[Altarian]

I'm not looking for answers because there are none. I'm mostly writing to get things out of my head in hopes that it will make things better inside. I tried to believe i really don’t care anymore and i give up. But it's not that simple for me and is one of the main reason's i've never physically hurt myself in the last 20 years, on purpose at least. if it isn’t one thing it’s another. I’m tired of fighting to stay right below the surface only to get pushed down. so forget it all and i’ll just go through the motions to make the world happy while ignoring it all to myself. I look at the last two years and things have been fair to any of my family? I mean it's not like we lost anyone or any thing of material worth. it’s like the world enjoys screwing me over with every step. I’m just tired to the no listening of anyone in the household and the yelling by all of us. so i feel it best that i’ll just not say a damn thing to anyone anymore i guess. unless i have to, not like anyone listens to what i say any way. I’m miserable and not a damn thing i can do about it because i’m not allowed to get in a good place.
just so damn tired of our life and all the **** that keeps happening while those around us are doing ok if not good from what their public appearance shows. i’m just tired of it all. And even worse is the fact that i can’t even say i give up because i know i’m not able to just throw my hand up. i’m not capable of taking the easy way out of anything. I’m sorry, just in a bad place inside. when i brought this up to my wife, this was her reply.
"really? what are you giving up at? and what about me and the kids? we’ll just get the worst of it and that isn’t fair to us so just go to bed. you ever think that maybe the world gave you what it could to make things better? and life just isn’t f@#%^&* fair, and the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. They may be cliches but they are true, we don’t know what other people’s lives are like and I don’t want to
cuz you know what? your brain works different and this world has not figured it out yet. you are being measured on the same yardstick as everyone else while your capabilities are different. in some areas you excel way beyond what any “normal person” can do and others you just plain suck. I knew that when I married you."
All of this conversation started because i got a letter that had a different date for seeing someone in Behavioral health after a year than what i originally was told. It took me 2 months to get the appointment and then to get a letter that add's another month without them calling? it was the last thing i needed after being served with papers by the sheriff at work because of a damn medical bill that collections took to court that my wife and i forgot about. Speaking of work, i don't know what to do with my work. I don't fit in because i don't drink, use drugs, party, own the newest video game system, or have enough Lakota blood to show. Basically i go there, do my job with most days no one saying anything to me. It feels like i'm just part of the scenery for most of them. I love my job but i could do without the feelings of being just part of the building. Maybe i'm just *****ing for no reason. who knows i guess. Like i said i'm not writing this for answers but to get it out of my head and maybe it will help someone else.

I hope you feel better and your wife sounds like she loves you and respects you in all your different and flawed glory. I relate to several things you wrote.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I can relate to some of what you said. You're not alone.

[Altarian]

Thank you all for your words. I just wish you all the best in return. As for me... i'm not sure what i'm going to do. Don't have the money to pay the collection or to file bankruptcy, which i find really messed up that it cost so damn much to try and make a person's financial a little better. Since writing i've slept maybe an average of 3 hours a night because every time i close my eyes i see the same dream of losing everything and everyone. I can tell i've not been eating because there is actually left overs and food in the fridge that i would normally take for my lunches at work. the only good is evidently i live in a state where the collection judgement can only take a max of 20% of my income or 346, whichever is less. Also found out that my job can't fire me over this mess up... but i could see them finding other reasons to get rid of me if they really wanted to of which does not include any substance use like majority of the workers but they could bring up all the time i've called in because either "i was sick" or "my kids are sick." My parents, specifically my mom, has been trying to get out of my wife what is going on with me since she can tell i'm not myself. I'm not sure what my wife has told her and i honestly don't really care anymore because nothing they can do about it other than give me the "i'm sorry we can't save you this time" look. I just feel like a screw up over everything and honestly debate if it wouldn't of been a wise choice for my wife to take herself and kids away with a divorce to save them from my mistakes. I want a damn drink until i feel nothing anymore but i can't because i don't like the taste and feel of alcohol. Once again don't mind me. Been awake way to long watching my daughters sleep in one room while my son and wife sleep in the other bedroom and... ya. No the following statement is not meant to get into a debate on religion or theology. if there truly is a higher being, i'd like to know what the hell the point of this is suppose to be teaching me. I know i've had a past that should of landed me in jail or worse but i watch people who have done worse use what they know to get ahead while i can't let myself anymore use what i did in the past and now i guess i have to pay for the sin's of who i use to be.... rambling once again because i've no one to talk to right now when i need someone....

[jacky8807]

you have us to talk to. financial worries can be the worst and put so much pressure on us that it feels like our head will explode. you are going through a lot and I'm sorry for that. I wish i had better words to say but just know we are here to listen to you get it all out and vent