why is apologizing so hard.

why is it when I apologize to someone for an outburst, I have to tell them my entire mental health history? (even people that don't even know me?)
why do I feel so bad for apologizing afterwards?

why do I feel the need to tell them everything?

[Shazerac]

Just a thought... but it may not be the fact that you are apologizing that is making you feel bad. It may be the WAY you do it.

Including your entire mental health history, especially to a stranger, in an apology is self damaging. You're not taking care of yourself when you do that and it feels bad.

It's entirely ok to just say something like "I apologize for my behavior, it was inappropriate, and I'll try not to let it happen again." And just leave it at that.

AS to why you feel it necessary to include your MI issues, it could be that we as a society are programmed to need an excuse or reason to do or say something harsh. But sometimes stuff just happens.

We all make mistakes and say or do something that is "wrong" for whatever reason. You don't need to drag out your inner life and lay out on the table.

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Just a thought... but it may not be the fact that you are apologizing that is making you feel bad. It may be the WAY you do it.

Including your entire mental health history, especially to a stranger, in an apology is self damaging. You're not taking care of yourself when you do that and it feels bad.

It's entirely ok to just say something like "I apologize for my behavior, it was inappropriate, and I'll try not to let it happen again." And just leave it at that.

AS to why you feel it necessary to include your MI issues, it could be that we as a society are programmed to need an excuse or reason to do or say something harsh. But sometimes stuff just happens.

We all make mistakes and say or do something that is "wrong" for whatever reason. You don't need to drag out your inner life and lay out on the table.

you're right.

it just so happens that my illness is poorly managed, their for any self control is just part of another universe..

I'm an idiot

If you are using your mental illness as an excuse when it doesn't apply, that could be a character flaw which needs addressing. If done right, apologizing is very hard indeed. Personally, what I care about when it comes to apologies is how sincere they are. The next thing I care about is the reason. If someone did something to me that was bad enough to warrant an apology and they said "sorry, I won't do it again" I would not be satisfied at all. People like to believe reasons are excuses but they are much different and anyone with a real mental illness should take this to heart and understand it. Just last night my husband ripped into me and had me in tears.......later he came to apologize, told me why he did it, how it had to do with him and the fear of the changes he is making and it made sense, was very valid and not only did I forgive him, I understood why and that helped me immensely. Some people are very unforgiving....it doesn't matter how you apologize, they are perfect and won't accept it. In those cases we apologize for ourselves. Reasons are important and if someone cares about you or is deserving of an apology, they deserve a reason too. If they care about you, they will care about your reason also. Sometimes our reason is "I have no idea why I did it and I'm sorry" and that is the best we can do. About the only apology I've ever been given that I did not accept was when I was told "yeah, I know I did some terrible stuff to you but god has forgiven me". Now THAT was a terrible apology.

I've always been a pretty closed off person and don't tell people of my issues. I can appear very standoffish, and I've often wondered if I should tell people "I had some stuff happen to me when I'm younger and people make me uncomfortable but I'm trying to get better". I feel that just putting that out there could help me. But some idiots would think I'm just making excuses.....the kind of people I care about and want to make friends with would understand and know better. I might do this going forward.....there are no blanket right or wrongs.....only what works for you and what doesn't. I hope you find what works for you.

[UpDownAround]

I sometimes say "I'm sorry; you are not the person I am upset with and that was rude of me." even if there is no other person; it's still true. The hard one for me is when hypo and saying something inappropriate that I thought would be okay as cheeky humor so I was wearing a smarmy smile when I said it. The apology nearly always comes across as insincere, especially if I have a hard time suppressing that euphoric grin while I apologize. I am so much fun at parties when hypo (NOT!).