[debinpgh]

My SIL is bipolar and when she is manic it's very stressing. She fixates on a topic and says and does things to inflame the situation. She'll just go on and on about a subject even though we've all told her "we get it". She then pulls out the mental illness guilt example: I'm mentally ill, but nobody cares, they only care about people who have this or that, etc...When I or we tell her "enough already, stop" she goes ballistic and starts threatening and saying how much she hates us and/or me, and accuses us of "yelling at her" and then she starts lashing out at everyone who tries to intervene, etc...etc...I am the one she turns her verbal anger on and although I know I shouldn't I do just really get her riled and dish the verbal lashing back in her direction until I've had enough. I usually end up laughing at her and walk away, but now she has so much hatred and animosity I don't know what to do for the greater good of the entire family. I've tried for years to keep the peace, play nice and be the diffuser of her wrath. I'm tired of being her so-called punching bag and I'm tired of the drama and anxiety she causes. What should I do?

[5150DirtDiva]

Welcome to Psychcentral.

Why are you allowing your SIL to use you as a verbal punching bag? I used to get really upset about certain things my husband did/said, now when he is being poopy to me I ignore it. I know confronting it will just start a fight. I grit my teeth and clench my fists often. You need to talk yourself out of the confrontation, it just is not worth it.

Also, this is so contradictory; "I usually end up laughing at her and walk away, but now she has so much hatred and animosity I don't know what to do for the greater good of the entire family. I've tried for years to keep the peace, play nice and be the diffuser (sic) of her wrath."

Which is it? Do you antagonize her or try to keep the peace? From what I can tell you are not keeping the peace or diffusing anything.

I am sorry she treats you that way though. Being bipolar is not an excuse. Does she live with you are something? I do not understand how she is such a problem for you that you cannot just avoid her antics.

Also IS your SIL bipolar or did YOU diagnose her? It really grinds my gears when people use my illness as a way to cut someone down.

[Sunflower123]

Don't engage if it's possible. Walk away. When she isn't manic have a rational discussion. If you can, don't give her an audience. Maybe get together with your other family members and come up with a game plan for when she is manic. Good luck.

[VernonJenkins]

You've gotten good advice here already and I have none to add, but I wanted to say that I sympathize with your situation and welcome to the site.

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC.

Does your SIL have enough support for her illness? If not, maybe kindly encourage her to see a therapist and/or join a support group.

Honestly, and I mean this with respect, it sounds like the family dynamics aren't as healthy as they could be. This is not all on your SIL.

I'm not sure why you'd feel your walking away while laughing would help in any way, is respectful of another person, or is excusable. Sure, it's probably better than yelling, yet it's still a pretty low blow. This type of a response is going to build anger/hostility, of course.

There are no good excuses for anyone using anyone poorly, no matter the diagnosis or lack thereof.

Can your family sit down as a family and talk this over, while including your SIL? Can your family draw up, discuss, propose some healthy boundaries for all to respect in family exchanges?

You are wise enough to look for some help here. Maybe you can take the lead in turning this around in your family? Maybe you can propose some changes and set an example?

Have you heard of NAMI? They are all over the U.S. and they work with families, offer educational series, offer support groups, etc. I hope they are offering groups in your area, as they might help your family very much.

It is likely your SIL feels very badly for her illness and hurts deeply. She may feel very lonely, very tired of her illness, even suicidal. If you read this forum, you'll see how people with a bipolar diagnosis feel, how they struggle, etc. Reading here may give you a better understanding of your SIL.

I am sure your brother, married to your SIL, is also looking for some healthy support. He needs his family to support him and his wife.

I'm encouraging you to give this all some thought. I think you will benefit from setting some helpful boundaries so you are not drawn into altercations with your SIL. Clearly let her know that you care, yet cannot serve as her punching bag. Stop and think about the message you truly wish to give her, from your heart.

A "family intervention" would likely be helpful, as patterns of behaviors are already in place and are likely not as constructive as they could be -- for everyone. I am not sure a "family intervention" is a reasonable expectation as there aren't many services which help with interventions.

Again, think through the possibilities. What's truly helpful? How does everyone in the family feel accepted, heard and loved? Is it possible?

Again, welcome. You are seeking some important answers. I hope we can help in some way.

Much love to you and to your whole family.
May love prevail.


WC

[debinpgh]

She is 100% diagnosed by quite a few medical professionals and refuses to take her meds on a regular basis because she doesn't like the way it makes her feel. She smokes marijuana and lives next door to me. She has a regular therapist for 20 years who just listens to her vent, she's been hospitalized voluntarily and involuntarily on and off for extended periods of time. She has no friends because she treats them horribly. She will not listen to anybody or accept support when offered. I do laugh at her when she starts with the threats because if I stood there, I'm afraid I would wring her neck inspite of her illness, so laughing and walking away helps me to calm down and remove myself from her. I try to keep the peace because my MIL is very elderly, lives next door and I basically am her caregiver. Her and I are incredibly close (she's more of a mom to me than my own mom (SIL moved in with her two years ago). I take care of her needs, take her to appointments, do shopping, household chores, dinner etc. It's kind of hard to avoid SIL.

Why are you allowing your SIL to use you as a verbal punching bag? I used to get really upset about certain things my husband did/said, now when he is being poopy to me I ignore it. I know confronting it will just start a fight. I grit my teeth and clench my fists often. You need to talk yourself out of the confrontation, it just is not worth it.

Also, this is so contradictory; "I usually end up laughing at her and walk away, but now she has so much hatred and animosity I don't know what to do for the greater good of the entire family. I've tried for years to keep the peace, play nice and be the diffuser (sic) of her wrath."

Which is it? Do you antagonize her or try to keep the peace? From what I can tell you are not keeping the peace or diffusing anything.

I am sorry she treats you that way though. Being bipolar is not an excuse. Does she live with you are something? I do not understand how she is such a problem for you that you cannot just avoid her antics.

Also IS your SIL bipolar or did YOU diagnose her? It really grinds my gears when people use my illness as a way to cut someone down.[/QUOTE]

[debinpgh]

Originally Posted by debinpgh

My SIL is bipolar and when she is manic it's very stressing. She fixates on a topic and says and does things to inflame the situation. She'll just go on and on about a subject even though we've all told her "we get it". She then pulls out the mental illness guilt example: I'm mentally ill, but nobody cares, they only care about people who have this or that, etc...When I or we tell her "enough already, stop" she goes ballistic and starts threatening and saying how much she hates us and/or me, and accuses us of "yelling at her" and then she starts lashing out at everyone who tries to intervene, etc...etc...I am the one she turns her verbal anger on and although I know I shouldn't I do just really get her riled and dish the verbal lashing back in her direction until I've had enough. I usually end up laughing at her and walk away, but now she has so much hatred and animosity I don't know what to do for the greater good of the entire family. I've tried for years to keep the peace, play nice and be the diffuser of her wrath. I'm tired of being her so-called punching bag and I'm tired of the drama and anxiety she causes. What should I do?

Thank you all for some great suggestions and possible solutions. I know laughing at her is not the right way to go, but taking my blood pressure, anger and anxiety into overload is the way I cope. Somebody asked if I diagnosed........No, she meets with a therapist (not a psychiatrist) to vent. She refuses to seek therapy and only commits to group therapy and one on one when forced to do so. She has voluntarily committed and has involuntarily been committed many times. She refuses to take her medication as prescribed because she doesn't like the way she feels or says she feels fine. I cannot avoid her because we live next door to each other. She moved back home with my MIL who is elderly and infirmed. I devote much attention to my MIL's needs. MIL depends on me for her appointments, house chores, personal errands, groceries, etc. My husband helps her out, but refuses to be there when his sister is there. Hence, why I cannot avoid her.

I've tried to offer solutions and suggestions to SIL when she is calm and rational. I have advised her that she should not smoke marijuana or drink, to no avail, I've assisted her with routine tasks such as insurance, bill paying etc. Since she has little to no friends because of her illness, I've treated her to fun outings and vacations, but I'm tired of being a doormat now.

I've slowly stopped enabling and permitting her to continue down the path she's on and noticed that now I'm the target of her aggression and anger. I've tried over and over to help her, but it's not wanted, but I cannot completely avoid her nor can I remove myself from the equation.

I will take these suggestions and look into the local support groups in my area. Maybe it will do us all good. Again, thank you all for your suggestions, answers and support. I believe I already knew the answers I was going to get, but needed some affirmation.

[Wild Coyote]

I deeply admire your helping both your MIL and your SIL.

Sounds like you are getting burnt out with the challenges your SIL presents, which is not unusual, especially under the circumstances you've described.

It would be helpful if your SIL took more responsibility for her stability, for sure. I am not sure how anyone can force her to do so, unfortunately.

You might find the family NAMI group helpful.
You have to set some boundaries, for your own welfare.

I can see that your willingness to help your MIL automatically intertwines your life with your SIL.

You are kind-hearted. It is important you take care of yourself, too.

I am sorry your are in such a difficult situation. I hope you find some helpful resolutions.


WC