I Don't Know

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel myself becoming restless and agitated. I want to pace, to move. I feel like ripping my own skin off just to have something to do, to make sense of all the noise in my head. My thoughts are racing, and they are full of thoughts like, "you are a waste, you are a failure." I can feel SI's creep in, but I'm too afraid.
I thought I'd be more stable by now. It's been two months since IP, I thought there'd be some progress. But I feel like I'm headed in the wrong direction. I feel like I'm being torn in two different directions. I feel like this probably won't make much sense. I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.

((((Hugs)))). I feel very much the same but probably not as severe as it sounds like you are. Are you safe right now?

I'm so sorry you have to through this. Reaching out is critical. I'm so glad that you have. I'm primarily manic, but both my teen children have serious depression and anxiety issues. The one thing that always helps besides taking the meds is taking them for a drive. I'm not sure why it works. We talk and listen to music until thing's feel better. Is there someone who can be with you?

I am safe. I have my kid with me, so I am safe. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone.

can you call your pdoc tomorrow and get something to bring you down? I know it is hell feeling this way.

It might be a time to seriously consider going back IP. If things haven't gotten better since your last hospitalization, then it's likely a med issue causing your episode. Either that or make it crystal clear to your psychiatrist that things aren't working out with your current regimen.

That's what my support system thinks, that I should go back. But I'm afraid of the unknown future if I go back. I already went once, what will happen to my job, my kid, if I go back a second time within just a couple months? I know it's silly to be so scared. And the most ridiculous part of all, I'm afraid people will think I have failed somehow.
My therapist and psychiatrist are both aware I'm still struggling, although I'm not sure to this extent. I've told them I don't think things are working, but they want me to keep trying. I have an appointment on Monday.

You are not a failure if you go back ....you're a survivor looking to survive. ((((Hugs)))). If your support system thinks you should go back, it's got to make you think right? Better safe than sorry. Does your child have someplace safe to stay while you go IP?

Yes, my child would have somewhere to go.

Are any meds new? This makes me think of akathesia

Abilify is relatively new. Just the past couple weeks.

Abilify gave me akathisia.

It's a possibility. Could explain my extreme restlessness and agitation. Might it also explain the SIs and down mood as well?

Are you taking abilify?

Yes, 5mg at night

My daughter responded with similar symptoms to abilify. Her pdoc gave her Propranalol and it went away. She was pacing, restless, and oddly enough wanting to tear her skin off.