[HALLIEBETH87]

I haven't had a mixed episode in a hot minute. I feel like I'm. Going ****ing crazy. My heart rages from anxious energy yet I can't get motivated to do things except cry. My thoughts are dark today with wanting to not be here. Everything all at once. I'm going crazy.

[Vaporeon]

Do you think an Ativan would help? I see that you take it as needed. I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

[Victoria'smom]

Try to take a nice hot shower. That's the way I can cry in peace. It makes me feel so much better.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I did take Ativan and a nap and feel a bit calmer

[HALLIEBETH87]

I feel doomed inside like nothing will be ok. I'm having bad thoughts and wish I was never born. I'm determined not to self harm anymore

[tecomsin]

I get that doomed feeling too, but not the self-harm part, so i don't know that anything I might say could help but I'll try...

Sometimes I forget to breath deeply. It's like the anxiety and dread of life, wraps me in a ball and makes me afraid of occupying space in the universe. It is worse in the morning... I just try to remember to breath and remember that it will not always feel the way it does when going through a rough stretch.

[HALLIEBETH87]

The Ativan helped some today. My dr wants me to take it on days I'm off work and then days I work take it after I get off. It makes me kinda sleepy. I feel so pathetic about stress from a job causing me this much trouble. I just can't fail. My therapist isn't sure this job is good for me. My aunt thinks the same. It's a really good job that I am having trouble with. If I need ip I won't get fired or lose my job over it which is a blessing. I don't wanna end up
Ip but I seem to every year around December-February. So far I have made it but idk hoe much my coping skills will keep me sane right now. I'm trying.

I'm starting to have those bad thoughts about not wanting to be here.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I wish it wasn t Christmas. I'm
Not in the holiday mood at all. I'm trying to be cheerful but it's proving to be very difficult.
I'm supposed to go to my aunts tomorrow and I'll be surrounded by family which normally I look forward to. This year I wanna hide in my room.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm
Such a. Burden to everyone in my life. It's always something. I wish I was never born.

[~Christina]

Im glad you were born

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm really struggling to look "happy" today.

[tecomsin]

I know what you mean. It takes so much effort some days to put on the happy face and pretend to be normal. You don't have to look happy here. Thank heavens for the internet.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm happy to be home and away from everyone. I just wanna go to bed and stay there forever

[HALLIEBETH87]

I keep getting asked what my problem is and why I'm in a bad mood and I'm not even saying much. I guess I just look how I feel. I did my best.o Ne more Christmas and it'll be over til next year. I have prep stuff to do but I just wanna go to bed! I'm dreading going back to work Wednesday. I'm having deep dark thoughts of exploring ways not to have to live anymore. If I saw my t today and were 100% honest he'd send me
Ip.

[Victoria'smom]

When do you see your T again?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

When do you see your T again?

Not until friday

[Victoria'smom]

Can you wait that long?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I will wait because I have no choice

[Victoria'smom]

Keep talking here and try all the coping skills you have. If you can call pdoc on tuesday.

[Guiness187055]

I feel your pain. I am finding myself landing quickly in your boat.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I just saw my pdoc. Both he and t say I'm mixed right now. I see him again in a month

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I just saw my pdoc. Both he and t say I'm mixed right now. I see him again in a month

Please take care.

WC

[bpforever1]

I was manic this morning and was irritable. I took my medication and calmed down. I know how you feel. It sucks to be ill. I see my doc this week. Thank goodness.