Gah

You're going to be ok. This is a bad spot right now for everyone. You will make it through. Remember this, a lot of, probably most, people have an especially excruciating time during December. You aren't the only one in pain or suffering. Most of them hide it behind a mask. You can come here, to PC, to take off that mask. Out there, practice using your mask. Don't let anyone you don't trust know what you're feeling. Be polite, be witty, appear however it's expected of you. I do. I then come here or my very few other places, and become myself again. My family has only the tiniest idea how much everything stresses me out, because they'll tell me to "just suck it up and be a man" which is exactly the same as saying "we don't care how you feel." Guess what, and this is sad, those people don't care how you feel, because they're too wrapped up in how they feel. Isn't society crap? If you need the job, wear the mask. Come back here to crash if ever you need to. We'll be around for you.

I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then don't. Walk away from it before it consumes you.
Is that what you wanted to hear?

No. Idk what I want. I'm so anxious and having self harm urges again

All jobs in the US are protected by a "mental health day." You may use it at any time. Take it if you need it.

Meg, of The White Stripes, walked off the stage after 2 chords when she couldn't do it any more. They were one of the hottest rock bands around at the time. She failed epically

Would you feel comfortable talking to your supervisor about how you are feeling?

I'm gonna talk to her. I work with my former t so we chatted today and she asked me how I was doing and I finally fessed up. She reminded me how hard this time of year is for me and encouraged me to push forward.

I thought we were all doing that, encouraging

You are. She knows a few more things about me to help. I appreciate everyone helps

I'm sure she does know more about you and probably knows more about therapist things, certainly more than I.

Bring lotion to smell and use breathing exercises.

Im proud of you for reaching out.

I'm feeling a bit better knowing I'm off for a week. No self harm today so much better