[Naynay99]

So this sounds stupid but I have no clue how I am feeling anymore.
Every time I start to feel better and think this depression is gone for good something small happens that sets me off. I couldn't find my cheese grater yesterday and I freaked out- screaming and asking the universe "why does EVERYTHING have to be so fuucking hard?!"
Nothing is ever just easy and goes my way. Then I went from screaming to crying and was about to throw all my cheese in the trash or curl up and wait to die or something ridiculous. I know it is totally irrational behavior (and kind of funny in hindsight) but it's like I am feeling stable and pretty okay but I must be balanced on a thin tightrope because a single little thing going wrong destroys me. Ugh.

Sorry if this is post is pointless and self indulgent. I don't even know why I am writing this. Perhaps I just need to rant a little?? It's just my T keeeps saying that i seem better to her, more engaged, than last year but I feel like a dam train wreck.
And for the life of me, I can't figure out which Smiley face emotion to pick for my mood because I feel none of them or all of them or like I can't hold onto any one for long. I don't know what the hell I am trying to say. I am really sick and tired of always being on here and being a mess. I want to be one of those wise forum members who is a voice of reason. I want to be a PC yoda. "Do or do not. There is no try"...

AnywAy its perfectly fine if you decide to skip this post and respond to one of the more Interesting and compellIng ones. I sort of want to delete this all but figure it will soon disappear to page 2 which is sort of the same thing.
If anyone does feel so inclined to read this and respond- have you ever had trouble identifying how you were feeling? What do you to deal with this feeling of uncertainty?

I don't know if I even really want to know. Everything that happens to me is not some symptom or side effect and I hate that I keep trying to explain all of my fuucked upedness in terms of a mood disorder instead of just accepting and dealing with whatever mood or emotion life decides to throw at me.
I just want to feel like me again even if only for a little while... Well no that's a lie- I want to feel good all the time. I am greedy and maybe I want more than my fair share of happiness? Idk.
Life score: Universe 3, naynay 0.5

[19J82]

I had a meeting with the local mental health team recently, and she asked me how I was feeling, and I genuinely had no idea. I said 'I honestly don't know', I felt flat but not empty, neither up nor down, but not in the middle either. She looked at me like I'd just told her I was a walrus made of cheese.
Since my diagnosis I've begun to realise that often I have no idea what my mood is, and that I've mistakenly thought I'm fine when I'm actually far from it. I guess that's the issue with mental health, as a professional you're having to ask someone with a brain disorder to tell you what they feel. You're not guaranteed to get a correct answer. I know I held back on stuff when I was diagnosed because I didn't want to sound like I was crazy, or trying to be crazy. Still ended up with the diagnosis I expected.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by 19J82

I had a meeting with the local mental health team recently, and she asked me how I was feeling, and I genuinely had no idea. I said 'I honestly don't know', I felt flat but not empty, neither up nor down, but not in the middle either. She looked at me like I'd just told her I was a walrus made of cheese.
Since my diagnosis I've begun to realise that often I have no idea what my mood is, and that I've mistakenly thought I'm fine when I'm actually far from it. I guess that's the issue with mental health, as a professional you're having to ask someone with a brain disorder to tell you what they feel. You're not guaranteed to get a correct answer. I know I held back on stuff when I was diagnosed because I didn't want to sound like I was crazy, or trying to be crazy. Still ended up with the diagnosis I expected.

I have found that to be one of the effects of lithium. No real mood just kinda there. It's actually not a bad thing beats a bad manic or depressive episode.

[19J82]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

I have found that to be one of the effects of lithium. No real mood just kinda there. It's actually not a bad thing beats a bad manic or depressive episode.

Ah, that's interesting to hear, I hadn't really factored the Lithium into my thinking, it makes a bit more sense now!

[Naynay99]

Originally Posted by 19J82

Since my diagnosis I've begun to realise that often I have no idea what my mood is, and that I've mistakenly thought I'm fine when I'm actually far from it. I guess that's the issue with mental health, as a professional you're having to ask someone with a brain disorder to tell you what they feel. You're not guaranteed to get a correct answer. I know I held back on stuff when I was diagnosed because I didn't want to sound like I was crazy, or trying to be crazy. Still ended up with the diagnosis I expected.

Hmmm. I guess that makes sense that sometimes our perception of how we are feeing isn't accurate. It just seems weird when asked how you are to say I dont know. But I don't. Then I start wondering if I am just trying really hard to be okay when I am really not or something? Idk.
I just feel all over the place- no that's not exactly right. Jeez- admitting I can't even identify how I am makes me sound crazier than. I think I am...
Anyway thanks- I guess I'm not the only one who doesn't always seem able to put into words how I feel.

That's interesting about the lithium causing that. I don't take lithium so can't blame it on that though! Take it easy.

[19J82]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Hmmm. I guess that makes sense that sometimes our perception of how we are feeing isn't accurate. It just seems weird when asked how you are to say I dont know. But I don't. Then I start wondering if I am just trying really hard to be okay when I am really not or something? Idk.
I just feel all over the place- no that's not exactly right. Jeez- admitting I can't even identify how I am makes me sound crazier than. I think I am...
Anyway thanks- I guess I'm not the only one who doesn't always seem able to put into words how I feel.

That's interesting about the lithium causing that. I don't take lithium so can't blame it on that though! Take it easy.

Haha, that's how I felt when I couldn't answer the question she asked me, crazy for not being able to say how I felt, then I felt stupid for not being able to answer. But you're definitely not alone in feeling like this.

[hahayeahtotallylol]

Yes, i often don't know how i feel. When i get in such moods, i like to go do something. Anything. Cook, listen to music, something to better pinpoint where my mind is at and stimulate it so that it is more readily available to analyze.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.

[Wild Coyote]

Meds can make us feel numb.
Additionally, many of us work hard at denying and covering up what's really going on for us, lest we be "found out." our real feelings can then become all mixed-up.

I hope you can sort yourself out and you feel better soon.


WC

Kicking it back to page one! Why? Because it IS an interesting topic, and something a lot of us struggle with. You are SO not alone in this, Naynay...

Some of it can be chalked up to lack of insight, which is part of the disorder. We may think we're one place, when others can tell we're at another. You will see that a lot here on the boards. People can, say, describe definitely manic behavior they've got going on, but not believe they're manic. We can help each other reality check that way.

Another thing that might be playing into this is trauma. Happy to have someone more knowledgeable chime in on this because I am JUST starting to learn about it and how it affects things. But I *think* it can create reactions that seem bigger or more irrational than they "should" be -- because there is more behind it than what is on the face of it. Maybe one has stuffed down their trauma and it comes out with something like a cheese grater incident. But it's not *about* the cheese grater. And there it is, throwing you for a loop that's not necessarily congruent with with where your overall mood is. That can definitely confuse the issue and make it hard to sort out!

A lot of folks -- though certainly not all -- with BP also have trauma.

Thanks for posting this. I know I've had more than one therapy visit where I couldn't peg how I was feeling. I don't have a lot of advice, I just want you to know you are not alone.

[Daonnachd]

I likely won't help much, but I've reached the point where feeling numb or empty doesn't matter to me anymore. I just plod through life, pursuing whatever sits in front of me without making a big deal about it.

I do understand feeling stupid when asked how I feel, though. Several have mentioned that. I'm with you there.

[Faltering]

I can relate. Every time I'm asked how I feel, I struggle to respond. Fortunately my pdoc can usually pick up on how I'm feeling by my body language. It helps for me to take a more objective approach by describing my behavior. It typically ties into my mood.

[scatterbrained04]

I struggle sometimes to know how I feel. It's pretty hard with all the up and down, or up and down at the same time. Toss some anxiety or personality disorder in there. How are we supposed to keep tabs on that!?? My favorite is the feeling of just being "off". Figure that out lol

Sorry you are struggling with it. It's frustrating. I totally get having meltdowns over stuff like cheese graters.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. When your therapist says you are doing better and are more well adjusted, tell her what you've said here. You might also need a trip to your pdoc to adjust your meds. I can't say I've ever felt the way you do but I sympathize. Good luck getting it straightened out. You're not alone.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by vertigo

I likely won't help much, but I've reached the point where feeling numb or empty doesn't matter to me anymore. I just plod through life, pursuing whatever sits in front of me without making a big deal about it.

I do understand feeling stupid when asked how I feel, though. Several have mentioned that. I'm with you there.

I am content to feel numb. You are right it really doesn't matter after some time. Im normally just kinda ho hum

[Naynay99]

Well I guess it's reassuring knowing that I'm not the only One who has this problem at times. I just want to feel really Good for once. I just want to feel like me. THAT feeling I can recognize and identify when I am in it.
Feeling numb isn't okay with me either.

I think perhaps I am hyperfocused on how I am doing, which is just making me question it even more and become all mixed up in what or how I am feeling. Maybe I am so scared of becoming really depressed again, that I am too busy bracing myself for the next fall than focusing on noW? I dunno.

It's like anxiety and anger and fear and depression and frustration all are closely intertwined and I can't figure out where one ends and the next begins. Life shouldn't always feel this hard. My brain really needs a shut off switch.

Anyway- here's hoping I will have a fantastic weekend and be able to definitively pick out the right smiley face to depict my mood....
Take care all.

[vjdragonfly]

I spend a lot of time trying to evaluate how I really feel before a visit with my pdoc. Sometimes I just don't know, most of the time I just don't feel right and I can't explain why.