Am I me with meds or not?

So, as you know I've been on practically every cocktail of meds in the past year when I was finally dx'd. My DH is hyper aware of my moods and watches me like a hawk. To be honest, I deserve to be watched like a hawk. Anyway, my pdoc put me back on the lowest dose of Cymbalta to help with the chronic OCD. It has tons of side affects for about 2+ months and then it settles down.

My dilemma is that I don't know who the real me is anymore. I'm second guessing how I talk, whether I'm too open (known for that), or just barely say anything. My DH notices anything that has to do with my mood. He said that he couldn't tell if our friends that we were with last night noticed that I was in a haze because of the Cymbalta. Of course that's making me question everything. I really have a hard time with boundaries. I don't mean to nosy or a busybody, I just think that's part of my extroversion. However, I'm now self conscious.

Who is the real me?!? Anyone else that wonders that?

YOU are the real you.

It can seem a tricky thing, but I'll start with the probably obvious thing. That being that with meds, the you being you is a matter of a good cocktail (or monotherapy if that's what works for someone). The goal of course being whatever keeps you you without getting problematically low or high (or at least for shorter timeframes).

You have tried a bunch, so another thing to consider is the relative newness of the dx and hypervigilance. While it's good to be vigilant, it's possible to be overly so. Sounds like that might be a significant factor in your confusion. Questioning and dissecting every little thing is crazymaking. It would seem worthwhile to dial that back a touch and see if that helps.

If it does (and I think it will! ), then you could work with boundaries if that is a problem for you. They're separate things (ie. You being extroverted and boundaries. You could have boundary issues regardless of being extroverted or not.)

(((Hashi/bipolar mom)))

It's a really hard thing to feel like you can't trust yourself or know who you really are. I fought that battle, both at times I've been on various medications and at the original time of my diagnosis. I spent a fair bit of time pondering who I really was, as opposed to those things that were my BP. That's obviously different than the impact of medication (since BP is definitely a part of me), but the anxiety over who I really was caused a lot of turmoil.

I think Innerzone has some great advice for you - looking at yourself under a microscope and analyzing each of your actions, moods, statements, etc., is bound to create more anxiety about your concern, not less.

While meds can blunt feelings sometimes, I don't think it takes away the essence of who I am. I still am who I am, no matter what I'm on. I agree with Innersole; the hyper-vigilance needs to be toned down a bit. Don't confuse normal ups and downs with BP symptoms.

You're still you on meds. Hopefully, the best you!

Thanks so much guys! This is so hard and I know you guys get it! I'm really going to try to tone the hyper vigilance down a bit. My DH is still concerned and I don't know how to get him to stop that. I can only control myself. I would say that my BP really started about 8 years ago so now that I'm on meds, I'm so confused about what is what. My DH told me the other night at a football game that I needed to mind my own business when it came to talking with my son's GF. Also, he thought my friends might wonder why I'm zoned. I'm like, I can't help it! They have seen me on various meds for the past year, maybe they think it's normal for me! They seem to like me anyway! My DH is an introvert and doesn't like attention, whether it's him or his family. Sigh! Thanks for caring guys!!!! Hugs

I think the exact same thing about my meds. I often wonder how I'd be without since its been years since I've been medicated AND sober! It ALMOST makes me want to stop taking them thinking that I can handle myself now but I won't take that chance.

I was just wondering this myself about the meds. I also wonder, how are the meds changing me and which one is causing what (?) since it's hard to tell when you are on multiple meds. I wish I knew. I agree with others here completely: You are still you, even with the medication, no matter what. All the qualities that make you the unique person that you are....well, they are part of you, even if meds make you cloudy at different times. Your values, strengths, interests, and (importantly) life experiences help shape who you are and all that you bring to the table no matter what.

You're always still you.

I often wonder what I'd be like without meds though. I don't know if it would be good or not, but it's not like I'm doing all that great on meds either. Maybe I'd be worse? Who knows.