[Zippo]

It's a bit freaky to talk about this because I never have before. Since my earliest memories I've had incredible energy and light in my chest. I've protected it with tension and secrecy. My chest and heart are a place I've always attacked. I've made cuts down the centre of my chest, tried pushing a knife into my heart, not because I'm suicidal, but I have to go through the motions. I visualize severe chest pain and hope to feel it. Also try to make my heart go wonky. My poor chest and heart take a lot of abuse. Now I have a tens unit that says clearly not to place the electrodes on the heart so I did it right away and got a great buzz and jolts and pain. It was so relaxing, my heart actually doesn't feel so tense anymore. My pulse stays steady and calm. I do it every day and it feels good to have that pain on my chest.
The thing is, I don't think this is manic or psychotic, it's just my soul trying to get out and I am afraid my rib cage will crack wide open in public one day and let the light out. I have to protect it.
There, I just had to get that off my chest, literally.

[Moose72]

That's rather triggering. Why doesn't it have the tag?

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Zippo

It's a bit freaky to talk about this because I never have before. Since my earliest memories I've had incredible energy and light in my chest. I've protected it with tension and secrecy. My chest and heart are a place I've always attacked. I've made cuts down the centre of my chest, tried pushing a knife into my heart, not because I'm suicidal, but I have to go through the motions. I visualize severe chest pain and hope to feel it. Also try to make my heart go wonky. My poor chest and heart take a lot of abuse. Now I have a tens unit that says clearly not to place the electrodes on the heart so I did it right away and got a great buzz and jolts and pain. It was so relaxing, my heart actually doesn't feel so tense anymore. My pulse stays steady and calm. I do it every day and it feels good to have that pain on my chest. It seems like a good alternative to cutting myself, which I haven't done for many years.
The thing is, I don't think this is manic or psychotic, it's just my soul trying to get out and I am afraid my rib cage will crack wide open in public one day and let the light out. I have to protect it.
There, I just had to get that off my chest, literally.

Have you told your pdoc about this or you therapist?

[Zippo]

Originally Posted by Moose72

That's rather triggering. Why doesn't it have the tag?

Didn't know how but now it has one. Thanks for pointing that out.

[Bipnik]

You really need to tell your pdoc or therapist!

[Sunflower123]

I agree.

[Shadesofdark]

I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this. You should take the battery out of your tens and throw it away. Talk to your pdoc about this. If you have a hard time talking to your pdoc about this print out your post and show it to him/her. If you don't have a pdoc call or go to your gp and get a referral. I hope you talk to someone (pdoc or therapist) soon. Please.

[liveforsummer]

I agree I think you should share this with your pdoc, therapist, family doctor...someone. Take care

[Zippo]

I guess I will try to talk to my pdoc as everyone suggests but it is hard because it's always been such a secret and I feel like a freak. But it is overpowering and I need to find out why it happens and what it is. But it is soooooo hard. I can't even say chest or heart out loud. This post was like a practice run to see if I could do it. Speaking it out loud in person is much more risky and vulnerable but I'll try. Thanks everyone.

[liveforsummer]

Originally Posted by Zippo

I guess I will try to talk to my pdoc as everyone suggests but it is hard because it's always been such a secret and I feel like a freak. But it is overpowering and I need to find out why it happens and what it is. But it is soooooo hard. I can't even say chest or heart out loud. This post was like a practice run to see if I could do it. Speaking it out loud in person is much more risky and vulnerable but I'll try. Thanks everyone.

Why don't you write it out then when you see your pdoc just hand him/her the paper. Just a thought. Take care