[JanusunaJ]

A tl;dr rant.

I really want, rather need(?), to scream. I don't know how to perspicuously give voice to my frustration, vehemence, chagrin, dereliction, guilt, dishonor, fault, fear; shame; crushing and earnest remorse.

I don't think it matters whether or not I can give voice to this disconcerting and anxiety-precipitating and churning and masticating amalgamation of want and/or need and/or desire and/or indefiniteness and/or definiteness. I've given voice to it before so many times. It has lost its value. It has become a haranguing, hackneyed, weird, wearisome annoyance to those in earshot. All the means of connection were eaten by the Langoliers.

About a decade ago, I was talking with a therapist about my desire to put on shows like Gatsby. Throw enormous parties; set alight that torch by the waterside; all in an effort to get that one person to find their way to his proximity. I didn't intend for myself to literally throw enormous parties, but more so figuratively to make myself easily found, easily noticeable all in an effort to "subtly" get their attention as direct communication was not possible -- I didn't even know who they were. It would have been like my broadcast on an arcane-esque frequency. I have no idea how to do this as there is nothing special about me.

Now, presently, I have the desire for this to not only find that one unknown person, but to also speak with people of my past; I'd transmit my "voice" into the universe and hope they'd happen upon it.

I wonder about modern-day messages in bottles. Instead of the sea, thrown into an ersatz abyss or black-hole or beyond the horizon. An "Here I am. Are you(all) out there? Do you(all) hear me? Do you(all) see me? I'm looking for you(all). Will you(all) find me?" message.

[Artchic528]

Hmmm....I think you voiced it quite eloquently. I'm quite moved by your artistic prose.

[bizi]

Thank you for posting on my co-dependancy thread!
bizi

[bukowski06]

Hello
I just wanted to share my support. I wanted to ask if your message was your desire to connect with others, how are you making that accessible? Is your medium through prose?

I must admit I don't know many of the words you posted. I got the gist "mostly" but it's very clear you are intelligent and well read. I'm the opposite of you, hiding and hoping not to be found by anyone of my past.....not wanting anyone to hear me except the people of PC who know me as an anonymous "blondie" ....I didn't read Gatsby....I started it but didn't finish. The movie was wonderful though....charming and sad and gave many moments to pause and think. I've watched it over and over and over. My crush on the older, more filled out Leo has only a small part to play.

I hope you are seen and heard in the ways you need. We humans need connection....we were not designed to be alone, though life can sometimes provide us no other option due to the malfunctions in essence the people around us can set into motion. Keep fighting to find your people....they are out there and your brilliant light shines bright enough to beckon them. (((Hugs)))

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by bukowski06

Hello
I just wanted to share my support. I wanted to ask if your message was your desire to connect with others, how are you making that accessible? Is your medium through prose?

I suppose some of my posts are my bottled messages thrown into the sea that is the interwebz. My medium is indeed through prose. I'm not an adroit writer, but I do write far better than I speak.

For several years I've pursued being a published novelist. I've written one and started many others. In a way, I'd wanted those novels or at least one novel to be my "Gatsby message" put out into the universe. A way to reach out to and reconnect with lost people from my yesteryears or to connect with someone or some people I've yet to find by way of imbuing an esotericism into the story, letting them know that I am speaking to them.

I don't really have the talent to be a published novelist though. The understanding of that fact is disappointing because it seems as though I won't be able to find those people and/or they won't know that I'm looking or where to find me. It's a ludicrous and quixotic notion, I know.

You are certainly talented enough to be a novelist.....more talented than many who write and more intelligent than most. My only advise would be to "know your audience" which might mean dumbing yourself down a bit sadly. Hugs.

[bukowski06]

Writing is something that is lifelong skill to craft, so you shouldn't feel like you aren't adroit because obviously you've shown that it's something you're adept at. I've had to read lots of difficult texts in my day so I was able to discern that the message of the text was to establish a connection. I just wanted to ask how you were making the connection accessible because it seems like the prose is supposed to be in the form of a secret that is not easily accessed.

That's awesome that you've written a novel. Is it about your experiences with your dx? When my husband was having a breakdown I desperately sought first hand anecdotal writings but they were very limited. Also most were from females, and I always searched for a male perspective. My favorite to date is Brian Wilson's I am Brian Wilson but I would like to read more. Of course, ive read lots of literature with characters who experience psychosis but it is not the same.
Thank you for sharing your writing.

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

I suppose some of my posts are my bottled messages thrown into the sea that is the interwebz. My medium is indeed through prose. I'm not an adroit writer, but I do write far better than I speak.

For several years I've pursued being a published novelist. I've written one and started many others. In a way, I'd wanted those novels or at least one novel to be my "Gatsby message" put out into the universe. A way to reach out to and reconnect with lost people from my yesteryears or to connect with someone or some people I've yet to find by way of imbuing an esotericism into the story, letting them know that I am speaking to them.

I don't really have the talent to be a published novelist though. The understanding of that fact is disappointing because it seems as though I won't be able to find those people and/or they won't know that I'm looking or where to find me. It's a ludicrous and quixotic notion, I know.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by bukowski06

That's awesome that you've written a novel. Is it about your experiences with your dx? When my husband was having a breakdown I desperately sought first hand anecdotal writings but they were very limited. Also most were from females, and I always searched for a male perspective. My favorite to date is Brian Wilson's I am Brian Wilson but I would like to read more. Of course, ive read lots of literature with characters who experience psychosis but it is not the same.
Thank you for sharing your writing.

My first novel was about a guy suffering from a traumatic brain injury that resulted in irregularly occurring bouts of severe memory impairment and the effect that impairment had on his understanding of his life and self as well as his close interpersonal relationships. I wrote using an experimental writing style in the social science fiction genre with influences such as Brave New World and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. Other influences were Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Cormac McCarthy, and Virginia Woolf.

The only memoir that I've read from the male perspective of bipolar disorder was one that was written by Sidney Sheldon. The only others that I've read are An Unquiet Mind and Madness, which were both written by ladies. I'll have to check out I am Brian Wilson.