New Member Here, Would Love Some Help!

Oh boy, where do I begin?

Hi there. I'm new here to the forums on PsychCentral. I'm kind of sitting here at the end of my work day, mostly confused and worn out. It's been a really rough week on me and signs don't really appear to be pointing in a better direction. Oh well, I've learned to live as I am and take things day by day, minute by minute.

I am a 34 year old professional software engineer in the Golden Heart of Interior Alaska. I live in North Pole, and I've never publicly said this before, but I am beginning to feel as if I have good reason to believe I've been riding the bipolarcoaster for a while now...

Before I begin, please note: I have an appointment with my new psych in 16 days. I'm already on the road to diagnosis and to trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside my brain. So please, if you respond to my post, please do not give me a "you need to see a doctor" one-liner. Thanks in advance

I guess I'll start at the "beginning", and I'll try not to make this into a novel, but thanks for reading...

Around Feburary/March of 2016, I had the very worst experience of my life. After a lifetime of built up stress, I had some family news come my way which indirectly led to an emotional break that I'll never forget. Before I knew it, I was in the midst of the worst depression I had ever felt, coupled with irritability -- that maddening irritability -- that made it impossible to think, impossible to work, impossible to enjoy, and impossible to breath. I stared at death in the face for what seemed like an eternity, but was only probably about 2 weeks in duration. In that time, I was a nervous wreck of a zombie. I stopped working (but going to work), I stopped being a parent (but continued the motions), and I stopped seeing past the end of my nose.

It almost felt like a nervous breakdown. I was randomly crying one minute, randomly laughing the next minute (for some time, this didn't last the 2 weeks), and at the same time I was out to write my magnum opus titled "The War Within" -- an epic poetry piece describing exactly how I felt. Except, I stopped after 5 pages because I ran out of steam, but I digress.

After the initial 2 weeks were over, I slowly climbed back out of the deepest depressive hole I've ever seen. It was black. Dark. Stifling. There was no life there, only death. It scared the living hell out of me. The whole was so dark, I forgot I was there at times.

I crawled out of that hole a very, very different person. The "normal" emotional lability that I had always turned into a mind-splitting mess every time it changed. I describe it to my wife, friends, family, and daughter that "I don't really know why, but now I have the emotional skin of rice paper." And it's true. I used to be able to take on the world, but these days since this event I can break by the slightest stressors. My emotional strength for things these days is about as much as a 4 year old can handle. I can do a little bit, but it's not enough to be a productive working professional in a state with super low quality health care in a country with super low quality concern for people who struggle with mental illness. It's eating me alive.

At this point in my story, I should now mention something important: I recently learned who my biological father was -- confirmed by genetic testing -- and that he has bipolar disorder. WTF?

It takes me about a year to climb out of the depressive funk that I put myself in last year. In that time, I find a therapist (at first I called her thinking I had borderline personality disorder, a diagnosis she will not issue) and she subsequently diagnoses me with ADHD.

ADHD, a blast to the past. I always knew I had attention issues. Looking back throughout my childhood, it was pretty clear. I make decent money, but I still can't afford to pay attention, lol! These days, my memory is poor (and getting worse), I have to write everything down, I have like 5 alarms on my phone for doing routine things in my day, and I can't get by anymore without a calendar. My therapist, who specializes in EMDR therapy for trauma, puts me through a year-long EMDR psychotherapy campaign, which turns out to be neat and has proven to be effective in addressing some earlier childhood emotional trauma, and it became A Good Thing to have had done.

Durring my depression, however, I straight away get put on Vyvanse for my ADHD and Bupropion (Wellbutrin) for my depression. It took about 6 months after I started these meds for my depression to lift. And thank god too, I thought depression was going to be my worst enemy. Glad I have something to combat it with now.

But what keeps happening doesn't get explained with ADHD nor does it just get wiped away with "emotional problems". I did pretty well until earlier this year. That fateful day, July 14th, was one of my weirdest days ever. I was looking for some emotional support from family and I perceived that I got blown off. When that happened, my perception of everything turns really fuzzy and now I have a hard time remembering it. I got this rush. This surge. I don't want to call it mania (looking back, it was probably mania), but I go from 0 to 340 mph in a heart beat. I'm super shaky, I see red, and I just cannot calm down. I pack my stuff up at work and I leave. Getting in the car at that moment was (in retrospect, of course) probably a really dumb idea. I'm no longer driving the car, someone else is. My foot is a lead pipe, and my rational mind is flopping out the back of the trunk trying to just hold on. In the 15 minute ride home (usually takes 30 minutes), I easily broke over 100 traffic laws. I at the same time both wanted to run my car into oncoming traffic, but didn't want to die. I wanted to fly. I almost felt as if I could fly -- but then I'd catch myself thinking "get a grip on yourself, just make it home safely". The adrenaline was INTENSE.

My mother calls me on the phone right after that drive and it takes her about 3 hours just to get me to calm down. I chain smoked almost a pack of cigarettes, too. Ironically, I felt a lot better emotionally after my wife and I smoked a bowl of great Alaskan ganja in a secluded spot.

That weekend, I go through what I could possibly only describe it today as having a manic/depressed mixed episode. Amidst the emotional lability, a friend that I hadn't seen in almost 10 years calls me up and wants to hang out. At this moment, I'm really happy. Glad to be alive, glad to not be in jail for getting into an accident and killing someone, etc, etc. I invite him over to where I was staying at the time. Funny thing about this little point in my story, my friend is what you would call an autistic savant. He's both really intelligent and really socially lacking. He has a hard time keeping a job, keeping "normal" friends, etc. Anyway, my mind snowballs into this sort of thought train:

And the next words out of my mouth were, "You can live with me!!"

So as to not leave you in suspense, the next day I talk with my wife and tell her, "I think I made a horrible mistake -- we can't have him live with us, he's too much! I can't handle him right now!" She agreed. Funny thing about some savants, some of them don't forget what you say, stupid or otherwise. He calls me back up a few months ago and he reminds me that I said he could live with me. Being the nice guy that I am with an extra bedroom in his house, I begrudgingly agree, knowing full well what kind of emotional crap comes along with it. And boy, was I right. But, I couldn't leave the guy in the street...

Last week, around Thursday, stress builds up. Three weeks ago my wife had 5 seizures in a row (if that's not stressful to watch, I really don't know what is). I take her to the ER, and "things are fine." I manned up for my wife and my kid, and took it in stride for as long as I could. Well, last Thursday, I break. Again. I feel off the cliff as if I was a piece of scrap paper in a hurricane. I'm crying, feeling better, laughing, feeling horrible, crying, and I feel all of this happening. Around and around the roller coaster is goes.

And then I was reminded of "the bipolarcoaster". And it dawned on me. I could very well be in the middle of an episode right now! I could really have bipolar disorder! Oh @#$%^&*!! My OCD spins out of control and I'm for all intents and purposes quite manic. But not the feel good manic. The really crappy manic where all you can do is remain paralyzed in your desk chair pulling your hair out and bouncing your knee type of manic. Or, at least that's what I've come to suspect. I have no other choice but to ruminate, and ruminate, and ruminate, and ruminate, and freak out.

I've been like this since Thursday. Instantly mad at stupid things, traffic couldn't go any slower, everyone is the worst driver possible, my head feels flushed and it hurts. When the emotions really start getting tacked on, my head feels like it's being pulled towards the pit of hell. It took me almost 2 hours to get out of my car this morning because I just couldn't do it. I'm so emotionally drained right now. It took a lot of will power just to hop onto PsychCentral, create an account, and make this post...

Thank you for reading this far. This is a whole lot more I could say and there's a bunch I haven't said, but I am kind of looking for one main thing right now. I feel like a hypochondriac right now, but I figured I would turn to the experts of bipolar disorder: you fearless, FEARLESS, warriors of such a nasty mental illness... You have my respect.

Pray tell, wonderful folks here on PsychCentral, given my story here today: am I a recognizable fellow traveler on the bipolarcoaster? Or am I wrong ride and need to go to a different theme park? I am not looking for a diagnosis, but more than that, I am trying to wrap my head around my upcoming appointment with my psych and I need to know whether or not I am placing my confidence in the right place, or if I am just way off base here and need to try again... Anyone got any ideas?

Thank you all.

Cheers from Candy Cane Land! (Seriously, North Pole is a real place, google map it!)

Since my posts are moderated, this post probably got lost. Bumping thread in hopes that anyone might be able chime in. Thanks in advance!

It does sound like bipolar is possible. Your driving adventures are very concerning and I'd like to suggest trying to move the psychiatrist appointment up if you possibly can. By the end of 16 days a lot of bad stuff could happen.

It sounds like you also have a lot of stress. Can you limit how long your friend will be staying with you? That would be very hard for me.

I'm not sure what else to say. You obviously need a pdoc but you know that. Welcome to PC.

I'm going to loo up North Pole. I have a niece who pretends she is at the North Pole all the time. She'd love to see pictures from there.

I honestly can't concentrate long enough to read all that BUT

Welcome to PC!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to PC
You describe some things with a familiar feel, so you're probably not completely off base. I'll echo BeyondtheRainbow's concerns about the driving and having the friend staying. Can you call the Pdoc's and get on a cancellation list to possibly get in sooner?

I agree, I get scared when I have these "driving fits" (thank goodness they don't happen often, just a bit more often recently than normal, which is why I'm also concerned). Oddly, I haven't thought about trying to move the appointment up. I'm still relatively new to seeing doctors, as I've had a general distrust of doctors and the medical establishment for a long time. Since seeing a pdoc and a therapist for a year and half or so, my fears have gotten less :P Thank you for the suggestion!

I do have a lot of stress. As my therapist put it once, "North, it seems like you just don't know how to self sooth," and I can say it'd be an accurate statement. I don't know how to handle my emotions anymore other than to bottle it all up, which invariably results now in feeling like I go crazy sometimes.

Hehe, North Pole. Good times. When it starts snowing (odd, right??) I'll post a picture of our candy cane land in its glory. Tell your niece that Santa says Hi, eh?

PS: for what it's worth, I started feeling better yesterday and today I'm doing fantastic. I just hope to stay at this wonderful baseline for the next two weeks or until I can get an expedited appointment.

Haha, no worries, it's now glossing me over too :P Thank you!!

Thank you for the warm welcome!

Thanks for letting me know I may not be off base here. Before BeyondtheRainbow's reply, I didn't think to try to move up my appointment any sooner. If I remember tomorrow, I'll give it a shot.

Re: driving. I started feeling better yesterday and I'm doing great today. I even drove home nice and calm after work; I was happy about that. I'm going to try to maintain this nice baseline for the next two weeks if I can't get my appointment sooner.

I'm kinda new to this whole pdoc, therapist, GP thing... how do you guys who struggle with their mood find ways on being patient while your life seemingly (sometimes) falls apart? Like, when it gets real bad, is the only option going IP or something, or can you generally "hang on" until "the date"?

Sounds like you have been suffering considerably. So glad you have a pdoc appointment set up. I would also consider getting it move up if possible. As others have mentioned, eliminate added stressors for now. In addition to a pdoc consult, I'd recommend seeing a good neurologist in order to rule-out any aspect which may be more neurological in origin.

Welcome to PC!
Please keep yourself safe.
Keep us posted so we can lend support.


WC

Wow, good luck with your appt. That is quite a story.

I never quite thought of it as suffering considerably, but I suppose in thinking about it, it's been a bit of a rough ride... :P Thank you for your support

I'll look into seeing a neurologist, that might not be a bad idea. I hadn't thought of it considering my history -- it makes sense that this emotional buildup has been just ... well, buildup... Thank you for the suggestion!

Thanks again for the warm welcome. One of the reasons for joining this forum is so that I could do just that. It helps me to let things out, for sure.

I'll keep you posted!

Thank you, I appreciate it. Thanks for reading

I never welcomed you.

so hi..

welcome to psychcentral

(((((hugs)))))

I really hope this forum helps you

Thank you very much

That's a super common question, even among people who've struggled with this for many years, so you're very much not alone in that. It's hard to gauge sometimes! The general concensus seems to be that when you do not feel safe, you should definitely go in. And beware of impulsiveness, if you are waffling about it and feeling impulsive, that is dangerous and therefore also means you are unsafe. If you have intent, you are definitely unsafe. It is often said if you are wondering if you should go in, you should.

In going in, you may or may not actually be put IP for a variety of reasons (some of them rather deplorable), but that doesn't mean you should risk your safety in not going in. At the very least, you will be some time in a safe environment.

And sometimes we just ride it out. You know, when it doesn't meet criteria, and we feel that we can. And often that is a matter if knowing oneself and one's ... experience(?) with it. If you're not sure, better to play it safe.

One of the ways that can help people ride it out is distraction.

Does that help answer it somewhat?

Sorry but I too have difficulty reading lengthy text, but wanted to say welcome as well!

Your answer helps a lot, actually. At the end of your reply, the words "Know Thyself" popped into my head and it makes a lot of sense.

I've definitely had times where all I could think about was whether I should go the ER or not. I've never tried going IP because, frankly, the idea of being in a locked ward scares the hell out of me. I very much value my freedom... I just wish there was a way to be in a safe environment, so to speak, while knowing you still have the option of just walking out. I think I could easily do a string of day programs, if such were available. There's still a lot I have to learn.

I have many questions about going IP, but I'll keep the question load on the light side for now and just begin by asking, how can a person manage their life "on the outside" (paying bills, seeing to the needs of your family, etc) while trying to get stable, do medication management, recovering, etc while "on the inside"? I've read stories where in most cases, it's little better than jail. Can't have your cell phone? WHAT? I mean, I get some of the safety precautions the institutions have to make, but why lump everyone in the same boat together? Eep!, questions just keep leaking out!

So far I've been able to ride it out. I have no intention on ending my life, despite how strong the ruminations get. Thank god for my daughter and my family, they really help in getting me to hang in there. But I get the feeling that you're suggesting that going IP should be considered beyond just preventing suicide or self-injury -- is that correct? I'm not sure I've been to the point where my logical mind has taken a 100% back seat, but are you in a way suggesting that it's possible to just "lose it" and wake up somewhere, as if you blacked out from a long night of college party fun? If so, are there ways and signs that you know of that would tell me that "that point is on the horizon"?

Thank you for your responses, Innerzone, I feel like I'm being understood and getting somewhere. Cheers to you!

Not a problem at all Thank you for the warm welcome!