Why do I even do this?

The first time I went to therapy when I was 15, I did this same thing. I find it difficult to speak about my issues with my therapist so I keep telling them that I'm fine and downplaying my symptoms. The first time I successfully got out, only to have a breakdown and go back at age 19. Now that I've been on meds and therapy for a year. I find myself lying AGAIN. I even told them I was so fine that I wanted to get out of therapy and "graduate" from my therapist and psychiatrist. Somehow it is extremely difficult for me to talk about my problems, thoughts and symptoms, so i have been telling them, I'm fine now and my mood swings are just normal, not horrible. Saying them feels like admitting my problem by throwing it out into the world. I have felt that if I throw all of this away I can finally "cure" myself and continue on with my life without this burden. I feel so bad about lying. I even lie about the frequency I take my meds. I think I'll come clean no matter how much it hurts. This way I'll never get better I guess. I plan to type it out and show my therapist next time, because I just can't say it. On top of this I opened up to my psychiatrist about a worry I was having and she said I was being selfish, I was spoiled all my life so I didn't know any better, and other people have had it worse than me so I have to get on going with my life soon. It's hard not to believe it when a professional says it, right? I'm sorry, I just felt like ranting where maybe some people would understand me.

Welcome to PC, I'm sure you'll find a lot of helpful info here. Sorry you've been through that and your psychiatrist responded in that manner. I think that's a great idea to type out your thoughts and feelings for your therapist. Do you have an appointment soon?

Welcome to PC

Hello. Welcome to PC. I think it's a great idea to type out your thoughts and feelings and give it to your therapist. They can only help you to the extent you are honest. Best wishes.

Welcome to PC!

Please write your feelings out and see if that works for you. You're paying them to help you.

I think your psychiatrist was rather rude, though. Comparing your problems to other people's problems minimizes your worry. He's supposed to help you, not drag you down further.

I typed up a summary when I was pretty full of myself on a hypomanic high. It was very accurate though I was a little bit of a smart *** in a few places (like answering "Any current street drug use" with "sadly, no"). It was my initial paperwork for a new pdoc and I submitted it online. I might have lost my nerve if I had waited. I think I am getting better treatment because I was so open. And since so much was out there, I was open when I met with her. I am seeing a therapist on Tuesday and will do the same thing - wide open.

Before this, I have been lying (at least partially) to therapists and pdocs for about 40 years. Don't make that mistake. I should have gotten the right help a long time ago. I had drug and alcohol problems I was hiding.

congratulations on your sobriety
bizi

Not until a couple weeks from now (said I didn't need to as often (sigh). I think I'll call tomorrow to see if I can schedule sooner.

You're right. I have made this mistake once and it granted me years of misery with no way out. I think I have been thinking clearly for the first time in a long time, enough to realize the mistake I have been making...

Thanks. I have been here a few times before; hopefully I will make it "stick" this time. The early part isn't the hardest for me. About 6 months in I start telling myself I have proved I can stop when I need to, so a little something here and there is okay. The urge never seems to go away. I have not done any illegal drugs in over 25 years and I still crave pot and boomers (mushrooms).