[beigeish]

Hi All,

After several (okay, maybe a half a dozen) sessions with my therapist focused on my growing dislike for work and consuming anxiety around it and countless conversations with my husband about poor treatment there...I've finally accepted the fact that my boss is emotionally abusive.

I fancy myself to be a strong person, so admitting that someone could bring me down with their words and treatment of me was really difficult. But it all ****ing fits. From the emotionally needy beginning to the sensitivity and lack of boundaries to the absolute **** that comes next, then the cycle repeats.

After going through this for months, I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm on the verge of quitting, but I've been with this company for years and climbed the ladder to a position where I know I could be happy if I could just shake off the constant ******** I have to go through.

For example, he knows that I am busy. Crushed. Staying late everyday, I can never afford to take a lunch, stress is awful, (writing this post will set me back quite a bit). But even still, he thew another project at me last week. Further-- something he was tasked with. Then asks me to complete it by the end of the week. I got it to him by Wednesday evening so if it needed revisions, I could complete them on time, but to this day, he still hasn't even looked at it. I busted my *** to get it done and he didn't even need it.

I have the stomach flu and needed to work from home today (nope- can't take a day off to try to get better). So I e-mailed this morning and let him know. I don't get an e-mail back with a "feel better", or even just an "ok". I get nothing. And this is consistent. And it's not innocent or forgetful. So there goes the anxiety again; and knows it.

I'm at a loss for how to handle this and feel like I'm at my breaking point... Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[benzenering]

I went through something very similar 5 years ago, but with the support of my husband I quit without even another job lined up. I had been at my old job 12 years. It just wasn't going to get better. I am sorry I can't give you more support. By the way, I have a great job now, little stress, and a great boss and coworkers. It did take me 7 months to get my new job, however.

[ThunderGoddess]

I have emotionally abusive coworkers so it's a bit different for me but still extremely stressful. I have a hard time sleeping because of it. I am a coordinator at my job so my work load is quite extensive so I feel your stress, heavy workload plus emotional abuse is one of the most exhausting feelings I've ever experienced.

I don't do much about my situation but try to take good care of myself on my days off. I no longer do any work related things on my days off even if it means twice the workload on work days.

Do you have an H.R. Department? I suggest speaking with them they are there for these types of situations.

[still_crazy]

One reason I'm on disability is because being "different" from other people has resulted in hardcore mental abuse at every job I had before disability.

This happens at all strata of jobby jobs, too, so its not as if additional education is a ticket to a blissful work environment for a lot of people.

Sorry this is happening. I'm glad you have a support network.

[beigeish]

Originally Posted by still_crazy

One reason I'm on disability is because being "different" from other people has resulted in hardcore mental abuse at every job I had before disability.

This happens at all strata of jobby jobs, too, so its not as if additional education is a ticket to a blissful work environment for a lot of people.

Sorry this is happening. I'm glad you have a support network.

I understand that completely. I have a degree and I'm in a management position, and I fought really hard to get there, which is why I'm so hesitant to leave the company. It's a ****** situation and I'm learning that awful people will exist and be hurtful so they can feel powerful or in control or whatever. It's just such a bad feeling of anxiety.

[crunchyt]

Originally Posted by beigeish

Hi All,

After several (okay, maybe a half a dozen) sessions with my therapist focused on my growing dislike for work and consuming anxiety around it and countless conversations with my husband about poor treatment there...I've finally accepted the fact that my boss is emotionally abusive.

I fancy myself to be a strong person, so admitting that someone could bring me down with their words and treatment of me was really difficult. But it all ****ing fits. From the emotionally needy beginning to the sensitivity and lack of boundaries to the absolute **** that comes next, then the cycle repeats.

After going through this for months, I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm on the verge of quitting, but I've been with this company for years and climbed the ladder to a position where I know I could be happy if I could just shake off the constant ******** I have to go through.

For example, he knows that I am busy. Crushed. Staying late everyday, I can never afford to take a lunch, stress is awful, (writing this post will set me back quite a bit). But even still, he thew another project at me last week. Further-- something he was tasked with. Then asks me to complete it by the end of the week. I got it to him by Wednesday evening so if it needed revisions, I could complete them on time, but to this day, he still hasn't even looked at it. I busted my *** to get it done and he didn't even need it.

I have the stomach flu and needed to work from home today (nope- can't take a day off to try to get better). So I e-mailed this morning and let him know. I don't get an e-mail back with a "feel better", or even just an "ok". I get nothing. And this is consistent. And it's not innocent or forgetful. So there goes the anxiety again; and knows it.

I'm at a loss for how to handle this and feel like I'm at my breaking point... Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I've been through this and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Here is what you should do: read everything about bullying/harassment. Document everything. I never did anything and ended up at a breaking point and walked away. So glad I did.

Do you have a higher up person? It's recommended to go through the chain of command. I'd request a meeting with them so this is DOCUMENTED. Explain what is happening. This is where reading about harassment comes in. I had no idea so much of what was happening to me was harassment. Now I see it. She left me lots of little notes...she hooked up with someone else who started to also harass me.

I am sorry

[beigeish]

Originally Posted by crunchyt

I've been through this and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Here is what you should do: read everything about bullying/harassment. Document everything. I never did anything and ended up at a breaking point and walked away. So glad I did.

Do you have a higher up person? It's recommended to go through the chain of command. I'd request a meeting with them so this is DOCUMENTED. Explain what is happening. This is where reading about harassment comes in. I had no idea so much of what was happening to me was harassment. Now I see it. She left me lots of little notes...she hooked up with someone else who started to also harass me.

I am sorry

Thank you for this. You're right about documenting things because I've realized that it's not always individual actions (though sometimes it is), but often it's the combination of smaller actions or words that makes up the abuse.

The problem with the chain-of-command is that I can't trust his superior, nor can I trust HR. It would all come rolling back down the hill to him and inevitably make things worse for me. I've seen the company work this way before and it's incredibly frustrating. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation-- or that I just can't see the right solution

[misscath007]

I dealt with a bully of a coworker several years ago. I complained to my immediate superior who did nothing about it. Then I contacted HR, and they also did nothing. I ended up quitting without another job. It was either lose my mind or my job. I slid into a horrible depression after that.

You need to do what is good for you. If it were me, I would quit.

[crunchyt]

Originally Posted by beigeish

Thank you for this. You're right about documenting things because I've realized that it's not always individual actions (though sometimes it is), but often it's the combination of smaller actions or words that makes up the abuse.

The problem with the chain-of-command is that I can't trust his superior, nor can I trust HR. It would all come rolling back down the hill to him and inevitably make things worse for me. I've seen the company work this way before and it's incredibly frustrating. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation-- or that I just can't see the right solution

I understand about it snowballing back to you. I would still keep a log of things. Things as little as leaving you notes can be harassment. I had no idea about this. My supervisor would leave me notes because she was as bully and too *****y to confront me over these TINY little things.

I'm sorry. It sucks to work for/with someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for them.

[CANDC]

beigeish, I am sorry you are in such a tough situation. I really think you are thinking along lines that make sense to me. Keep the job and deal with the situation the best you can.

I worked a stressful job for a long time. It was a grind but I set up a series of routines that helped me. Not sure what routines would help you but here is what worked for me.

Mindfulness following my breath and restoring some calm to start the day
High protein low carb breakfast so I have enough energy to get through till mid morning
Do exercises to lower stress levels either before leaving for work or after arriving at work early because of traffic
Get to work 15 minutes early so I do not feel stressed starting work and gives me time to plan my day and the next few days.
Mid morning, have plain yogurt, tofu or some kind of high protein low carb snack. Helps me get over that anxiety that arises from deadlines.
Lunch high protein low carb lunch AWAY from my desk and preferably out of office.
Nap in car 20 minutes. Set loud alarms so do not sleep too long. If not nap just relax in the car and get away from office.
Mid afternoon, another snack like in the morning
Try to go home at or near official end of day. I can only do so much.
Good supper when I get home.
Something fun or relaxing.
Before sleeping have 15 minutes of quiet time and try to be present and not thinking about work.
Get 8 hours of sleep or as much as possible to relieve stress and anxiety

It was all about finding a way that I could survive harsh conditions and inconsiderate people. I had to get back some of the control of my life and the routine helped me do that.

Another part of my routine was to follow my heart's secret longing on weekends after I did the shopping and stuff.

There are no magic wands but coping with the situation and having income may be preferable over quitting and not knowing where the rent is coming from.

A therapist helped too. All the best to you in finding the things that help keep you from sinking into the mire of work.

[beigeish]

Crunchy, I honestly couldn't relate more! Most of the awful things are text. E-mail, IM, etc... In person things are generally normal. He's a coward, but still manages to have control over me. And that fact makes me feel even worse. Ugh.

CANDC, Thank you so much for advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. I think the routine would be helpful, it just kills me that I have to bend over backwards to mold my life around his bad behavior. Once I get over that, I think I'll feel better. I just hate feeling like a victim; I want to feel stronger than that. I've never seen bipolar as a disability, but I suppose dealing with my own **** feels a lot different than having a reduced ability to cope with other people's ****.

[Standup2me]

I am going through much of the same thing at work. My boss will dump his work on me, and then leave (and go where??? who knows) for hours.
It is a terrible thing to say, but I quit caring (easy to say, hard to do).
I've always done "my job", so there are no grounds for termination.
The not caring part is really hard to do though

[crunchyt]

Originally Posted by beigeish

Crunchy, I honestly couldn't relate more! Most of the awful things are text. E-mail, IM, etc... In person things are generally normal. He's a coward, but still manages to have control over me. And that fact makes me feel even worse. Ugh.

CANDC, Thank you so much for advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. I think the routine would be helpful, it just kills me that I have to bend over backwards to mold my life around his bad behavior. Once I get over that, I think I'll feel better. I just hate feeling like a victim; I want to feel stronger than that. I've never seen bipolar as a disability, but I suppose dealing with my own **** feels a lot different than having a reduced ability to cope with other people's ****.

Beigy, I'd save all the emails. It's your proof in case you ever need it. Ugh. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do completely understand

[crunchyt]

Originally Posted by beigeish

Crunchy, I honestly couldn't relate more! Most of the awful things are text. E-mail, IM, etc... In person things are generally normal. He's a coward, but still manages to have control over me. And that fact makes me feel even worse. Ugh.

CANDC, Thank you so much for advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. I think the routine would be helpful, it just kills me that I have to bend over backwards to mold my life around his bad behavior. Once I get over that, I think I'll feel better. I just hate feeling like a victim; I want to feel stronger than that. I've never seen bipolar as a disability, but I suppose dealing with my own **** feels a lot different than having a reduced ability to cope with other people's ****.

Originally Posted by crunchyt

Beigy, I'd save all the emails. It's your proof in case you ever need it. Ugh. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do completely understand

and especially texts. That is SO rude besides the harassment side of things.