Broke my damn heart

My son just broke my heart . The poor thing came out of his room asking me if I missed Daddy. I said of course I do. Then he said why. So I said because daddy was my best friend, and he was just the best guy ever. Then my poor child asked what would happen to him when me and his grandmother (my mother, whom we live with) die. He said he will be all alone. I assured him that I will not die for a very long time, and neither will grammy. And I also assured him that when we do die, he will NOT be alone, because he will have friends and a wife of his own. Of course I do not know if any of this is true, but it seems like the best course of action to tell a six year old.

He's so worried about me dying and him being alone. I feel so bad. If i could, I would punch my husband in the face right now for putting him through this. He asked me where Daddy died, and I couldn't answer...I don't want him to know the awful details of that night. He said Daddy died in the bathroom because he saw Daddy throwing up in the bathroom. HOW ****ING AWFUL. Now I don't know if he saw him the night he died or if he just saw him in general, because my husband had a weak stomach and threw up often. But what if he DID see him throwing up on that day? How ****ing terrible. I don't know, I was in bed by nine o clock because I was suffering from depression. Chris was asleep when I went to sleep, but he could have come out of his room and seen his dad throwing up. And then the next morning he was gone.

He's worried because of my stomach problems. I mentioned I might have to have surgery and he freaked out and said "But will you still be alive?" and I had to assure him that I would be, it was routine surgery, IF it even has to happen. I feel SO ****ing bad for my baby. I remember that fear, that absolute terror that my other parent was going to die. It was awful. I don't want him to feel like that.

But I've done better than my mom did for me. I have assured him that it is ok and it is normal to miss his dad, and that he can come talk to me any time and he doesn't have to worry about upsetting me. I hope he takes that to heart. I don't ever want him to be afraid of talking to me for fear of upsetting me.

It's just a hard night tonight i wish things weren't this way. I wish my husband hadn't been so ****ing stupid. My sister in law said he talked to her the other day and then she said she told him to come to me, but he knows better than to come to me right now because I am LIVID. I want to erase anything that reminds me of him because i'm so ****ing pissed with him right now. HOW COULD HE. HOW COULD HE ABANDON US LIKE THIS. For what? TO GET HIGH? He knew it could kill him and he didn't ****ing care.

My rational brain knows that it was his addiction and he couldn't help it and maybe someday I will forgive him but that time is not right now.

Forgive the long post, I just have no one to talk to right now. So I come here. You guys are my friends.

On another, random note, I have to review an organization for my mental health project for my class and I chose PsychCentral :-D I'm learning all about this website and how it came to be!

So sorry you're hurting!

I wanna buy a bunch of stuff right now to make me feel better. But I don't even know what I want to buy. I want to smoke too but alas, I've quit smoking. Damn.

Keep posting here. We got you!

That is heartbreaking.

so sorry.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi
keep posting we are listening.
bizi

It's so sad that you are suffering so terribly. All your feelings are valid. My heart goes out to your son....poor dear boy

(((Hugs to you and your son)))

I am so sorry. I don't know what I'd have done if my hubby had died while the kids were young. You have every right to feel the way you do. So keep coming here to vent, scream, cry, whatever you want to do. We're here for you. Sending love and

Having a hurting child is worse than your own hurt and he is so young. You will both need to grieve for a long while. It's good for you to post about it and I hope you can find someone to talk about it too. Impossible to know for sure but it seems like you said the right things.

I am so sorry. I know it is difficult for you but it is probably good that your son talks to you. My son was eleven years old when he lost his dad and he didn't want to talk which made his teen years difficult.

I'm glad you guys are talking about this. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep posting we're here for you.

Thanks everyone. I hope I'm doing the right thing. There's no manual on how to help your young son through grief. So I'm doing and saying all the things I wish my mom had done and said for me. That's the best I can do.

I just woke up from a dream about my husband. It was a pleasant dream, we were planning our wedding. But In it he was also using drugs. So not entirely pleasant. Usually dreams like this make me sad for the whole day because I miss him so much. But I'm so angry I just want to tell him to **** off and stop coming into my dreams.

I do have a therapist to talk to about all this so that's good. She's a really good therapist. And I've been considering putting my son in play therapy. im not sure yet if it's necessary. I have to find a good therapist because the last therapist I took him to (before my husband died, when he was having trouble in pre school) was a weirdo. He had a tantrum in her office because she wanted him to sit down and do this eye movement thing that I think he was too young to understand, and she made me restrain him. I was really uncomfortable with tha it made me feel horrible. He wasn't hurting himself, just kicking the couch. I don't think it was necessary to restrain him. We never went back to her after that. It kind of put me off child therapists. But this would be different because he's not having behavioral problems, just showing grief and anxiety.

It's just so hard. I am so thankful I've been stable for so long because I wouldn't be able to handle this if I wasn't. I can only hope it continues through the winter, as I typically get depressed in the winter.

Sigh...I just wish my husband had thought about the risks of what he was doing. But I know as an addict he didn't care. I mean, I keep smoking even though I know the risks. I'm trying to quit now but it's really hard. So I understand on a small level.

Doesn't mean I'm not pissed as hell though.

So sorry you have to go through this. But you were there for your son and that's what's important. My daughter never knew her dad (we split when I got pregnant) but I tried to be there for her, even when my illness caused me problems.

(((Hugs)))

I think you're doing great explaining things to him. My dad died when I was 4 and nobody even told me he died! I'm the youngest of eight. My mom went in her room for like a year and my sister Kim took over parenting. Then my mom attempted suicide like 7 times. I was between the ages of 4-11 through that.

I wish my mom would have explained to me what happened. My dad died of a heart attack. They just put me in the bathroom. I think you're doing so well letting him go through his own grieving process.

About child therapists. I found a really good one for my son when he was younger. But it was mainly for behavior problems. I have hope you'll find someone.

You're a great mom!