Reading about BP1 makes me think I don't have BP at all...

I just read the memoir "My lovely wife in the psych ward" about a bipolar woman with psychosis (from her husband's p.o.v). Her illness sounds so intense and completely disabling. Her first depressive episode was 9 months! 9 months of severe suicidal depression! I can't even...

When I read stuff like this - books or even some posts on this forum - I always come away thinking I definitely do NOT have bipolar. I know that BP 2 is defined by the fact that someone doesn't experience full blown mania and psychosis, but I feel like my depressions don't really "fit" the diagnosis either (they are severe but short, anywhere from 2 days - 2 weeks or so). Sometimes I feel like the fact that I was diagnosed bp more than a decade ago influenced the next diagnosis of bp and the next and the next and so on and so forth - but what if it's all just been a big misunderstanding or over-exaggeration?

I feel like my diagnosis is totally unsettled and I can't move forward. Sometimes I get almost obsessed with BP, comparing myself to others who have it, reading stories about it, etc. It's not about denial or anything like that. I'm just not totally convinced, and maybe a tiny part of me worries that I actually subconsciously WANT to be bipolar (why??? so I have an excuse for my moods? I don't know). It's frustrating because the doctors I've seen don't share my skepticism, which only makes me more skeptical. I want to start from scratch with someone who doesn't know anything about my past diagnoses.

well it never hurts to get a second opinion
do the meds help you live a better life ? in functioning, mood and relationships? if so the diagnosis does not really matter anywAy
everyone's mood disorder is different so don t compare yourself
one thing I will agree with you on is two days of feeling depressed would not be considered an "episode"
what brought you into the pdoc in the first place? you must have been feeling pretty bad to get there
so like I said if you are feeling better now that's all that matters

I have had a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th opinion...my fear is that if the 1st diagnosis was incorrect, maybe it's influenced all the others.

I am not on medication and have never taken anything other than an SSRI and ativan (besides depakote but not long enough to notice a difference). I've been prescribed abilify, lithium, and lamictal but have never stuck with anything more than a day or so because I'm afraid of meds, so I don't know if they would help or not.

Could you possibly have OCD or some other anxiety disorder?

Yes, I have been diagnosed OCD (in remission now) and I also have panic disorder and emetophobia. I was also diagnosed with GAD when I was younger but I don't think I fit the criteria anymore. These diagnoses have always been in addition to bipolar diagnoses.

Well I have been suspected of OCD and GAD myself, and I went through periods both doubting my diagnoses and believing them.

The thing to remember is not that you are or are not bipolar, but that you have or do not have symptoms. Everything is symptoms. What we choose to call a collection of symptoms matters little.

I got locked up out of state and they said psychosis/aspergers

You doubt your bipolar diagnosis or your OCD/GAD diagnoses?

I see your point re: symptoms versus diagnosis, but it's hard because the meds that could help with my anxiety are the meds you're not supposed to take if you're bipolar. so here I am, suffering with whatever it is, caught between what feels like a rock and a hard place.

I've doubted them all.

As for the meds that help with anxiety (I assume you're talking about SSRIs) there is only one way to be sure. I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 but they later changed that to mood disorder nos, and now I'm on Zyprexa and zoloft and the zoloft has helped tremendously. I sleep better, too. The zyprexa has made me able to think more clearly. I might be going manic but I'm not crazy now.

What got you diagnosed BP1? And why was it changed to NOS?

In the past I've been NOS and BP 2 and now my record says BP 1 which is either a mistake or for insurance purposes.

A few years ago I was on about 75mg of zoloft (with no mood stabilizer or anything) and it flung me out of depression and into what I guess would be hypomania. When I went down to 50 it was just horrible rapid cycling between normal mood and suicidal depression. I'm on 12.5mg now which does nothing, I'm just avoiding the full-on withdrawal. I really want to go to a higher dose again...I feel like I need to know if the stuff that happened before was just a coincidence or circumstantial.

If antidepressants are a no no for you than the only other thing I can recommend is going for walks.

At first I was diagnosed mood disorder nos, then bipolar nos, then bipolar 1, then mood disorder nos again.

The bipolar 1 diagnosis was due to a mixed episode (and later changed because I told the doctors I thought they overestimated the severity of my manic symptoms during the mixed episode).

Do you know what it is that keeps getting you the bipolar diagnoses, even after multiple opinions?

I have definitely had depressive episodes, but I'm not good at being able to tell if I've had mania.

The ocd part of me feared this and that I may have been exaggerating symptoms, which is partly why they changed my diagnosis. I thought I was faking the whole thing (and I told them this), but years have passed and I'm not.

You could try going to another pdoc and state going in that you want to start from scratch because you've had multiple diagnoses and are just not sure.

I think because my mood obviously cycles and the episodes are severe enough to interfere in my life. When I get depressed it comes on suddenly and I become suicidal, then it goes away just as randomly. The only thing I've noticed that can sometimes trigger such episodes is extreme anxiety or getting sick. Otherwise there is no explanation. Considering the length and number of episodes I almost fit more into cyclothymia, but the depression is too intense for this diagnosis I guess. Then there is the racing thoughts and sleep disturbance, though I know other creative people without bipolar who can experience this as well...

When I was in my Phd program it was easy to write everything off as stress, but now it's been a year and nothing has changed.

That's actually really interesting...when I was a kid I wanted to be sickly, but was also really scared of actually getting sick. I would do things like purposefully get a bad sun burn or bitten by bugs. I also over-exaggerated when I got hurt and ended up being treated for things I didn't really have (crutches, a cast). Then when I actually was sick or hurt no one paid attention until it was a total emergency. Meanwhile I became terrified of throwing up, which led to my developing OCD. Basically, when it comes to me and health it's all pretty ****ed up and I don't trust doctors, myself, or my family so know what's what and do the right thing.

90% of the time, whether it mania or depression I only realize in retrospect that I was experiencing them. Maybe you just kinda shrug it off and don't really realize how long things are going on. When I'm in an episode my time perception is always way off.

I am going to try. I hope that they can look beyond my chart and won't just assume I'm in denial...

Well there is your answer in my opinion. It interferes with you life. Honestly the Dx doesn't matter. I wouldn't fixate on it.

Have you ever had a neuropsych eval? It's 4 hours long and designed to diagnose.

never heard of it. just looked it up - have you done one?

Yes. Mine was inconclusive.

based on what i'm reading so far, it doesn't seem like such a test would be that helpful for determining if someone is bipolar unless they happened to be tested twice, once while manic and once while depressed...I think some friends of mine have done this test for ADD though

Have you done any of the tests on this website?

I have, yes, but I just don't trust my own observations. I don't think I have a very good understanding of what is beyond the bounds of "normal." For example, I was shocked to discover that not everyone thinks about suicide on a semi-regular basis.

Everything you describe about yourself, including swings and mania, sounds like BP to me. I think you are rationalizing your dx. I would see if the proper meds work for you. Like someone mentioned here, the dx does not matter as much as the treatment of the symptoms. IMHO

I hope you find the answer you are looking for.