some homework to begin to find some resolution or solution.

I try NEVER, NEVER to leave a session feeing in an ugly mood. If this happens, I tell the therp that I MUST CALL YOU LATER AND FINISH THIS SESSION.

If the therp is not available till the next appointment, s/he better give me an alternative to talk to, who is available 24 hours a day! This has been a huge problem around here, where we have no help lines, no all-night social clubs, etc etc.

Any therp who more than one time ends my session with me feeling upset, I immediate tell the clinic I refuse to ever see that therp again.

But now I am finding out it is important to learn how to do a positive closure. That is something I don't yet know how to do. But I DO know how to trust my instincts and my own inner wisdom on which therp/s I need. I have spoken, sometimes angrily, to many a supervisor, and sometimes even to the head of the State Department of Mental Health, whoever I need to go to, to get GOOD THERAPY for myself.

7. The first excellent therp I ever had, I was 50 years old. She is a private therp, who was recommended to me by another community college instructor when I was teaching at one. I have known her now, for 9 years, and still do speak with her when my other therps are unavailable. She talks to me immediately on the telephone, because she has very few private clients. If she can't talk, she will always tell me, so I don't always EXPECT her to be there for me, but she is, at least 75% of the time.

My co-teacher told me about this therp, before I first met her: "She's good. She's fast. But you have to work REAL HARD." I said, "Great. That's exactly what I want!"

And that is exactly what I have gotten, not only from her, but from all my therps.

"Fast," means that I get results fast. It does NOT mean that all my problems are over fast!! No, it has taken me many years to get where I am now. I spoke with that same therp last weekend. She said that I have come so far and she is so proud of me. She said, "You are the same person you always have been, and have the same strengths you have always had. But you have lost that helplessness you used to have."

Hope this post is useful to anyone who reads it. I cringe when I hear people saying, "I know therapy is so painful." Balderdash. If you love truth, and digging till you find out the truths you need, then "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." And I am not being sacrilegious! It is so true. It is just very gradual. Growth is gradual any time, isn't it? Plants and trees don't just shoot up into the sky fast. No, they grow, a teeny bit at a time. They get stronger and bigger, but you cannot see them grow.

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Thank you for this post, it has come at a timely moment. Last week I left my therapist's office upset and found it very hard to get past the feeling for the following few days. I am going back there tomorrow and feel scared that it will happen again because we will still be talking about the same issue.

I have had therapy of various kinds for 20 years, so I've had my fair share of appointments ending unresolved. It's torture isn't it?! For me it feels like I walk out and there is this vast emptiness ahead of me.

Thanks again. I will keep this is mind tomorrow to make sure that I give myself a chance to debrief before its time to leave.

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Thank you for sharing!

[MBM17]

I LOVED this! I've had more harmful therapists than helpful therapists, and I wish I had known years ago most of what you've said.

This. In so many ways.
This was so good!