[pumpkin89765]

I was 15 and a freshman, sitting 1:1 with a teacher during lunch period. I was supposed to be finishing work, but I felt pressure to chat with the teacher. My brain wanted me to chat. She reminded me to do her work. Than sophomore year started and I was talking about sex in school a lot. CPS was called and they said my mom caused the behavior. Then at the end of sophomore year I did something stupid. I drew 9/11 on a state test. This was a math question about storage bins so I made bin laden jokes. I was laughing but the school wasn't and they took me to a hospital. The hospital just let me go and told me not to do this again. The math question was about blocks in a bin and I made a joke. I was laughing but they weren't. During the summer of that year I had a lot of big ideas. One of them was to invent a real portal like the ones you see on the children's TV show cyber chase. Another idea was to invent a google earth video (kinda like google earth, except you can watch anything live). I actually believed I was going to become a scientist and invent these things, despite not being very good at science.

2 months into my junior year I read an article online and was suddenly very happy. When I spoke I switched from one topic to another easily. I even pointed this out to my math teacher "I can switch from one topic to another easily". I intentionally failed my classes because I thought I was going to win the lottery and become the president, the next MLK or really famous. I thought everyone in America was going to change the constitution for me while I gave a speech in front of a big audience (like MLK did). I was always very hyper, energetic and easily distracted, kinda like ADHD. In math class, I wanted to talk to my classmate as I was distracted and felt pressure to talk. My school had airport style scanning and there was this one security guard at the entrance who described me as "this one is always laughing and smiling". These were her exact words. She said a few times I was always laughing.

I thought I was invincible to the consequences as my special connection to god and god would protect me from the consequences. I thought god put me here for a special purpose. I thought I was smarter than I really was, at unrealistic levels. This is formally called "inflated self-esteem or grandiosity". I spent money on lottery tickets (always with my mom since I was <18 but then she wouldn't let me). I spent money on countless useless things. I thought I was going to win and use the money to make myself famous. . I used to go to an organization in a clinic type building with lots of little offices and I had a plan to buy the building and employ people there to promote my agenda. I went to a fortune teller (who solicited me on the street) and asked what college will I go to. She said Harvard. I literally thought I was going to Harvard. I would also get angry for no reason, mainly at home. I would pace back and forth, taking it out on my mom. I thought my parents were against me, so I never told them my plans. One time I told my sister I was going to become famous. She said she will kill me if I become famous. I told my mom my sister threatened me and she did nothing. I had an argument with my mom over this. I was 17.

A few days before I turned 18, there was a "breaking point" where I realized all the stuff I believed (such as becoming the next MLK or winning the lottery) weren't true. I was devastated and really stressed out because I failed every class. In school at lunch I talked to a girl about being stressed, what she does to cope, etc. I managed to catch up on my work, took summer school and thankfully graduated on time. then I wondered what I went through at 16-18. I thought it was just a teenage thing, but I had a sister who was 2 years younger and didn't act like this. I started college in the spring semester. A month into college something happened. I was in a psychotherapy appointment and read my therapists practice exam book. They did mention a manic episode so I googled it and there it was. I had nearly every symptom in high school.

I did stupid things in HS. I added random people on Facebook, including a friend of a friend who I ended up meeting at the park when it was dark and gave him oral sex. He just took advantage of me and I thought we were going to get married and if I told my parents they will interfere with my plans. But to be honest I hurt myself more offline then online. In a manic episode I said stuff I regret. Online I never used my real name. So anything I said online is not attached to my name. However the things I said in high school came back to me. My friends still say "remember when you said you wanted to become a prostitute?" It's humiliating. I was in an impaired state of mind when I said this and well, that is not me.

It still blows my mind that this went on for 2 years and never received treatment. I went to the guidance counselor weekly from 5-10th grade and not one noticed the signs of bipolar disorder. At that time I thought there was nothing wrong with me and I was opposed to psychiatric treatment but in retrospect I wish I had gotten treatment so I wouldn't have embarrassed myself in high school. I am 21 now and never had a manic episode since. But I worry this will happen again, but I doubt it. If it does, I want someone to get me treatment. I don't need to humiliate myself when I'm an adult who uses my real name online (not here) and my reputation matters more.

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC and to the Bipolar forum!

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home here. There are lots of great forums and plenty of compassionate members, too.

I am sorry you've felt so humiliated at times.
It makes sense to seek assistance during mania.

Are you involved with a therapist/pdoc and taking meds now?

Please be patient, I am sure other posters will come along throughout the next 24 hours or so.

Again, welcome.


WC

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Yes, I've humiliated myself a number of times for a number of reasons all stemming from not being well. It's hard to live down. You are young.....stick with a wellness plan and do your best. (((Hugs)))

[Guiness187055]

Oh God yes! The thing is I didn't realize it until I came down. While I was manic it felt like perfectly normal behavior.

one time in math class, the teacher was asking questions.

teacher: so, can anyone tell me, is 9 a prime number or not

me: burst out laughing

teacher: what's so funny about the number 9?

me (through giggles) nothing, nothing at all!.

it was humiliating for me, and now to this day, everywhere I go, people use the number 9 to try and make me laugh.

it's not funny!. it's a number!

9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9 9

and I didn't laugh once (maybe smile a little at the memory)

another time at school started randomly singing the teletubbies theme tune and bouncing on my chair

plenty of times too where I've just thrown myself at the ground and screamed, made threats, kicked people, punched people, cussed, made insensitive jokes (mainly about imigrants), I've posted pictures of my bottom on facebook (of course I deleted the account now)

oh right

and the time I was served a lovely roast dinner, through it on the floor, stomped my feet on the floor and demanded chips.

everyone behind me loved that. they really did.

not

forgot to mention 1... (again)

last year, during a hospital stay, I knocked a nurse out cold.
when the security guard came to see about it, (this big guy with a booming voice), I ran out in to the carpark. he chased me.. and when he caught up, I gave him a peace of it too.

don't think I knocked him out, but he did leave looking worse for wear

[~Christina]

Yes many times I have when younger.

Sorry you have gone through so much, be pro active and find a Therapist.

Welcome to PC

[Shazerac]

Welcome to psych central

Yes I've done some really whacky, humiliating and bizzare things. The gift of mania. I once packed a bag and left the country in the middle of the night. I've made questionable choices with sexual encounters. I've gotten in a food fight, and I don't mean the fun kind. I mean the throw a whole cooked chicken at someone and the chunking potatoes and veggies.

I bought a $150 sets of tapes on how speak German. I've left the house at 3:00am and ran around the neighborhood in my nighty. I knitted a scarf long enough enough to wrap around th pentagaon. I've initiated heated discussions about politics standing in line at Target. I once told someone that I went hunting, took down and field dressed a dear.

My advice to you is like the others. Be proactive, be evaluated by a trained professional. Don't wait until you careen off the rails to do something.

[Victoria'smom]

All the time.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Oh God yes! The thing is I didn't realize it until I came down. While I was manic it felt like perfectly normal behavior.

My episodes were only hypomanic, but the same applies. I felt what I said and did was right at the time. I have insulted coworkers in software design meetings several times. I felt humiliated when a younger coworker I was mentoring asked me about it. He thought I berated people as part of my strategy to pitch the implementation I was suggesting. He said he wasn't sure he could do that. I told him it was a personality flaw he would do well not to emulate. I had a couple of times when someone sat down with me after a meeting to ask me what the hell was wrong, wondering if I was drunk or stoned because I used incomplete sentences to explain disconnected thoughts. I mentioned in another thread earlier how lucky I am to have low impact on my career.

Yes, once I was in a bad mania and this hot tub owner had a sign of a political candidate I can't stand in his window. I went in and went off on him. In front of lots of customers etc. I did later apologize. It was very embarrassing...

[stopchewinggum]

I stayed up all night trying to decide whether or night I should by apple stock. It wasn't a good decision. Iphones suck.

Also, literally walked around with hands in that stereotypical "gay flamer" pose. I'm not gay male. I was in public. I had just talked department store to give me extra discounts on items I couldn't afford on regular discount. Manic me is a bit of con artist.

I wish I could say no...I pushed a bully to the wall once, but unfortunately that was at work where it wasn't appropriate. Said all kinds of things I shouldn't have.

I thought going on meds would prevent this, but in a less dramatic way, I did embarrass myself at work. Again.

[WildcatVet]

Many times especially when I was younger and more naturally impulsive. It might be an idea for you to at least look into therapy now to hopefully recognize any signs of a relapse...before...it blows full mania.

[SheilaKathy]

Yes, many a time. I am in my mid-60s now, so it is not as bad as it used to be. I have had instances where I went off the deep end, hallucinating and all. I told someone or several someones about what I had seen and heard and I later regretted it. They came to the conclusion that I was crazy. In a sense, I was.

That was before I got diagnosed, before I was taking any medications and before I had any clue that something was wrong with my mind. I believed what I had seen, thought it was real. It wasn't. It took me quite some time to come to the realization that it was a hallucination.

I have had a few other instances of hallucinations too. One was really bad, I consider it my worst one. For 3 days I heard a voice that told me I was going to be arrested for impersonating a police officer. I believed it. The voice went on to tell me all about how I was going to be arrested and go to jail. It told me all about what jail was going to be like. I was scared! I had no clue I was hallucinating. (None of this ever happened).

Later, when I told my psychiatrist, he explained that I have something with my Bipolar that causes hallucinations. I think he prescribed some medication that solves this, because it stopped happening, thankfully!

But, yes, I have embarrassed myself a number of times. Sometimes because of the hallucinations and sometimes just because I have been too talkative or excited or enthusiastic about something, when someone was not at all in the mood to hear about what I was communicating about. I kept on telling them all about it anyway, having no CLUE that I was in a MANIC until I later looked back on the whole situation.

Yes, I have caused myself several messy situations in life, when I have been in manics!

[xRavenx]

Welcome to PC.

I can relate to you and have done a countless things that are embarrassing or that I regret while manic. Therapy helps with certain situations, but time does heal in ways. I am reminded of certain different decisions and when things become a pattern while manic, the same mistakes keep happening. Actually, I am currently feeling sad about a lot of my mistakes. Some embarrassing moments I am able to laugh at now. Humor is an important coping tool to me, and I try to laugh at myself over certain things.

Recent decisions are still following though, usually involving money, being involved with the wrong people, and acting out/saying things in social situations or with friends that make me cringe. Years back, some delusions that became grandiose even affected my decisions at work.
I became very rebellious and thought I had healing powers. All rules go out the window when in a euphoric state of mania.