[dueNorth]

Hey all, sorry have not be around much lately. But this may be my last post here, don't know. Do not want to waste any one's time and more.

Of the last few weeks, I have been trying extremely hard to pull myself up by my boot straps as the saying goes. And thought I was making progress, my out look on my future did not seem so bleak to me.

Last week a homeless coordinator at the VA is trying to help me get gas back on, it is getting rather cold now especially at night. And she has been trying to help me along the path, because I get over whelmed by it all.

Two days ago, I was told my cash assistance has been terminated. Why? good question, because they said I did not make an appointment, no mind you I was not notified that I had this appointment, but regardless because I did not make the appointment it has been terminated. Plus I am now not elegible until after the first of the year.

This is starting a chain of events that I can not possibly handle or even have hopes of solving. I am tired of fighting the BS the state throws at me, as well as the Federal level. I am going to lose everything I now have, my dog and cats, all my belongings, my pride, ect.

I am tired, tired of it all. Tired of the looks, the whispered remarks. Because I have not had a shower in over 3 months (no hot water) and no clean cloths in over a month (washer broken.) I'm tired of spinning my wheels and fighting to keep going and to stay alive in the process.

My son came home today, and said a teacher was going to get him shoes, because I can't buy them for him. His mom, has not yet, after many requests sent money so he can get cloths to wear.

I am failing at every level, and it does not matter how hard I try and struggle. The state, or federal or who ever is always right there to slap me down and to keep me down. I'm tired of it, I can hardly bare to even be around myself. I do not feel clean and I can't get clean. I'm tired.

I am sorry for coming and posting, every one has troubles I realize. And mine are peity compared to others I know. So forgive me... sorry

[Moose72]

What do you mean yours don't mean as much as others'? I'd be posting the exact same thing! If I go 3 or 4 days without a shower I'm itchy as all itchy and that's enough to drive a person to distraction right there, nevermind the hot water issue. I've btdt. Do you not have electricity on the stove to heat a pot of water to make a quick bath? Neighbor? Getting a hot shower will at least get you feeling better. As for the state, they cut off my foodstamps w/o rhyme or reason and never got back to my letters or phone calls. Is there a church nearby that you can get free meals? If it were warmer, I'd say go stand in someone's sprinkler. I would! Soap and everything. Who gives a beep is my theory.

[MINIME]

im so sorry. That sucks. there has to be something to help you. I can try and work on it. I dont know if i can do anything but maybe I can make some calls. Pm me if u want give me some specifics and i can try and do something. This isnt right.

[dueNorth]

Originally Posted by Moose72

What do you mean yours don't mean as much as others'? I'd be posting the exact same thing! If I go 3 or 4 days without a shower I'm itchy as all itchy and that's enough to drive a person to distraction right there, nevermind the hot water issue. I've btdt. Do you not have electricity on the stove to heat a pot of water to make a quick bath? Neighbor? Getting a hot shower will at least get you feeling better. As for the state, they cut off my foodstamps w/o rhyme or reason and never got back to my letters or phone calls. Is there a church nearby that you can get free meals? If it were warmer, I'd say go stand in someone's sprinkler. I would! Soap and everything. Who gives a beep is my theory.

I have been doing the water and soap thing heated on the stove, but even when I do that I can not get clean it seems. Least I do not feel clean, just wet. None of my neighbors are of any help. As a matter of fact I am expecting one of them to report me because of all the trash in the garage. Since I can't afford to have it picked up it sits.

I have food they haven't taken away my food stamps , just the 400 a month from the state for bills, which by the way does not even come close to paying off any of them. I am behind 2 to 3 months on all my bills, nasty phone calls over it.

I am just over whelmed by it all, I am either in a panic cause I can't get things taken care of, or so damned depressed that I can't even force myself to try. While I am not one to take my own life, it would not bother me to much if I just didn't wake up some morning. though would fight to wake up. Maybe i am just a glutton for punishment.

And yes, to me others problems always seem worse then my own. I have always been that way. My doc says I have set a to high of a standard for myself in many aspects. There is the older guy that walks around town, back pack on and homeless, and when I see that I sink so low because I am *****ing and complaining about my issues. And I know others are in worse shape, so how can I expect or even dare to think I have problems. Once again my standards I guess.

[dueNorth]

Originally Posted by MINIME

im so sorry. That sucks. there has to be something to help you. I can try and work on it. I dont know if i can do anything but maybe I can make some calls. Pm me if u want give me some specifics and i can try and do something. This isnt right.

Thanks, it may take me some time, my session got the ball rolling this morning and been trying to be able to think clearly ever since.

[MINIME]

ok just PM me if u need to.

[Direction]

Originally Posted by dueNorth

My doc says I have set a to high of a standard for myself in many aspects.

I can relate to this...unrelenting standards that we heap on ourselves. It is by far the biggest filter I see through.

[dueNorth]

Originally Posted by Direction

I can relate to this...unrelenting standards that we heap on ourselves. It is by far the biggest filter I see through.

Yes, yesterday when talking in my session, my doc said said anyone would have issues dealing with what I am going through, and all I could say was 'Not me' then after a pause I felt so low because I was indeed having issues dealing with it all.

I do not know if it is the mental state or training in the corps or the ole 'don't tell me I can't' but I always feel I can do better, regardless of the situation. And many days even now, I have the feeling that while I may have lost the battle and have some pride in that, there are other days like yesterday I flip into a extreme depression and panic. Snapping at those that care, because I am not how it should be in my mind.

I am feeling better this morning, maybe cause I am not fully awake yet. The meds at night really put me out and help control the depression. I have a lot of driving today, and I pray I don't get hit by another panic attack like yesterday.

[Direction]

glad today feels a bit better...you may want to talk to your pdoc about the being put out at night especially if you feel rough around the edges in the morning...

By the way I like "dueNorth"...I'm a big fan of compasses...was there any significance to your choice?

[dueNorth]

Originally Posted by Direction

glad today feels a bit better...you may want to talk to your pdoc about the being put out at night especially if you feel rough around the edges in the morning...

By the way I like "dueNorth"...I'm a big fan of compasses...was there any significance to your choice?

My pdoc is aware that they put me out at night, part of the reason he wants me to take them then. Other wise I would only sleep 2 or 3 hours a night (brain will not shut down), and if I take these meds during the day time I would probably see things that are not here.

Well the 'dueNorth' came from watching 'Northern Exposure' for year, great tv show lol. and because I live about as far north as you can in Michigan, so dueNorth eh.