[Tkb1966]

I'm fairly new here but I'd be willing to bet that this subject comes up far too often so forgive me for bringing it up again. I was diagnosed bp 1 unspecified with psychotic features in 2006. I have never been hospitalized. I have not had hallucinations in years. I mainly deal with what has been near constant depression that does not respond to meds.
I have a hard time with the label "bipolar". I probably can't explain it right because I have a hard time expressing myself which I blame on past meds. I guess it's just because the world has such a negative view of bipolar and don't understand. And I guess it's because it's used so casually to describe someone. I have hypothyroidism. I accept that and know that I have to take meds for it the rest of my life. Why is it so hard for us to accept that we have bipolar disorder and that we need to take meds for it? Of course you don't go around telling people you have BP but why is it so hard to say it to yourself? It's like it's not real. Like it's a lie. I have mental health issues of all sorts - near constant depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, isolation, fear. I don't know. I'm rambling about nothing probably and for what reason? It's just frustrating that we can accept diabetes, thyroid disease, or whatever illness we have accept mental illness. Am I even making sense?

[Moose72]

At least you're diagnosed with those things. I get horrible anxiety and my Pdoc won't even acknowledge it.im sorry you are feeling so bad.

[liveforsummer]

You're certainly not alone. I think we all at one time or another have trouble accepting the BP diagnosis. Hence statistically we can be terrible at medication compliance. I'm still all over the map. Stopping starting meds, believing I have BP to disbelieving. Good luck on your journey and keep posting. It's somehow easier to traverse this as a similar minded group

[Wild Coyote]

Yes, it's tough to accept a Bipolar diagnosis.

Sometimes, this is more difficult because we may not understand how BP I and BP II present. Even if we do understand this, we may not have insight into our own behaviors/experiences.

Then there's the stigma.
People seem to more readily accept a friend having a diagnosis of depression over a diagnosis of bipolar.

It definitely takes time to come to grips with a bipolar diagnosis and even if/when we do adjust to it (accept it), we often keep it a "secret" due to the stigma.


WC

[Tkb1966]

When i was first diagnosed I read everything I could get my hands on about bp. Mania is hard to understand because it's different for each person I guess. There are times when I get so fixated on a project that I don't sleep at all because I'm obsessed with what I'm doing. I'm very impulsive. If the thought even just fleetingly crosses my mind to do something crazy, dangerous or stupid I just do it and don't think of the consequences. (I should mention I'm 51, so I should know better.) Then even though my main goal in life is to avoid all drama (can't handle drama) I can fly off the handle at the stupidest little thing. And I use to hallucinate. Other than that I mainly just have varying degrees of constant depression, anxiety, confined almost always to my bedroom. My uncle, brother and son all have been diagnosed bp 1.
I don't know why it's so hard for me to understand. It's just that you can't see it on a lab report or x ray or MRI so it's not real. Which makes you blame yourself for being this way. Like it's something you've done to make you this way. Like you could stop it if you really wanted to.
I see a new pdoc in 2 weeks. Maybe I'll get a clearer understanding of myself and something that will actually help. Thanks for listening to my rambling.

[Wild Coyote]

"Like you could stop it if you really wanted to."

Yes! I go through this constantly. I am constantly trying to figure out what I need to do in order to function better, in order to pull myself out of this depression. I'm already doing all I can do and have great difficulty accepting the illness has any power over me, even though it demonstrates its power daily.


WC

[liveforsummer]

This morning in my run I could feel my mood shift like a switch turned on. Became teary sad and felt like I could see the black cloud at my heels. Right now 8 hours later at this moment I feel ok. SO then I question this morning. And so the cycle goes. The labels a tough sell even though the evidence can be screaming at us. Sometimes it's not just about hitting rock bottom it's how many times do you have to hit it before you finally believe and accept. (Just my experience thus far in this journey. )

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Then there's the stigma.
People seem to more readily accept a friend having a diagnosis of depression over a diagnosis of bipolar.

It definitely takes time to come to grips with a bipolar diagnosis and even if/when we do adjust to it (accept it), we often keep it a "secret" due to the stigma.

This is so true.

When I say I have moderate depression, I get nothing but compassion. Sometimes it comes with a dose of poorly executed good intentions, telling me how to snap out of it and be happy.

When I say I have bipolar disorder, I am sometimes met with denial - "can't be right". I think it bothers some people because there is no solution they can offer me. People don't snap out of bipolar disorder (they don't snap out of clinical depression either, but that's another story).

I denied it for several years, but at some level I knew the diagnosis was probably correct; sometimes I wasn't depressed but also wasn't "right" and it wasn't just ADHD. I had/have a recurring delusion. I had/have hyperacusis.

And yes, it is still a secret at work and with social acquaintances that aren't close friends. Some people get the depression story, some ADHD, some both and some nothing. The stigma is very real. Many people have the wrong idea about what it means.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

This morning in my run I could feel my mood shift like a switch turned on. Became teary sad and felt like I could see the black cloud at my heels. Right now 8 hours later at this moment I feel ok. SO then I question this morning. And so the cycle goes. The labels a tough sell even though the evidence can be screaming at us. Sometimes it's not just about hitting rock bottom it's how many times do you have to hit it before you finally believe and accept. (Just my experience thus far in this journey. )

Rapid cycling? I get more gradual and long lasting "big mood" changes. I get lots of "little mood" changes within them. I can smile when one of my kids makes me proud in the midst of deep depression and I will still be sad if I watch "Where the Red Fern Grows" during an intense hypomania episode.