[wildflowerchild25]

So back in February we had unseasonably warm weather. This set off a very mild hypomania. I got it in my head that I should quit my post baccalaureate program and apply for my master's degree instead. My reasoning was sound: I hate school but I have to do it for my job, so I might as well get something useful out of it. I've always wanted my master's. I will be eligible for more financial aid and grants and tuition reimbursement. And I'll end up getting paid more (to the tune of $5000 per year). So why not? Can't be much harder, right?

So that's what I did. And then of course I crashed from the hypo into severe anxiety (very mild depression). And I began doubting that decision.

Well I got my acceptance email on Tuesday. I'm officially accepted into the online master's program. Now I'm freaking out a little bit. I'm so scared I won't be able to hack it. I did well in my post bacc classes because they were easy but I'm not sure master's level classes will be as easy. In fact I'm sure they won't be. And I have to write a thesis wherein I have to craft an original research question AND design a study. That sounds like it involves a lot of talking to other people and that my social anxiety is going to be majorly triggered.

Was I stupid for going for my master's? I've had a year stable with infrequent, minor episodes. If any time is a good time, it's now. I'm just...ugh I just worry I can't do it. If I fail I'm going to hate myself.

But honestly I'm good at academia. I had a 3.85 graduating gpa in undergrad. And that was with being pregnant during my senior year and giving birth and doing my student teaching with a newborn at home. But I also wasn't having bipolar symptoms. I was in remission. And I guess I could have another long term remission. But what if I don't?

I guess the only thing to do is go for it and if I fail to back to my post bacc program. I really really love teaching special education and I know this is where I want to spend my career. So I have to go to school anyway to get my certification, whether it's post bacc or master's. and with a master's I might actually make enough to move out of my mom's house and into my own place. Lord knows I don't now!

Ugh. I've always struggled with self doubt. I never think I'm capable of anything even when Ive proven myself wrong.

[Nammu]

I think the trick is making anxiety work for you. Anxiety is a normal thing and it keeps on on our toes. You can do this.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you nammu. I think I can do it. As long as I stay stable! I might be trying a new med in June so we will see how that goes.

[Wild Coyote]

You are understandably a bit anxious about your ability to succeed; however, you were brave enough to step up.

I think you will find this very rewarding!

What's the worst that could happen?
What's the best that could happen?

Give it a shot!
I think you'll be glad you did!



WC

[~Christina]

I think you can do it !

Will it be a walk in the park ? No

Will you doubt yourself? Yes

Will you have shifts in mood ? Yes

You have gone through hell but you have done everything you needed to and wanted to I bet, you're far stronger than you could ever believe. I admire you.

You got this !

[Unrigged64072835]

Congratulations! Yeah, it's going to be some work but you can do this. Don't focus on the "what ifs". You're good to go now.

Good job! You have thought this through. Stay aware of your anxiety and depression and continue to handle them smartly--ei: observe your feelings and think about how to overcome the ups and downs you have. I have a master's degree. Yes, the thesis is a big project but not to bad if you break it into steps and then get started. Getting started is key. The actual master's degree classes are usually not any harder than undergraduate classes. Good luck....

[CherryGlazer]

Hey that's really brave!

I can relate to alot of stuff you've said. I have taken slow steps over the course of a few years to take on more, but every time my stability teeters and I re-experience symptoms i get paranoid. I stick with it thought - and somehow still get through.

Honestly I think it's better to go after what you want most and fail, than have it easier in life but not get the chance to be involved in the things you care about most.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My mom is an education professor. She has taught both graduate classes and undergraduate and honestly in the program where she teaches there isn't a ton of difference (if any in some classes) between master's level and certificate level.

I know it's not going to be easy but it is something to be so proud of when you finish and you've been doing so well with stability for quite a while that I think you can trust yourself.

And when it is stressful there is always support here for you.