[Jay Jacks]

Hi all,

Looking for a bit of advice really, on how to move forward....

Here's my story - (Sorry if it's a bit of a long read)

I'd always lived a fairly 'normal' life, with no health issues at all - just a pretty laid back guy, who enjoyed life.

Back in 2007, at the age of 23, I went on a two week partying holiday with some friends and around half way through, I began to become quite 'manic', which I had no idea of at the time. I began to feel euphoric and inspired, with little need for sleep and had a whole new outlook on life, as my entire personality began to change, which led to delusions of grandeur.

Upon arriving home, my behaviour was so 'out there' that my mother was deeply concerned and tried, but failed, to get me help. I eventually admitted that I felt like I'd been given a spiritual gift, with the power to 'heal' and became aggressive towards her, when she denied my claim. This was enough to get me sectioned and I spent 28 days in a closed psychiatric ward.

I was initially diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder, but after making a full recovery over the next couple of months, with no further symptoms, I was told that I had been misdiagnosed and was now noted as simply having a one off 'single manic episode'....

I was weened off my medication completely within 6 months and remained totally stable for 9 years.

I quickly returned to my normal life and didn't look back. My episode from 2007 had become a distant memory and something quite unexplained and bizarre.

As the years went by, I became less and less concerned that anything similar would happen again. Fast forward to 2016....

2016

Life was going great and I'd been with my company for over 3 years - I applied for a promotional role, internally, with a large salary increase and after a great interview, I was offered the job. Great news.

The day before I was due to start, this job offer was reversed and I was told to return to my former role, in what appeared to be a serious breach of contract. This would result in a large chain of stressful events, that would result in grievances against my employer, seeking legal advice, lots of time off, with work related stress and a four month investigation procedure.

After several months of fighting my corner, the company eventually agreed to settle out of court, but before a severance package could be agreed, my well being and mental health had begun to take a turn for the worse, which would delay proceedings....

The case was full of conspiracies and wrong doing, but as I became obsessed with fighting for justice and gaining a 'fair' pay off amount, I gradually started to lose touch with reality, as my theories became more and more dark and extravagant.

I began to believe that managers had been stalking my emails at work and telling others how to behave towards me - I started to believe that my line mangers were evil and were being bribed in to making my life a misery from the number one boss, who had been conducting sick 'people experiments' in the work place, by manipulating their sense of reality...

Things escalated further, as I started to believe my whole life was simply one big conspiracy and I'd been living in some sort of 'Truman Show' style experiment. My reality didn't seem real anymore, as I struggled to come to terms with how stressful my life had become.

After an aggressive outburst towards my mother, once again, for not believing my theories, I was once again sectioned under the mental health act, but would only spend 10 days in hospital this time, after getting myself legal aid and discharged.

I wasn't diagnosed with any disorder, but was given anti psychotic medication to take, which I briefly took for a month of so after my discharge - as I had to attend a quick daily morning chat with my care team, to prove I was taking them.

As soon as they discharged from the care team, I decided to secretly stop taking them, as I feared they were making me more hyper and I didn't want to go down the guinea pig route of trial and error, with different combos.

I maintained the illusion, to my doctor and family, that I was still taking them, for the next few months and was commended on making a full recovery. Their answer was that the medication was working wonders, although I wasn't even taking it and was actually hiding my true feelings.

During this time, I was still having some extremely delusional thoughts and theories and began to truly believe I was living in some sort of Matrix, or simulated reality, as strange things were happening to me on a daily basis. I believed I was some how connected with the sun and had a strange electrical pulse running through my body, which I believed others could feel - and had treble the energy of a normal person. However, I knew that I had to keep these theories a secret from all around me and act as normal as I could.

After finally receiving a fairly large payout from my company, I decided to go on an extended holiday and visit some tourist hot spots. Being away from it all did me the world of good. My delusions would eventually begin to fade and by the time I returned home, after a month, they were pretty much gone, as I finally realised that my mind and imagination had totally run away with itself. I felt rather embarrassed about it all, but was glad to be back in 'reality' again, thinking clearly.

My family and doctor praised the medication as the reason for my full recovery, so I'd finally admit that I'd stopped taking them many months ago and had got better without them. They were both rather annoyed that I'd lied, but were still pleased to see me healthy and well.

Fast forward to the present day.

These events were nearly a year ago and I've been fully stable ever since, but do have some serious concerns about my future...

The doctors offered no diagnosis and gave little explanation as to why this second episode occurred, other than 'stress'. What worries me even further, is that my first episode, in 2007, came at a time when my life was going well, with no reasonable explanation.

Although I'm grateful to not be suffering with a long term condition, I worry that my mind could 'break' again at any time and worry about entering new relationships, or having children, or getting too comfortable with my life.

A part of me feels angry that the doctors haven't diagnosed me with something, or set me up with a clear plan to stay well, as the 'mystery' element of it all sticks in the back of my mind.

How do I move forward and truly forget about the past?

Although I'm not depressed, I've somewhat lost a bit of my 'mojo' as I feel concerned for my future and rather fed up of having to fight against bad luck all the time.

Any words of advice appreciated

[jacky8807]

hey there
sounds like bipolar to me. You just happen to be in the category that has long periods of wellness in between episodes.
literature reports to us that many people come out of episodes on their own without the help of meds. Everyone is different.

I would monitor your moods when you start to notice warning signs. Perhaps have an as needed med to bring you down when you are headed manic. Keep stress low and make sure you sleep.

Welcome to PC!

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC!
Please make yourself at home here.

Jacky gave great advice. I agree with her. I have nothing to add at this time.


WC

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Jacky. Do you have a pdoc that you see when you are manic or are you being treated by different individuals whenever you are sectioned to the mental hospital? You could make an appointment to see a specific pdoc, explain the situation and see if there is a medication that you can take as needed.

[Jay Jacks]

Thanks guys - I wasn't aware that people with Bipolar could remain stable, for a period of nearly 10 years, without any medication, so this is definitely an eye opener and food for thought.

I wonder why the doctors never mentioned the prospect of Bipolar after my second episode last year? Sometimes I wish they would have just diagnosed me with it, or something else, as at least I'd know what I was dealing with and could learn to accept it.

They didn't even seem to label my ordeal as a 'manic episode' and seemed to think that extreme stress and smoking weed had caused my mind to start misinterpreting reality and become delusional. I felt like a manic episode to me though, as all the classic signs were there.

My short term goals are to find a new career, that is fulfilling and will hopefully build my confidence back off and take my mind off last years events. I'm currently on the 'reserve list' for a work coach role, that I passed the assesment for, so fingers crossed I get an offer soon.

[Jay Jacks]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I agree with Jacky. Do you have a pdoc that you see when you are manic or are you being treated by different individuals whenever you are sectioned to the mental hospital? You could make an appointment to see a specific pdoc, explain the situation and see if there is a medication that you can take as needed.

Hey - as mentioned, it's only been two occasions in my entire lifetime that I've experienced an issue with my health. Once nearly 10 years ago during a partying holiday and once last year, due to extreme work related stress. I lost touch with my Pdoc after 2007's events, so saw somebody new last year, in 2016.

I have a number for the crisis care team in my local area, should any issues ever arise again in the future.

I have no worries about my mental health right now, as frequent highs and lows are not something I have to deal with, fortunately - but as mentioned in my opening post - I'm finding it hard to truly move on from last years events.

Without a professional diagnosis, I'm left to just assume that my brain is prone to mental health attacks, under certain circumstances. I guess all I can do is continue to live a healthy lifestyle and avoid any potential triggers, such as extremely stressful jobs.

[Gabyunbound]

I agree that it would be a good idea to get a medication to take as needed; that way as you just start feeling like you're heading towards mania (before you're entirely delusional) you can take it and hopefully come down.

I would also try to get a second opinion in order to get a diagnosis; symptoms help inform treatment, but I think that -long term- a diagnosis would be helpful for your treatment.

My pdoc told me once (and she specializes in BP) that she has patients who go for 10 years without an episode, so you're not alone in having long periods of health between episodes.

This is assuming you have BP, but I would really get a second opinion from a pdoc who is willing to give you a diagnosis.

[Plastic Fork]

Curious as to what "Mojo" is to you?

Some of the personality disorders overlap.

[Jay Jacks]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I agree that it would be a good idea to get a medication to take as needed; that way as you just start feeling like you're heading towards mania (before you're entirely delusional) you can take it and hopefully come down.

I would also try to get a second opinion in order to get a diagnosis; symptoms help inform treatment, but I think that -long term- a diagnosis would be helpful for your treatment.

My pdoc told me once (and she specializes in BP) that she has patients who go for 10 years without an episode, so you're not alone in having long periods of health between episodes.

This is assuming you have BP, but I would really get a second opinion from a pdoc who is willing to give you a diagnosis.

Hey Gaby - many thanks for your response.

I think a second opinion is a good idea and although I'm not a big fan of medication, personally, as I feel it never really helped my situation before, I'd be open to keeping something handy, in case the warning signs should ever arise.

The trouble is, on the second occasion last year, my mother tried to warn me, during my case at work, which she was helping out with, that she was worried about my well being, as I appeared to be becoming obsessed and all consumed, by my crusade against my employer - but I wouldn't listen and managed to convince her that everything I was doing was right and normal, as I truly believed it was.

I've now promised to trust hers and my families judgement in future and have agreed that if they ever approach me, with a serious concern, that I'll immediately agree to have a chat with the local crisis intervention team, who will evaluate the situation and act accordingly. They have my file and all the information of my two previous episodes.

[Jay Jacks]

Originally Posted by Plastic Fork

Curious as to what "Mojo" is to you?

Cheeky charm, spring in my step, confidence - that sort of thing.

I've always been a happy go lucky guy, both before and after the first incident in 2007.

It's only now, since the second incident last year, that my confidence has taken a bit of a hit. I'm sure it will rebuild in time.

[Cocosurviving]

I hope things get better going forward.

[Moose72]

Welcome to PC! And The Bipolar Board!

Thanks for your story. I think you need a regular Pdoc and psych meds - get those two smoothed out and things will be less bumpy.

[Jay Jacks]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Welcome to PC! And The Bipolar Board!

Thanks for your story. I think you need a regular Pdoc and psych meds - get those two smoothed out and things will be less bumpy.

Hello - thanks for the welcome!

I have to disagree though - I was stable for 9 years, without psych meds and have been stable once again, since my last episode, without them.

I'd rather not put that stuff in my body unless I have to - also, as mentioned in my post, the psych meds did not work during my last episode. Infact, I felt they were making me worse. It's only after I stopped taking them and booked a relaxing and pleasurable holiday, that I finally began to wind down and start thinking rationally again.

Everybody is different and I'm sure medication works wonders for some and not so well for others.

[Plastic Fork]

Is there a catalyst, so to speak?

For me it's money. Quite often, how much I have available defines my mood. If I have an abundance, my confidence increases and I have the feeling that I can conquer the world, my mood elevates. When I'm low on funds I actually experience a bit of a depression and a feeling of wanting to get back to that high.

If you look at Mojo as a high, so to speak, what inspires that? Sometimes it is hard to identify. Just sit back and think about it. What is going on in your life that is associated with the emotion as compared to the lack of the emotion?

[bioChE]

If you're not experiencing symptoms and aren't looking for meds as an answer, then a psychiatrist and/or diagnosis isn't going to be of much use to you. If you just need to talk it over and have someone to give you a reality check now and again (not your family), then it would probably benefit you to get acquainted with a therapist. Good therapists can spot mood episodes a mile away, and know how to ask the right background questions. They can also assist by recommending if/when you need to see a psychiatrist. If you see them regularly, at least for a while, they can get to know you and your personality. IMHO this would be your best route.

You already know that if you head straight to a psychiatrist you're likely to come away with a diagnosis and a prescription.

[Jay Jacks]

Originally Posted by Plastic Fork

Is there a catalyst, so to speak?

For me it's money. Quite often, how much I have available defines my mood. If I have an abundance, my confidence increases and I have the feeling that I can conquer the world, my mood elevates. When I'm low on funds I actually experience a bit of a depression and a feeling of wanting to get back to that high.

If you look at Mojo as a high, so to speak, what inspires that? Sometimes it is hard to identify. Just sit back and think about it. What is going on in your life that is associated with the emotion as compared to the lack of the emotion?

Touche - this is very similar to me.

If I'm defining my 'mojo' as the qualities of me at my best, I look back on times where I was financially stable, in peak physical condition, hitting the gym 5-6 times a week, working towards clear goals in all aspects of my life, with a large social circle, where I'm that guy that girls want to sleep with and men want to have a beer with. This has been me, through several times in my life.

My incident last year has been a serious blow to my self esteem and I've wasted a lot of time this year, doing very little with my time and surviving on far less money than I'm used to, or happy with, as I haven't managed to find a secure job offer yet.

Something has been stopping me from putting in the effort needed, to make the positive changes in my life, that I know I need to make. I've become lazy, but I think it's time to do something about it.....

[Jay Jacks]

Originally Posted by bioChE

If you're not experiencing symptoms and aren't looking for meds as an answer, then a psychiatrist and/or diagnosis isn't going to be of much use to you. If you just need to talk it over and have someone to give you a reality check now and again (not your family), then it would probably benefit you to get acquainted with a therapist. Good therapists can spot mood episodes a mile away, and know how to ask the right background questions. They can also assist by recommending if/when you need to see a psychiatrist. If you see them regularly, at least for a while, they can get to know you and your personality. IMHO this would be your best route.

You already know that if you head straight to a psychiatrist you're likely to come away with a diagnosis and a prescription.

Thanks for your post - you've nailed it. A therapist is exactly what I think I could do with right now. Someone to have an honest and frank conversation with about what I've been through and help put things into perspective.

Family members seem to become uncomfortable with any talk about either of my episodes, as it brings back sad memories for them too, so I choose to pretend it never happened most of the time, as do they. I have a best friend who will listen and entertain it, with moderate empathy, but can rarely offer any valid advice, or inspiration, other than 'forget about it' and 'move on swiftly'.

I think I'll start having look for therapists in my area

[Unrigged64072835]

It sounds like you could use a therapist to help you get through your setback. Maybe one who does cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), who can work with you on getting your self-esteem back by countering the negative thoughts you have now.

You also should know that losing a job is a loss, and you may be grieving for what you had. It's okay and you'll get through it. A therapist would help with that too.

[Plastic Fork]

Jay Jacks,
I am definitely Bipolar with all the classic symptoms. I respond well to medication and actually have a savings account, lol.

To understand Bipolar I actually researched NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) The two disorders parallel with many of the same symptoms. I was amazed at how much denial I had.

Looks like you have received some great advice here and I hope that you continue to pursue your answers. Remember to be kind to yourself.