Does anyone else get quite upset by extreme, accusative rudeness? This guy called me from a local choir because I asked for a refund. He said, "This is DOCTOR so and so, artistic director for the ...choir." Who cares if he's a doctor? Like any other professional musician, he could say he's the artistic director. DOCTOR is self aggrandizing, don't you think? I had found out that the choir was going to be singing from the balcony in the back of the auditorium, and the only thing the audience would see for about 2+ hours is the soloist! I wrote that I thought this was deceptive, that I wanted to see the choir, and did not come to see the soloist on stage the whole time. Something like that, is what I wrote. So this guy on the phone was very hostile, and has ordered me never to come "to another one of our concerts." All I said in my email was the it was deceptive to not allow the audience to see the choir. Poor guy -- he said I was disrespectful. I said I didn't want to argue, but it was disrespectful for the choir to be in the balcony.

I was amazed. NO other venue has ever treated me this way. They ASK for feedback, thank me for it, and say, for instance, if I didn't like a play, that they are sorry it didn't work for me, but that they hope will come to another production. I have also told one theatre company that their stage is too hard to see. That one's stage is very, very long and narrow. If you sit at one end, you can't see the action. If you sit in the middle, you have to turn your head back and forth constantly. I told them that, too. No aggression from them, either.

This "doctor" is prickly as all get out. Maybe he feels superior because he is a doctor and an artistic director. And I am just a lowly audience member (paying!!) who doesn't like something he's doing. (As th e artistic director, I feel sure it’s HIS decision to put the choir in the balcony!)

So anyway I'm stewing, up and down today. I'm slowing down in my rage, but rudeness is a BIG trigger for me, esp. if I'm being blamed for something I did not do. I've been stable for 17 days. This is Day 18,and I don't like spoiling my record!!

Is anyone else triggered by rudeness??? If so, how to you handle it? I no longer snap or yell back – I may state my case briefly like I did here. Any other solutions I can do for myself?

















































































































































































































































































































Does anyone else get quite upset by extreme, accusative rudeness? This guy called me from a local choir because I asked for a refund. He said, "This is DOCTOR so and so, artistic director for the ...choir." Who cares if he's a doctor? Like any other professional musician, he could say he's the artistic director. DOCTOR is self aggrandizing, don't you think? I had found out that the choir was going to be singing from the balcony in the back of the auditorium, and the only thing the audience would see for about 2+ hours is the soloist! I wrote that I thought this was deceptive, that I wanted to see the choir, and did not come to see the soloist on stage the whole time. Something like that, is what I wrote. So this guy on the phone was very hostile, and has ordered me never to come "to another one of our concerts." All I said in my email was the it was deceptive to not allow the audience to see the choir. Poor guy -- he said I was disrespectful. I said I didn't want to argue, but it was disrespectful for the choir to be in the balcony.

I was amazed. NO other venue has ever treated me this way. They ASK for feedback, thank me for it, and say, for instance, if I didn't like a play, that they are sorry it didn't work for me, but that they hope will come to another production. I have also told one theatre company that their stage is too hard to see. That one's stage is very, very long and narrow. If you sit at one end, you can't see the action. If you sit in the middle, you have to turn your head back and forth constantly. I told them that, too. No aggression from them, either.

This "doctor" is prickly as all get out. Maybe he feels superior because he is a doctor and an artistic director. And I am just a lowly audience member (paying!!) who doesn't like something he's doing. (As th e artistic director, I feel sure it’s HIS decision to put the choir in the balcony!)

So anyway I'm stewing, up and down today. I'm slowing down in my rage, but rudeness is a BIG trigger for me, esp. if I'm being blamed for something I did not do. I've been stable for 17 days. This is Day 18,and I don't like spoiling my record!!

Is anyone else triggered by rudeness??? If so, how to you handle it? I no longer snap or yell back – I may state my case briefly like I did here. Any other solutions I can do for myself?

[Wild Coyote]

Sounds like this gentleman was overly defensive, becoming aggressive.
He's very insecure, from my viewpoint. This is a part of why he has to act the way he acts toward your critique. It does sound like he was "out of line."

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Rudeness can be a trigger for me.
I am very careful to be kind and fair; I expect the same from others, which is, sometimes, expecting too much.

I try to see how the other person was not coming from strength, yet was struggling with handling any type of criticism (or perceived criticism). This helps me, often, to see my voicing my viewpoint was just fine.

(((((( HUGS ))))))


WC

Yes he was rude, but honestly, so were you.

It is rather presumptuous of you to ask for a refund and to call them "deceptive" for staging their production in a manner than they see fit. It is not unusual or deceptive for certain choral productions to be staged with the choir in the balcony and soloists up front; in fact, that may be the very way the original composer envisioned his/her work when it was written, particularly in venues such as churches/cathedrals. I've sung choral parts literally from off stage because that is what the music called for. When you buy tickets to a concert, they are yours. If you decide not to go, you can give them to someone else, sell them to someone else, etc., but you don't get refunds. That's not how it works.

Secondly, I do not find someone with a doctorate in their profession self-aggrandizing if they wish to use the title they earned through years of education and work. Getting a doctorate in music is no small feat, and most doctorate level musicians I know off (and I know many) do use their title.

[Naynay99]

I get upset by rudeness too.

But with how hard I worked just to get my MS, if I had gone on for the PhD I would introduce myself to everyone I met as "doctor".... it is a title one does work very hard for!

I know when I get frustrated snd feel like someone isn't treating me fairly that I can get caught up in it sometimes. But getting so upset never really does much except make me feel worse afterwards.

Take care.

Dear Wild Coyote, Thanks for your important insights. Everything you write about rudeness is SO TRUE!!! You are doing well by recognizing that the person is insecure, which is why they lash out. I'm not "there" yet. Like you, This is all true for me too, what you wrote, "I am very careful to be kind and fair; I expect the same from others, which is, sometimes, expecting too much." I get it completely about expecting to be treated kindly. Then, when a person lashes out, it's a shock. I've been known to lash out, especially when I think someone is incompetent at their job. I KNOW that it was just that they were not given proper training! So I usually realize this and don't attack the low person on the totem pole. But one time I had arranged for my musician friends and myself to do a jam session at this coffee house. I always arrived early. I told the Barista that I was there for the music. He replied defensively! He said "There's...no... music...tonight!" My initial response was okay -- I just said, "But there is, there is. Andrew (the supervisor) has it all set up." Then the barista went away and when he got back, he said roughly, "It's not in the calendar!!!" I don't remember exactly what I said or did, but I was rude, that's for sure. Oh yeah -- here's part of what I said: We ARE going to play music tonight and WE WILL." I did call another musician that was coming, and "cried" on her shoulder on the phone. I was shaking and upset. She listened, then gently said, "If you talk that way to someone working at a venue, the whole group will get a bad reputation, and nobody would want us to play there!" ' Wow. That sure was an eye opener for me! I apologized to the barista. He had been trying to get the owner or manager on the phone without success. But he said we could go on and play anyway, so it all worked out ok.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Sounds like this gentleman was overly defensive, becoming aggressive.
He's very insecure, from my viewpoint. This is a part of why he has to act the way he acts toward your critique. It does sound like he was "out of line."

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Rudeness can be a trigger for me.
I am very careful to be kind and fair; I expect the same from others, which is, sometimes, expecting too much.

I try to see how the other person was not coming from strength, yet was struggling with handling any type of criticism (or perceived criticism). This helps me, often, to see my voicing my viewpoint was just fine.

(((((( HUGS ))))))


WC

Dear Naynay99 and lolagrace, I respect your feedback. Thanks. Regarding advanced degrees, I rarely sign the master's degree in Education that I have, because I feel like I am boasting. But that's just me, I know. I only use it in situations where I am presenting myself as an expert. I get letters to the editor of our paper very frequently -- maybe 7 in the last 6 months. Sometimes I sign my degree initials, if I am writing about education, but even when I do, the paper leaves them off.

That's interesting about some composers putting the choir off-sight. Would that ever be for an actual choir concert -- have you had experience of being in an off-stage for a choir concert? If so, I will happily stand corrected. That happens in theatre productions (plays, etc) There was only one occasion in my long experience in choirs, where the choir was in the balcony -- but we were also up front. It was in a chapel. There were two choirs, five parts in each one -- totaling 10 parts. So one choir was in the front of the chapel, the other one was in the balcony. I wish I could have heard the effect for the audience! It must've been gorgeous. Every other choir concert I was in, we were visible on the stage.

[Plastic Fork]

Snappy comebacks for "I'm a Doctor."

"Oh good, let me tell you about my gal bladder."
"Let me give you a hint, there is no need to point out the obvious."
"I know, I got a flyer in the mail that you were coming."
"So you are an expert in only one thing."
"I once got a gold star for drawing a monkey in second grade."
"Oh, is someone sick?"
"Proctologist?"
"Yes you are and that's why you were invited."
"Do you know Dr. Phil?"
"You must be really smart."
"Did they waive your entrance fees to get in here?"
"Can I use you as a reference?"
"Yeah, I saw your name on the restroom wall."
and...

So doctorates in any other field but medicine don't count? Completely disagree.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

So doctorates in any other field but medicine don't count? Completely disagree.

So true, lolagrace! When someone has the title Doctor, many people assume s/he is a medical doctor. It's like a medical doctor has more status,and I guess s/he does, because the medical doctor holds health, and life and death in her or his hands. I had an old man friend once who had worked to help build ships. He told me that shipbuilders deserved to be regarded, and deserved to be seen with the same status as medical doctors because shipbuilders, too, hold the life and death over the people who ride on the ships. The same is now true of airplanes. Too bad such wonderful "blue collar" skilled technicians and builders are not given their recognition, either.

[Plastic Fork]

Very good points. It was simply humor shared at the wrong time with the wrong people. Today it is hard to know who truly has done the work and who hasn't. Often today, the word Doctor is used to intimidate and that is the sad part of it.

Curious, but don't the shipbuilders have a guild? I know the stone carvers do. Recognition for a job well done and no doubt well deserved.

Perhaps the Christian God summed it up in the story of Moses and the burning bush, by simply saying "I am."