I hate me

How do I deal with myself? I overspent on christmas. I have about $20 in cash for gas and $18 for food until the 1st. I don’t have money for christmas projects to distract me from my scilents. My son’s on winter break and I want to take him to the amusement park before our passes expire. I don’t want to be home all I do is sit silent sit on the computer doing nothing. I mean I mostly stare at the screen. At least I’m listening to music now. I have to make it through if I don’t my husband and son won’t make it through that. I feel like I feel nothing, I’m stuck. I try to sleep through this feeling but I can’t sleep. If anyone talks to me it startles me and my reaction is to be a ***** and end the conversation as fast as I can, even with my husband. I don’t want to be intimate because it’s too much work and I get bored and just done with trying to become interested the first couple of minuets. I’m learning I’m not a nice person, not the funny kind. If I talk it’s to tell my husband and son to do some chore they forgot about. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t know or like this person. I want off meds at least then I have feelings, could be happy, angry, whatever. I had fun. I know the psychosis ****ed with me but I could be happy. Is this a negative symptom? I smile when I need to, I still don’t talk. I feel like even stable I’m getting worse. I lack personality when I’m okay. I know when everything settled I’m in the more low end of mood. I wish I never met my husband. I don’t usually regret anything but I wish I didn’t subject anyone to me.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Do you feel like you are over medicated?

I'm on low dose of both meds, 100 mg lamictal and 10 mg of Zyprexa. I'm worried this is just me. I tend to worry I'm under-medicated not over-medicated.

I am sorry you are having some negative feelings. This sounds like depression????
bizi

If it is I've been like this for a while.

It is depression.

I am sorry you are suffering.

WC

I think you've got your inner demons and you're trying to cope. It happens to the best of us. I think everyone acts this way at least once in their life, even those without MI. I'm not saying it's ok to treat people this way, but I'm saying that i think most people can empathize and realize that something is wrong, based on their personal experiences.

That said, why not open up to your husband and son about how you feel? They've likely had a similar experience, as I've said. If you feel you're insulting people etc, it's ok to talk to them and say that you're upset, even if you don't want to disclose full details. Communication helps and people can be very understanding if you open up.

I am open with my husband. He blames himself like he smothered the personality out of me. He's quick to talk even if the question isn't directed at him. He likes to talk. I'm kinda just in the background when we talk to other people.