I've always been a depressed guy but I've had this thread of euphoria through the way I've coped with it. The depression made me feel deeply about things. To cure my depression I would use philosophy, sex, and music which I harnessed to feel very euphoric. So it was a controlled euphoria. However, over time, my depression increased but so did my controlled euphoria until I finally had a psychotic break that lasted an entire year. I was utterly suicidal but at the sametimes, I could force myself through sex, music and philosophy to still strive towards that euphoric cure. It wasn't enough though. I was too suicidal for too long and I embarresed myself and I was sent to the hospital. They thought I was schizophrenic. I was in such bad shape. My memory was shot from he stress to the hippocampus. The meds me made confused. They put me on Risperdal. It was horrible. I then fought with my psychiatrist and we finally settled on Geodon. I was still severely depressed though with some controlled euphoria. But I was on the whole, suicidally depressed still, just not psychotic. Then he put me on an SSRI and I went full blown manic depressive and I was put off it and put on lithium. My doctor then said I had some sort of schizoaffective bi polar type. It's when you can have a remain in a constant psychotic state. Mine was paranoid.

My question is, what is this depression that I could partially control with so strongly with philosophy, music and sex so well? Now that I'm on a mood stabilizer (lamictal) it's impossble to harness that controlled euphoria. Which strikes me. It's like taking se away from a nymphomaniac. It's heart crushing that philosophy doesn't cause the same sentiments in me as it did before.

[wiretwister]

yes you will lose part of yourself ... thats the deal to fit into this world ... sorry .... (true for me anyways) ... love .. Tigger

[bioChE]

I used to be a philosopher. That was pre-meds. The medications did something to my brain, and philosophy is dead to me now.

But I don't get it. How could I be psychotic for a year? It can't be scizoaffective because the whole time I was SEVERELY depressed and sometimes euphoric when I focused enough. With schizoaffective you need to be sychotic at least for 2 weeks without a mood disorder present. So it's not quite schizoaffective, nor bipolar, nor was my mania ever really high, but controlled when I focused hard enough. I had to earn them almost.

How could I have a psychotic bipolar episode for an entire year? I would still be psychotic if I wasn't on meds. My dad has been psychotic since 2001.

On the flip side, how could it be schizoaffective? I have no cognitive decline whatsoever. Nor was a mood free.

Nor did my moods go up and do, up and down. It was always severe depression except when I focus on sex, philosophy and music.

Can anyone help me understand this?

[Ocean Swimmer]

I focused my mania on sex and work. Tons of exercise too. All adrenaline rushes.
Worked for years. From time to time I'd isolate and let the depression just take over. I'd work 27 days in a row. Then take 3 days off to stay in bed and read.
Now I'm looking to reinvent myself.
I can relate. But it seems the more meds I've been on over the years have destroyed my natural abilities.
I understand what you are experiencing.