[Cornucopia]

Hi all,

Just wanted to share some of my thoughts and why I might belong here.
And because I wants a place I can share things during the waiting for examination and therapy when that time comes.

I am not diagnosed, but my doctor suspect bipolar. I have agreed to be sent for an psychological examination. My doc would probably say 'finally…' and he did plead for me to not change my mind before getting an appointment. Can take a couple months or more.

I assume the reason for his concern is the fact that I was hospitalized, by force, eighteen months ago. I was in a manic state of mind, also got psychotic and a bit suicidal- but only when people interfered me during my manic state. All by myself I was doing great. I told them I would get back to normal if they just had the ability to leave me alone. Told them they were not smart enough to understand what was going on anyway, and that I was not even gonna bother trying to explain to them. 'They' were my doctor and my husband. The last one had contacted the first one, and then my doctor asked me to come see him. I did. But I didn't tell him anything, because I considered him unable to understand anyway. I told him I could agree to talking to my old psychiatrist. I had been going to therapy for two years, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, something was lurking in the deep of my mind. I was in search for answers.

I left the doctor. Soon after an ambulance came to pick me up at home. That was kind of embarassing, of course. I asked my husband if I had done something bad. He said I had done nothing, it was the words spoken that concerned him. And the fact that I had not slept more than few hours for a couple weeks, nor taken a shower.
I knew I had to go with them, and I knew that if I didn't act polite they would use force. So, I sat there, in the ambulance next to my husband. I whispered to him, and sat like a perfect behaving human being. My thoughts racing, concluding that if I only behave they will have to let me go home eventually.

Long story short. I was put in closed ward. Refused medication, and refused to eat for the first two days- because I was convinced they would put medication in my food. I did agree to taking sleeping pills, because I knew I needed sleep to balance this madness going on. Released after a week. Refused to talk to anyone while being there. Told the psychiatrist she wasn't smart enough, and I would only talk to her if she had knowledge of the dabrowski theory of positive disintegration. (Which she didn't have, and she also got mad at me for being so happy and proud about all this. That was when I told her she wasn't smart enough, after her refusing to talk about the theory I requested we talk about)

Why I have agreed to do this now is because my habitual state of mind has changed. I am normally always in a state of hypomania, or, used to be. I was never depressed. My old psychiatrist actually said it was weird, this constant happy-go-lucky manic thing fixing everything. Sometimes made me exhausted. Like having an inner coach always bugging you to keep going. Always some projects going on, always positive, to the extent of being exhausting for myself. Collapsing into frustration every now and then, but not really depressed.

Last year has been different. I have been more frustrated than energetic. Restless frustrating feeling. I didn't use to have much feelings at all until that manic episode. My psychiatrist once compared me with a robot, from star wars actually. I analyze everything from a scientific point of view, and I only had feelings on the positive specter. The ones on the negative specter I rarely allowed myself to feel. My brain always analyzed it faster than my feelings could feel it.
I agreed because even though I am not depressed I really hate this restless feeling of boredom. It takes so much energy trying to act normal. I get easily frustrated and I feel everything is in slow motion.

I do work full-time as a manager. Everyone seem happy with me, except me. I am bored, my tasks are getting more boring than fun. My legs get restless and I get the sense of needing to pee (like when you have infection, but I don't), or I get fidgety with my hands. Inside I want to scream. But I don't. I am not sure if it is my intelligence that makes me seem like bipolar, or if it is my intelligence making me able to cope with the bipolar. (I have been tested, I am highly gifted)

And, of course, this state also makes me tired. All the time. I don't have the energy to do both my work and keeping the house tidy. So my husband does more than he should, making him frustrated.

Lol, my story is even longer. And some parts my shed more light on all this, but yeah. I have starting reading here and I see why they suspect bipolar. I am able to agree, on a certain level.
My psychiatrist never diagnosed me, we agreed I didn't need any label, atleast not at that time. I did use ritalin for a year, in the start of the therapy. And that did calm me down. Later I found coping-strategies and then I quit.

I did of course read about bipolar after I was hospitalized, and I don't drink alcohol anymore and I have been more active and my bmi is normal. Actually I stopped drinking several years ago, because that really mess me up. I try to sleep regulary.
All of that is helpful when I am happy. But in this restless frustrated state I have been in for several months it doesn't seem to help. I either can't sleep, or I sleep too much and still feel tired.

And the dreams have changed. From interesting scientific discussion in my dreams I have started dreaming bizzare and vivid nightmares. I know something is going on.

Maybe this post is bits and pieces, long story in one post- sorry about that.


I think they will diagnose me. My doc thinks so atleast. And well, I am a bit subjective, even though my self-awareness is high, it is of course easier for others to tell.

I know it only takes one severe mania to get diagnosed. But shouldn't I be depressed aswell? Maybe I am not because I have settled with life not having a meaning, except for the meaning we make ourselves. I have to be here for my children. And my goal is to make some sort of positive meaning while being here. Small positive thing is enough- give someone a smile, help someone back to work. (I do that, I employ people struggling, and I do help them)
Like I told my doc, isn't that funny- I seem to be able to help other people, but I can't seem to get myself out of the restless frustrating state of mind.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Cornucopia: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Teddy Bear]

Welcome to PC

[Cornucopia]

Thanks for the welcome
I did consider introducing myself, but then my thoughts got all "I'm not even diagnosed, so not much to say" (said the chatty one )

Yeah, I can see you are a great community in here, and I will become more active when I have "settled" in in the forum, sort of. Lurking and reading a bit. Some things I want to reply on, but feel I need to wait- I am a newbie, and would like to be careful with replying to things I don't have enough experience with.

But yeah, I assume I will become an active one. I like communicating with others.
(Said the person who sometimes goes into hibernation in real life for lengthy times…)



Doing fine these days, I have felt a bit calmer after telling my doc that I do have struggles I keep to myself. Being able to manage most of them doesn't mean they are not there. We'll see, I am a bit up and down. Even regarding whether I believe my doc is right or not

[seoultous]

Welcome to the forum.
I find it interesting that you were hospitalized and not given a diagnosis. Or am I reading this all wrong?
Anyway, thanks for sharing.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC.

[Cornucopia]

Originally Posted by seoultous

Welcome to the forum.
I find it interesting that you were hospitalized and not given a diagnosis. Or am I reading this all wrong?
Anyway, thanks for sharing.

That is correct, I refused to talk to them. I did manage to become stable without medication. My papers says I was manic. Released in habitual-state after a week.
I never asked for a diagnosis, nor did I want them to. I told them they were not smart enough. (Lol, I assume that only made them more sure)

I am wondering if they already have diagnosed me, atleast suspect it, and just waiting for me to come in a be checked a bit more. Okay, I do admit I am a bit paranoid and anxious at times as well.

[BipolaRNurse]

Technically, one can be diagnosed as bipolar if they have a single episode of mania, even without depression. I'm rather surprised that you didn't get a "label" in the hospital...that's where almost every inpatient is diagnosed. Still, I wouldn't be in any hurry to get that label, because once you have it, it follows you forever. Wishing you the best, and welcome to PC.

[Cornucopia]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Technically, one can be diagnosed as bipolar if they have a single episode of mania, even without depression. I'm rather surprised that you didn't get a "label" in the hospital...that's where almost every inpatient is diagnosed. Still, I wouldn't be in any hurry to get that label, because once you have it, it follows you forever. Wishing you the best, and welcome to PC.

Not in a hurry, I think that is why I am not diagnosed. In my country they rather not label people unless the illness is a disadvantage for the person. I assume they are pretty sure I'm bipolar, after that manic episode, but I got stable by myself. I left the hospital. A few months later I got myself a full-time job, after being on sick-leave for exhaustion almost a year. (I have been working all my life until that year, I am 38 years old).
I also told them it was merely a work-accident, I was fixing something inside my brain, and it was a temporary neuro-psychosis.

Thing is that my husband finds me a bit hard to live with at times, because I am lacking energy to do anything (still not depressed, or maybe I am, just not suicidal) when I am bored at work. My body react in a way that is not normal. I am very energetic when I am in that state, and just as drained when I am not.
I have therefor agreed to talk to someone, and atleast listen to what they have to say. My doctor was really happy about that decision, so I get a feeling that they see more difficulties than I do myself.

If I get diagnosed I will try my best to be a positive voice for this, not only focus on the bad things, but show that many of us living with this could function better with more understanding and that we can be resources for society if they just help us out a bit. Of course, some can't work at all, but everyone deserves to be seen as a whole human being, not only as an illness. There are many lovely people living with this. I have read here for a while, and you all seem to be very including and warm people- caring for eachother, even when struggling with a hard phase yourself.

All the best,
C

[Cornucopia]

I wanted to update this (I sometimes read old threads, and I do like when it have an "ending", so I will update it later on as well, and let it die out when it is concluded)

I got an appointment, in March. Yeah, things take time until you get appointments when not going private.
I also got some forms to fill out to take with me.
Mini screening
Beck anxiety inventory
Beck depression inventory
Circumflex of interpersonal problems
And also one to map the problems/needs regarding family/work.

I did read through them, and answered them in my thoughts, and I also read about them afterwards. I do know what the result will be if I am honest, there is no doubt about that.

Thing is, this both feels relieving, and also a bit upsetting. Even if I answer when I control symptoms, it`s pretty clear. If I am honest, there is no doubt at all. It`s not like it`s in the grey area.

Besides, all this- not being in denial, and actually considering that I might actually be bipolar for real, not just something they think makes me uncomfortable. I remember how puberty was, and from then on, everything seems to fall into place. There are things that makes me uncomfortable seeing in this new light. So obvious, and also scaring and sad to take in.
Some things are like nightmares, I remember things I don`t want to remember.

My mind is a mess at the time being, I somehow hoped this would make me better. I always think a lot, and this has added a new filter to old things, making my mind race even more. I get this feeling again: you can make it go away if you hide it deep inside again.
I know I can`t, after the hospital episode it has been lurking inside, but not deep enough. What I used to control, seems to be stronger now.

Well, I am doing pretty okay, don`t get me wrong. I just feel like a ticking bomb, inside, not outside.

[Nola0250]

Hi,

I am pretty newly diagnosed too - about a month! but knew from my therapist about a month before that and i remember how agonizing it was to wait that month - and you have to wait even longer. My therapist recommended I take an OTC lithium oratate supplement in the meantime and hemp-based CBD capsules which also may have antimanic and antipsychotic properties. I came very close to losing it in a mixed manic state that might have gotten me hospitalized, but I really think those supplements helped "take the edge off" and get me through to the appointment. FYI, the OTC lithium oratate you can get at the health food store has somewhere between 1/10th and 1/4th of the lowest dose of prescription lithium. A lot of people take it because there's some new evidence it might help prevent/delay alzheimer's.

Best of luck to you in your upcoming appointment!

If it helps, after a month of medication (very slow titration of lamictal) I feel close to normal. I still have some racing thoughts and unwanted intrusive thoughts, but I can control myself much more easily and don't worry that I'm going to "lose it" around others. I felt some mild improvement by a week of low does meds. I bet you will start improving rapidly when you get what you need!