Impulsivity almost got me hurt today

SorryShaped · Dec 21, 2017, 07:29 PM

I was feeling very rough after my therapist appointment. It hurts talking about a lot of this stuff, and I don't wait for the wound to start closing before I rip the bandage off.
Afterwards, I met this really nice woman outside and her ride was an hour late. Turns out she and I used to have the same prior pdoc and again have the same new pdoc. I offered her a ride and she accepted. She offered me in. Sure for a minute but I needed to go workout.
She gave me a bottled water, which was funny because I'd just opened one in the truck and offered her one, which she accepted but didn't open and left in the truck.
She said she needed to eat and started microwaving something from the freezer. I asked if I could be nosey about her condition and she said "bipolar one, currently in mania, and nymphomania." She then raised an eyebrow at me.
She asked if I wanted some food when it was ready and I thanked her but declined because I wanted to go to the gym. She asked if she could show me a good workout as she put her arms around me.
I wanted to leave but also not leave. Baser instincts took hold and something me and my therapist had just spoken about flew right out the window. I have no self-control!
We were kissing and groping each other in her kitchen. Her phone rings with "you've lost that loving feeling" playing.
She says "that's my boyfriend calling. He probably just got there to pick me up. Hurry up!"
No! We are done! I left immediately. What the hell was I thinking? This was so stupid and obviously dangerous. I saw pictures of them together on the fridge when she opened the door and deliberate ignored the one with the heart frame on it. He looks like he works out by breaking guys like me in half.
I need help for this. Serious help. I felt bad before but worse after. I got to the gym as fast as I could and started working out. I was and still am so angry at myself. I started crying because I'm so mad at myself and left the workout room with my head down. I could barely move on the machine. I went to where yoga class is held because I knew it'd be empty and dark. I've been sitting on a mat in the corner crying for a while now. I really just talked to my therapist about this exact thing! Impulsive is taking complete control of my life! I know better, or do I? I knew I should feel guilty about doing that with someone I'd spoken with less than 20 minutes. I'm so angry right now. My face hurts from all the crying and my eyes are very swollen. It's very bad to behave like any of this. I need to be locked up by myself forever. Is this why some people keep trying to back to jail, because they can't function in normal life? I want to be a good person. I'm not at all. I keep holding my breath to stop crying and almost passing out.

SorryShaped · Dec 21, 2017, 07:41 PM

As if it weren't enough already. Some high school jerks came in, saw me and probably heard me. They left laughing and making fun. I deserve it. I deserve them doing it in front me to my face. I'm now going to do my best to get out of the gym without looking at anyone

Tucson · Dec 21, 2017, 07:50 PM

They were not understanding and respectful toward you. We all make mistakes, and sometimes big ones. I can be impulsive and do crazy things like playing tag with the cars out there on the road. So be easy on yourself. You got to understand that you are a worthwhile person. No one should be able to take that away from you.

SorryShaped · Dec 21, 2017, 08:10 PM

@Tucson, apparently I'm doing a really good job at taking it away from myself.
I almost made it to the car and I heard "sir! Sir! You lost your headphones! Sir!"
Almost made it.
A young girl came running up with my headphones.
"I think you dropped these."
"Thank you."
"You were crying upstairs, weren't you?"
"Yeah. I thought everyone could tell that." I started trying to walk away again.
"Ignore them. They're my brother's friends and all of them are a--holes. I just get a ride here with them so I can run. They told me about you and I went to check but you were gone."
"Was about to be." I turned to walk onward, but the next thing she did made me stop cold
She started talking. "It's ok to be sad. It's ok to cry and it's ok to try to hide it but sometimes we can't. I cried in front of my class last week when I got a D on my history project, right after my boyfriend broke up with me the day before Christmas break. I was so mad I couldn't stop crying. My aunt had to come get me from school. I was so embarrassed."
"I'm sorry you're having trouble too. Thank you. Mine's kind of more complex than that. Life's harder when you keep making the same bad choices over and over. Go back to your friends and forget about me."
"Could I give you a hug? You need a hug."
I'm not going to turn down a hug, not after that. She hugged me and said I hugged like her daddy. I haven't hugged my own daughter 5 times this year. I've only seen her 4.
I feel better because of this young lady's kindness. Things in this world are so messed up. Some people aren't, but I don't know any. That kid is awesome.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 21, 2017, 08:10 PM

Ah I'm very sorry.

They can get stuffed, if they were laughing at you. A decent person would have asked if you were alright. They're not as in touch with their feelings as you are.

As for the girl with the boyfriend, it's painful to watch you punishing yourself for it. A lot of people would have been tempted, in the same situation.

Purple,Violet,Blue · Dec 21, 2017, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

@Tucson, apparently I'm doing a really good job at taking it away from myself.
I almost made it to the car and I heard "sir! Sir! You lost your headphones! Sir!"
Almost made it.
A young girl came running up with my headphones.
"I think you dropped these."
"Thank you."
"You were crying upstairs, weren't you?"
"Yeah. I thought everyone could tell that." I started trying to walk away again.
"Ignore them. They're my brother's friends and all of them are a--holes. I just get a ride here with them so I can run. They told me about you and I went to check but you were gone."
"Was about to be." I turned to walk onward, but the next thing she did made me stop cold
She started talking. "It's ok to be sad. It's ok to cry and it's ok to try to hide it but sometimes we can't. I cried in front of my class last week when I got a D on my history project, right after my boyfriend broke up with me the day before Christmas break. I was so mad I couldn't stop crying. My aunt had to come get me from school. I was so embarrassed."
"I'm sorry you're having trouble too. Thank you. Mine's kind of more complex than that. Life's harder when you keep making the same bad choices over and over. Go back to your friends and forget about me."
"Could I give you a hug? You need a hug."
I'm not going to turn down a hug, not after that. She hugged me and said I hugged like her daddy. I haven't hugged my own daughter 5 times this year. I've only seen her 4.
I feel better because of this young lady's kindness. Things in this world are so messed up. Some people aren't, but I don't know any. That kid is awesome.

Yay. That's brilliant!

Naynay99 · Dec 21, 2017, 11:51 PM

Double post

Naynay99 · Dec 21, 2017, 11:52 PM

I loved the story of the girl who was being kind to a stranger. Restores my faith in humanity when I hear nice things like that.
As for the hook up incident, its good to want to change impulsive behaviors we don't like about ourselves, but beating yourself up for it will only make you feel worse. What if a friend told you that same story- would you berate and judge them as harshly as you are to yourself. You should be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.

SorryShaped · Dec 22, 2017, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Naynay99

I loved the story of the girl who was being kind to a stranger. Restores my faith in humanity when I hear nice things like that.
As for the hook up incident, its good to want to change impulsive behaviors we don't like about ourselves, but beating yourself up for it will only make you feel worse. What if a friend told you that same story- would you berate and judge them as harshly as you are to yourself. You should be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.

I don't live inside my friend's head. I have to live with me 24/7. No matter how I try to cover up, ignore, or act in spite of myself, I'm stuck with me forever.

Dec 22, 2017, 12:16 AM

I'm sorry you went through this. I've made (in my opinion) a much worse impulsive mistake this year. I really beat myself up for it. Actually I still do. The thing is we all make mistakes. I know it doesn't feel like it, but its okay. Hugs.

SorryShaped · Dec 22, 2017, 12:24 AM

I am letting it go but at the time I was so messed up feelings-wise. I was excited about doing something, not only that I knew I shouldn't, but partly BECAUSE I knew I shouldn't. I rebel against me now

SorryShaped · Dec 22, 2017, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Ah I'm very sorry.

They can get stuffed, if they were laughing at you. A decent person would have asked if you were alright. They're not as in touch with their feelings as you are.

As for the girl with the boyfriend, it's painful to watch you punishing yourself for it. A lot of people would have been tempted, in the same situation.

The thing is, I didn't want to go inside, not logically. I had a very strong feeling that it was a very terrible idea. I almost certainly knew it was a bad idea to go in. My impulsiveness told me to "go in, this is gonna be fun. She's very sexy and probably too young for me." She did put her hand on my leg when she reached over to shake my hand before getting out, then slide it up my thigh a little. This had to be deliberate because there's a foot-wide divider between the seats. I should have said "no" because I already knew that she's probably not mentally well, as evident by where I met her. I need to listen to logical me, but he's so boring all the time.

Victoria'smom · Dec 22, 2017, 12:20 PM

You got out of there before making a bigger mistake. That's all that counts.

SorryShaped · Dec 22, 2017, 12:22 PM

And suddenly none of this matters.
One of my kids' sister in law just died! Two little girls. I can't process this

Victoria'smom · Dec 22, 2017, 12:25 PM

Can you call your T and ask for a sooner appointment. I know you just had one but this is really important.

SorryShaped · Dec 22, 2017, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can you call your T and ask for a sooner appointment. I know you just had one but this is really important.

It's not an option. He's out of town already. Florida.
My heart rate was over 200 on the elliptical. I wasn't pushing hard even. My problems seem stupid and self absorbed and pointless waste of time for everyone, much as I feel to be right now.

Victoria'smom · Dec 22, 2017, 01:36 PM

Your problem aren't stupid, self absorbed or pointless. They're real and need to be dealt with. Just because others have different difficulties doesn't invalidate yours.