[Moonshadowfey]

I've been on here before asking about meds, but this is completely different. I started meds. I'm up to 100mg lamictal. I was also put on Rexulti for 7 days for awful depression and feeling like a shutdown zombie. None of this is what I want to talk about...just building up I guess.

I have so many things running through my head...imagine that. Ok here goes. This might be long because I just need to get this all out. I need it to get it out for others who may have some hope of understanding. I've had bipolar disorder for well, my whole life but wasn't diagnosed officially until a few months ago. It was the first time I had a full manic episode with the exception of some things that happened while I was on anti-depressants. I had been mildy depressed for many months (years?). I attributed it to graduating college and transitioning into the work force. Then I went to DragonCon (which I do every year), but something happened this year. On the last night I was there I received a compliment from a guy I had been playing games with the entire weekend. From this moment on, things started to build.

I started to feel great. I thought about this very attractive guy thinking I was hot. It felt like something inside me had woken up. My depression started to melt away. It started simple enough. I would start having moments of awesome happiness. I was hiking one day and just felt amazing. I started just laughing because of how great I was feeling. Over the next few weeks this started to build even more. Important detail to add here: I'm married and for years my hubby and I have been in an open relationship. No judgement for this please. I know its a weird thing that most people don't like but it had worked for us really well for a long time.

Next came the hypersexuality, no desire to eat, and sleep became less and less important. I went on a few dates with the intention of just hooking up with people. At this point, I was just riding the high not realizing it was mania. I would start getting ready for dates and looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that I was so amazing and so sexy. I have always had low self esteem and body image issues so I loved this change. I was still following the rules of the open relationship: hookups are fair game. The only real rule was that if either of us started to develop feelings then things were suppose to end. Husband is obviously suppose to be primary. This was workable for a while.

The mania started to get worse. I was at work and having trouble reading and concentrating because of the INSANE amount of energy and thoughts that were constantly in my head. I would try to do tasks that I had done thousands of times before but was unable to do them. I would be sitting at my desk twitching, pushing my chair in and out from the desk, obsessively squeezing a stress ball. The energy would keep building until I couldn't sit still. I went to the back room and started doing jumping jacks, but it didn't help. I called a therapist I had seen many times in the past. I had suspected BPD for a long time despite never officially being diagnosed. I had experienced hypomania in the past, but most of my therapists just figured it was feeling better after being depressed for so long.

After one conversation with the therapist, she knew I was bipolar. The diagnosis was based on past experience with anti depressants and new symptoms.

Anyways, things continued like this for a while. Then I broke all the rules of my relationship. I met someone; We hit it off. It turned out he was/is bipolar too. I loved it. I had someone that could fully relate to me on a level my husband was unable to understand. I was drawn in. I would get hit with an insane high energy moment and I would call this guy up to hangout. Things passed and I started to develop feelings, but I didn't want to end things. I finally had someone who understood what I was going through. I could use a single word or phrase and he would understand whereas with my husband it would like a 45 minute description and he still didn't understand.

All of this came to a head when I got a hotel room for me and this guy. We had an amazing night. The emotions were so intense. I felt so in love with him. It was the combination of mania and normal excitement of a new relationship. We shared intimate details of our lives with each other. We did (non sexual) things that I had always wanted to do with someone. We shared so many experiences in the span of a single night. We did also have sexual relations that night. I barely slept or ate that night. It had been days since I had gotten more than 3-4 hours of sleep. The next morning, I was convinced that I was leaving my husband and moving to a new city with this man that I had only met a few weeks ago.

I broke down when I get home and told my husband everything. He is an amazing man. His reaction was, "Have you ate?, Have you slept?" I said no to both. He made me dinner, gave me xanax to help me sleep, and put me to bed. Even after this, I didn't end things with this man. I felt so drawn to him. I felt so in love with him. I questioned everything in my life. We would meet up and having amazing conversations and amazing experiences.

Flash forward to now. I'm still married. I still have feelings for this other man. I have tried three times now to leave this man, but I keep getting drawn back in. My husband and I are in couples therapy and trying to reconnect with each other. I still can't believe he has stuck by my side through all of this. If the roles were reversed I would have been out the door a long time ago.

Now the mania has passed. I'm flipping between extreme depression, mixed episodes and brief moments of hypomania and normalcy. (I have rapid cycling bpd). I have gotten myself into a situation that I don't know how to handle. I feel so alone and I feel like no one understands. I love my husband, but I don't know if things will work with him. We are very different people and always have been but it was worked until now. I also don't feel the sexual connection with him like I once did. Apparently, this is somewhat normal in long term relationships according to our couples therapist.

I also still have feelings for this other man which is why I keep getting sucked back in. I have to fix the situation, but I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know I will have to. It kills me. The two men represent my two sides. If I leave the new man, I feel sadness and deep regret for what could have been. If I leave my husband then I will fell sadness and regret for what our future could be.

I'm so stuck. Until all this came about I was loving my mania and the intensely good feelings that came from it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to extract myself from either. I have gotten myself into a terrible situation because of my mania and I don't know what to do. I just feel so alone. No one understands. Maybe no one on here will either. I just needed to tell my story to someone and hope that someone can understand.

Tonight I cried so much. I have insomnia again. I took a xanax around 1AM and as soon as it wore off I woke up. I took another about 30 minutes ago because I know I need to sleep more than 4 hours, but it isn't doing anything. I feel wired, lost, hopeless, depressed, self hatred, and the thoughts are just never ending.

[wiretwister]

first do not feel bad about a low response ... many here can not make it thru such a long post ... I have always posted to mostly see it in print ... it makes it seem real ... it puts me outside myself ... it allows me to see my issues from a fresh perspective ... I have no real advice for you ... but I hope posting has helped to just get it out ... the people here are the best ... I pray you can find the support you seek ... with Love ... Tigger .

This is a tough situation. I guess my advice would be to get yourself stable and do some solo therapy before making any rash decisions. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I'm sorry things are so complicated right now. Hugs.

[Daonnachd]

Focus on the love and commitment your husband has been demonstrating. This may help you in honoring him and adhering to your promise.

It happens all the time that an individual in a relationship runs into someone with whom they hit things off, but that established relationship takes precedent. The second love will have to be set aside, accepting whatever resultant emotions arise.

It may cause hurt to this new man in your life, but he should understand that you’re committed to your husband. Don’t be afraid to lay it out for him. We don’t always get what we want, and I say that with full understanding.

I hope my perspective makes sense; it’s difficult to compose responses on a phone. A’best.

[Wild Coyote]

You are in a very tough position.
When choosing one, you lose the other.

I agree with the poster above: get into individualized therapy and discover more about yourself.

I have to say, your husband's commitment level is very high and quite honorable. Yet, please get to know yourself more, outside of either of these relationships.


WC