[JanusunaJ]

At what point do you ladies and guys walk away from friendships?

I reach out to my friends of the yesteryears and most times, ~99.99% of the time, I don't get a response. These are people that I've known for a decade or more, mostly; I considered them my family. I usually send them a message or an email once or twice a year. But, I generally don't get a response. At what point do you say enough is enough and just walk away? I really feel like a weirdo making all these attempts of contact. I know relationships fade, but it just seems totally alien to me. Is this part of the current culture or has this always been a dynamic of life? I would imagine, even in the time of snail mail that if you received a letter from a friend, you'd respond. But, maybe I'm wrong. What do you all think?

[UpDownAround]

You said friends of yesteryear - was there a big break where you had no communications? I have similar experiences. I do think being BP plays into it, not because they know but because I was/am someone a lot of people just barely put up with because every now and then I am a conceited jackass. I look and act like I am high on cocaine or meth also. And then I am Mr Mopey...

That sounds painful and I'm sorry. I've had people turn their backs on me and it's been hard but mostly I lose friends because I become paranoid about them and stop talking to them first. I've lost so many friends and potential friends this way that it really breaks my heart. I'm getting healthier though and hope to be able to make a few good friends in my near future.....right now I'm much too stressed for it to be reasonable but I hope that will change. If you only contact these people a few times a year, it might just be that the friendships have faded. (((Hugs)))

[xRavenx]

I admit it gets hard for me to leave certain friendships. There are times I reach out to people, and I won't get a response for a very long time, although some of my friendships have just faded with added responsibilities on both ends.

As far as Bipolar playing a role, sometimes I have a tendency to attract the wrong friends into my life during manias where I am more impulsive. People will observe me spending a lot of money, drinking, or having big plans and latch on to that, or other qualities/impulsive behaviors I have during mania. I'm not sure if you've observed similar patterns in sometimes having people in your life who aren't particularly genuine, but you met them during a vulnerable period of time?

No matter what the reason is, that is hard to deal with, and I'm sorry you're going through that.

Raven, I can totally relate to making the wrong kind of friends when in an upswing....I've been there several times in my life and it rarely ends of goes well. (((Hugs)))

[Sunflower123]

I think it's extremely rude and inconsiderate not to respond back to you no matter how short the response is especially since you considered them as family. I might try one or two more times. If you get no response then walk away. Best wishes.

[Slightlydelusional]

and than when you finally talk with them they say, "long time no hear".

Ive given up on a lot of people due to non-communication, but just think as we get older people isolate themselves with a few people around them and their family.

But Im sure my own behavior while in manias dont help and people just want to break it up.

[UpDownAround]

I do wonder if I hadn't tried to hide my diagnosis for so long (even from doctors, so I wasn't getting the right meds) I might have more long term friends. They might be more understanding about what is going on when I am coming off as a conceited jackass or turning down invitations when they know I have nothing to do if I had opened up to close friends and told them why I get that way.

[99fairies]

I don't have any friends. And to be honest I wouldn't want to be my friend. I would be manic and want to do stuff with them all the time or be depressed and not want to see them at all. I am lonely though.

[JanusunaJ]

I just find it to be really hard to walk away from the people that I cared(care) so much about. It's just really strange to me because it seems that people do it quite easily. I don't know. Maybe I never meant much to them? Another one of my oldest friends talked about this too. He said that he'd reached out to one of our mutual friends that we'd both known since the late 90s -- we'd stayed in touch since then so not that much time had passed between last talking. But, he said that our mutual friend was unresponsive too.

I once heard the following: "At what point do you say enough is enough in regards to someone you care about? When do you walk away?" The answer: "never." That seemed totally legit and righteous to me, but now I think it makes me appear naive.

The quote you wrote is from the movie "The Mexican" with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. It's a very moving quote and I do believe there is a lot of truth in it.

[Woolly Bugger]

People change, and friendships do not always survive. I recently began playing cards with my best friends from high school. It's fun, but any attempt to bring back the good old days would be a mistake. None of us is the same as we were then, so our friendships really need to be started over again. But, after so much time, we have little in common, and there is no point. We settle for being friendly. Does that make sense? It is more logical to try to make new friends than to dig up the old ones.

[Slightlydelusional]

Originally Posted by Woolly Bugger

People change, and friendships do not always survive. I recently began playing cards with my best friends from high school. It's fun, but any attempt to bring back the good old days would be a mistake. None of us is the same as we were then, so our friendships really need to be started over again. But, after so much time, we have little in common, and there is no point. We settle for being friendly. Does that make sense? It is more logical to try to make new friends than to dig up the old ones.

I think about making new friends because I dont have to explain the insanity of how my life has developed. Before social media I keep most in the closet but since like 8 years ago I let it out through manic posting that I have issues.

I have no desire to explain my past and current situation so I avoid old friends, but I do remember when we used to hang even 20 years past HS we would bring up all the stupid chit we used to do and make fun of each other from that time in a friendly way.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

The quote you wrote is from the movie "The Mexican" with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. It's a very moving quote and I do believe there is a lot of truth in it.

I don't think I've seen The Mexican since it was first released. But, for some reason, I've always remembered that conversation between James Gandolfini and Julia Roberts. She got the answer wrong when Gandolfini asked her the question. When she asked Brad Pitt the question he answered "never."

I suppose I took that to be a righteous mentality. I firmly believed that you don't give up on people, but I see it happen all the time. It's happened to me quite frequently this past decade. I guess I was wrong about that. I think it must be absolutely acceptable to walk away from people. And I just have to realize that just because people are important to me, doesn't mean that I'm therefore important to them. It's just really strange.

Not all walked away. Time has just passed and the relationships just faded I suppose. But, you hear stories of friends getting back together after having not talked for years and they say it's like no time passed at all. I guess that's what I was anticipating.

I now kind of question the whole concept of friendship. I don't really know what it means anymore.

I watched The Mexican a few days ago which is why I remembered the quote....Julia asked the question not knowing the answer.......I don't think we do give up when we are truly in love.....there is always some hope in there. But yes....friendships fade and that's ok. It's hard for me to let go of people I love ....even when it's obviously needed. Sometimes people give up on us and that is hard stuff to deal with. As long as we don't give up on ourselves, there is hope. You will make new friends and hopefully they will be like you and not be the type who give up. (((Hugs)))

[Ripose]

I know a couple of people that would still do anything for me even though we have not been in contact for years. I guess I would call them friends of a different sort, they are the type that never gave up on me as did 99% of my old friends. But currently I would say I have no friends and I guess I like it that way since I feel so self-conscious about my MI.

PC and my wife are my only friends that I interact with at all.

Sorry for rambling I do it a lot when it is late and I'm tired and wired.

[Unrigged64072835]

I have a couple of childhood friends that found me on FB. Other than that I really don't have anybody from that time period. My childhood was a mess anyway so I'm not missing much.

I'm doing well with the family I have now. I'm not in any rush to make new friends.

[JanusunaJ]

I really would enjoy being able to talk to my friends. It would really make me happy, actually. But, instead, when I do attempt to initiate a conversation I'm flat out ignored. I really don't understand what I did to them. It's like they've ghosted me. It's as though I am an indifference, a non-starter, not even the vaguest of thought to them. It would be so very nice if it wasn't literally always me trying to initiate a conversation.

I would be so happy just getting a letter or exchanging more than the once every 6+ months brief, casual and pedantic messages, just to hear what's going on in their lives. Is this just how friendships function nowadays? (I have found that I shouldn't talk about anything dealing with my mental health, aside from making a perfunctory "I'm in a depressed mood" etc. statement. Mentioning anything more leads to people walking away. So, that kind of limits what I can talk about.) But, it would just be so splendid to talk with them about their lives and our common interests.

I recently got back in touch with a friend that ghosted me near the end of 2016. I'd messaged her two or three times since February 2017. She did respond in March or thereabouts explaining why she ghosted, but then she immediately disappeared after saying it'd be cool for us to begin again our friendship. Recently, I messaged her over the weekend and she responded a few days ago. I was so happy to hear from her. I avoided talking about my health as that was a reason she ghosted. We exchanged messages and seemed to be entering into an actual conversation. Then, after a handful of exchanges, she disappeared again.

I can't say anything to her or any of my other friends about how much it hurts to have them just disappear because it'd just show how "needy" I am and/or they'd censure me and/or it would be awkward and they'd just ghost me again, if they'd respond at all.

I really wish that I had no desire or need to socialize with anyone. I'd not feel this interpersonal mono no aware nor the isolation nor alienation nor loneliness.

The sentiment expressed in this

is not very dissimilar from the ostracization or abnegation or abandonment I feel at this juncture in my life. But, I probably deserve it?

What makes you think you deserve it?

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

What makes you think you deserve it?

Well, for most or at least the friends who readily come to mind, they were around when I had a major psychological collapse that involved what, looking back on it, was weeks of a mixed episode of beyond-severe depression and hypomania combined with unbearable anxiety. I couldn't really help myself in regards to not talking about what was going on in my mind. Sometimes, I'd write these absolutely incoherent and apoplectic emails or continuously focus on intrusive anxiety-provoking thoughts regarding infinite regresses and tell them about it. This was in 2011. Virtually all who walked away did so in ghost fashion after a couple of months.

Nearly the same thing happened in 2016. If the 2011 experience was a 10, the 2016 experience was a 9.0-9.5 that had been building since the summer of 2014. The few friends I made between 2011 and 2016 walked away too. But, I suppose one difference is that my then best friend, the person that I'd hung out with 4+ hours nearly every day of the week for years told me why she was walking away. It was because, in a very dark hour, I was desperate for help, in absolute despair, but there really wasn't anything that could be done so being just really, ineffably distraught I wanted to just talk. So, I unloaded all of my despair into a message and sent it to her. That was too much for her and she broke down crying. The next morning, she said our friendship was no longer conducive and it was time to part ways. (I understand that. I have to understand it. That was inappropriate of me to want or need to "confess" my inner turmoil to her in an attempt to find relief. There really was no one else I was comfortable talking with about it, but it was wrong of me to ask for her to listen to that type of darkness.) This makes me an awful person.

I did keep in touch with a couple of friends from 2011, but when things got bad in 2016 they vacated. I suppose one time as enough for them. I have to understand this too. People, especially your inner circle of people, don't leave you unless you've done something horrible. Another of my close friends who I met in 2012 kind of disappeared too, but with them I never really talked about anything regarding my mental health. So, I don't really know why I no longer exist to them.

So, pretty much all of my friends who knew of my psychological collapse ghosted or literally just the one, explained why they had to walk away. When people who were so close to you just disappear without notice and regard you as persona non grata, all I can presume is that I must really be an awful person.

None of this really matters I suppose. I continuously let trivial things bother me.

Real friends don't walk away in your time of need and nothing you've written indicates you are a terrible person at all. I think on some level you know what I'm writing is true but I understand how them leaving would cause you to question yourself. Who are we to confide in if not our friends? Maybe they had too many of their own problems to handle more which says nothing about you or them, just simply explains why they needed to walk away? Be your own friend and know that you were unwell when you unloaded or you wouldn't have needed to unload at all. You are worthy of having friends....you seem smart and considerate and when the time and person is right you will have a friend again. (((Hugs)))

[Cocosurviving]

I was in the same type of situation. I had a best friend since 8th grade. I moved to Tennessee and she moved to Florida. We stayed in contact by phone. Then we would meet up during the holidays in our birth state. Well she stopped replying to my text messages. I left her phone messages too. Months later she surfaced and said she had a lot going on. I explained to her that I would have liked her to at least let me know she was alive. She apologized and agreed. Well she started doing it again not replying to messages. During this time I was just diagnosed and was having a really hard time. I did not have time for flaky friends. We never had bad words toward each other. She stopped calling me and I stopped trying to reach her. This ended in 2012 and I'm ok with it.

I moved from Tennessee back to Oklahoma. The college alumni friends I had are flaky too. I do not hear from them. There have been tornados in Oklahoma and they don't even call or text to see if I'm ok. I just don't call them anymore either. Out of sight out of mind