More of the same... from me

I’m confused, I thought I was doing okay. Then I went to WAWA’s I had to wait for our drinks without my husband near me, he was pumping gas. I looked homeless, I felt everyone staring at me. I almost left without the drinks. I got to the car and told my husband. He said I’d be just as paranoid if I stayed in the car and he got the drinks. He’s right. I usually pick the lesser of the two evils. Which one I will have less paranoid thoughts.

I’m starting to think my husband and I would do better separated but how is that going to happen if I can’t even get drinks before flipping out. Right now I wish I thought of him as my god again instead of us separating being best. I can’t tell him about it without hurting him. I still look homeless right now but I don’t care at least I don’t smell. It costs $500 for a divorce so even if he did agree it would take about a year to save that much but he won’t agree. I’m sleeping to avoid everyone/thing. I just don’t know what to do. I’m hoping this passes. What if I do really want a divorce? What if I’m just paranoid of him too? What if all I want is to self destruct? What if I’m preparing myself to exit life? How do I know for sure? I don’t want new meds or up on my meds. I’ve lived like this as long as I remember. They deserve so much better than me.

That's just your depression talking. Your family would be lost without you. Take care.

You wanted to divorce him every year since I met you here .

I think you walk yourself in a corner often.

You both love each other. Not everyone has that in life.

Be kind to yourself and family

I know it's often I want to divorce him usually when I'm really sick. So I'm struggling with whether or not I really want this. I know we're awesome together when we're well. He's never said he wants a divorce it's always me.

I think the past has given you the answer if you would just be willing to see it. He knows you have problems, but he is willing to stick it out for you. I do not know of anyone who would do the same for me. So let him take care of himself and make his own decisions. I do not think you should try to make them for him.

“I know it's often I want to divorce him usually when I'm really sick.”

“I know we're awesome together when we're well.”

Make decisions when you have a sound mind. You will be able to see and understand your situation much much better.

Take care.

How do I know when I'm well enough? I feel well now but I'm guessing I'm not given my thoughts.

So I'm mixed? My sister made me eat. I'm so pissed at her but I can't show it. She's manic so it's hard right now for both of us. I've had to take the ambein the last two night to fall a sleep. I'm a little impulsive but I don't want to throw up on my bed/blanket. but definitely in the okay if it happens category. I'm kinda okay with whatever happens. I didn't realize how small those pills are. We have my nephew again this week and I'm starting to detest him but there's nothing we can do we have him week days and he goes to his mom's the weekends.

Thinking of you.
Please take care.

WC

I think my affect is wrong really dark thoughts sound fun/funny. I really wish my T noticed and I didn't have to ditch her. Or I could explain it to my pdoc without getting my words caught up. I'm thinking we'll save as much as we can. but why would I do that I have Christmas coming up.