Can anyone else relate?

On my way to work this morning, along a divided highway, I saw another vehicle approaching me. The driver had their window rolled down and they were sticking their arm out the window and letting the breeze to hit it. I too, had my windows down as it was hot. I visualized in my head that as our cars passed along the highway we both reached out and gave one another a high five. Then I imagined how painful it would be to give someone a high five going 45 mph. Then I imagined what would happen if the other drive hung onto my hand as they drove away. I felt a twinge in my arm and I jumped in my seat.

I'll often find myself in situations where I can clearly see one thing happening but then I'll visualize another. Sometimes it's pleasant. Sometimes it's hurtful. Sometimes it is sexual in nature. I don't know how quite to express this to someone without them thinking I'm the "C" word.

I know in my head I can run with ideas and take them too far. I'll imagine my son playing on the soccer field and dying from a collision with another player or taking a shot to the head from a ball gone out of control. I think about the the EMT's coming to revive him. The trip to the hospital. The funeral. Consoling my wife. Being consoled by family. Leaving my wife because we are both torn up by the emotional stress of losing a child.

It just goes too far, and I don't know how to stop it.

There is a girl that sits next to me at work. She's a redhead. Occasionally I'll find myself looking in her direction and scanning her up and down. Sometimes I find myself fixated on her red hair. Sometimes I'm fascinated by her shoes. I think you know where I might end up going with this. I get detailed. I get very specific. It honestly feels like hundreds of hours of my life spent up over just a few moments.

I find myself reliving past events in my life. Playing devil's advocate, I obsess over how things might have been different if events played out in my favor. Would I still be alive? Would I be happier? Thirty or forty years of my life suddenly remapped and thought out in an instant. What if I never married my girlfriend from high school? What if I had gone to college and obtained my degree. What if I waited until my mid 20's to move out from home?

I am beginning to think that my existing memories are being replaced with the ones I have fabricated from the distorted realities I create for my amusement or to my dismay. I see flashes of my youth, the early years of my marriage, various people that I have met in my life, and then they go away for a period of time. Sometimes they return, other times they become unrecognizable to me and it is like I'm experiencing events for the first time.

I have gotten into thought processes like this, Not as much as a few years ago. In Therapy I learned how to divert my thoughts.

I have some really unrealistic fears and thoughts. When they pop up I do a fact check...

Is this something you have talked to a T about ?

I slow down, do a fact check, try to think of a happy place - etc. Nothing seems to work consistently right now.

I used to do this and therapy helped. I still do it some but it is manageable. I don't really know what therapy helped but my best guess is when I did intensive PTSD treatment. I don't know if that's an issue you deal with but for me it was making me believe everything would proceed to the worst possible ending. I don't even remember if we did something specific for this or if it got better as the PTSD improved. My therapist probably would tell you I still do it but I know it isn't as bad as it was. Although I can think of a specific thing I'm doing it with right now so clearly not all gone.

Are you seeing or willing to see a therapist? This may not bother you enough to seek help but if it bothers or interferes with your daily functioning, I would get help. Good luck and best wishes.

If my thoughts start rambling and I catch myself, I stop and assign a time to think more on a topic, if more thinking is warranted.

I might stop myself in the present thought process, assign a time of 7-8 p.m. and then move on to another topic. At 7p.m. it may or may not make sense for me to give the topic further time/energy.

I have done this long enough now, my brain rarely gets carried away anymore.

It's not exactly the same as you are relating, neodk, but it's the closest thing I've dealt with and I'd wanted to support you. You are very supportive to others.

I am hoping a great job offer comes through for you.


WC

I'm between therapists right now. The last one I saw was good, but his office was terrible at processing paperwork and collecting co-pays so every other visit we would discuss my outstanding balance. I didn't feel like the visits were doing me any good, my wife kept complaining about the billing side of things, and eventually I just stopped going.

I do want to get in with a therapist again at some point. I don't think the medication I am on is working very well and the coping skills I did gain through therapy are no longer helping.

I use to have thoughts like those. Most of the time it was worse case scenario. The therapist helped some but they still ran through my mind. I talked to my pdoc about it and with some med changes it got better. I still have some racing thoughts but it's not as bad. I hope you find the help you need and my heart goes out to you.