So me and Fred went our separate ways. It thought that was the end of my troubles. Little did I know it was just the beginning.
My parents had no room at the inn. So a temporary solution was my late grandmothers. The only thing I was dismayed at was the fact she smoked indoors. None of us realised her heath was declining as much as it was.
I was naive and I thought that if I went out on a limb I may be appreciated. But it couldn't be any further from the truth. So I threw myself into writing. I was determined and I cracked it. All the pressure spurred me to uncover the truth. It was a bitter pill to swallow and I unwittingly alienated myself from those who every one thought cared about me.
Because I had been ill I feared that no on would ever take me seiously ever again so I put my neck on the line.
I turned to my nan which is who allways went to when I felt wobbly as she was an auxiliary nurse.Everything was about to catch up on me.
After splitting from Fred I began to see how much I had been manipulated. Instead of feeling liberated, It was as if my wings had been clipped and once out of the cage I was grounded.

I thought that if I was going to escape my past I had to move away to another town or city. I wanted to and needed to start over.
I formulated what I thought was a fail safe plan. I had some money saved so I would find student digs that somebody was renting out for a year and just solely study and I could meet new people and do what I should have done when I was 18. I honestly thought there was nobody left in my life worth staying in my home town for. My family were ashamed I had this cursed condition. It was me against the world.
To quell my lonely feelings I drank every night. Be llhaven best then some drams. I am a liar red wine. I was more screwed up than I cared to admit. But people began to see that maybe I had been taken the p#ss out of by the ex.
I joined a new gym and took karate class. My body was suffering and I began experiencing the start of mild IBS. Looking back I had had tthe constipation for years. I was depressed with my life. I couldnt admit it incase I was forced to go back to Fred.
So I soldiered on. Quit the gym and applied to college. I thought I had nothing left to lose and that I would never get unwell again. But the self sabotage took centre stage and memories of the past coerced me to cut down my bi polar medication.
I had loose ends to tie up with Fred . I went to see him and got a shock. He was evidently unraveling. There was mens health magazines on the table. Weights and exercise equipment everywhere. But he was gaunt and thin not muscular. He had built a patio out the back. Somebody had made up the spare room complete with new bed. All he said when I spoke was whatever. Others must have been worried about him.
My family just left me to rot when I had my second meltdown. The nurses after much wall breaking managed to convince me , that history would just keep repeating itself. I was just cutting my nose off to a spite my face.
I wanted to talk to Fred as we left things up in air. But he dropped off my stuff rang the doorbell and ran. I saw him up town and he is was white as a ghost and had eyes like he had been on drugs. I felt responsible for it.
I had some time to myself now and I realised that he was so much in control of me I was using his jokes which I couldn't stand! I bought a Swiss army knife online. I bought a book shelf and made it myself influenced by M Scott Peck.
I was losing weight quire rapidly due to me cutting meds. I began ranting and raving at inappropriate times and people started to frown. I had even absorbed some of Freds opinions and knowing i was bi, i nearly said something i would regret and couldn't take back. I was on the brink.

[Shazerac]

sapphire

Your going through a lot of changes right now. Why are you cutting your meds? You sound sort of unstable and all over the map. Are you in therapy at the moment? Please be safe.