Why do my depressive symptoms change all the time?

First of all, I am sorry I'm posting here again... I just feel like I have to tell someone.

I have been depressed for a while now. At first the depression was hiding in the back and I was mostly restless and anxious, then I noticed I was losing my energy to do anything. And then I just really crashed. For weeks I haven't had any energy or interest to do anything. I just sleep or do nothing.

Lately I have been skipping lectures. Too tired to go. All my limbs felt so heavy. Mostly I have just slept, about 11-18h a day. I could not feel anything, just empty. It was kind of easy, I didn't have to care about anything.

Now it's changing. For couple days, I haven't slept that much. I wish I was still that tired physically that I could just sleep. It is like being dead without causing any trouble to family and friends. But no. I'm still not interested in doing anything. And doing nothing makes me bored, boredness drives me think about hurting myself. At least I can feel now, anxiety and something horrible inside me. I mostly just want to get drunk, at least it takes the pain away for a few hours. But I know it's not a good habit and it will cause damage and worsen my depression. I can't tell which one is worse, feeling nothing at all or feeling so horrible it becomes overwhelming...

Also I'm so lonely, I literally have nobody to talk to. Except my therapist once a week. I just hate myself so much when I am depressed. Mostly because I act so depressed, and I don't want to act like that or to be depressed. I wish I could just snap out of this. I wish I could be one of those people who don't believe depression exists.

Do your depressive symptoms vary or stay mostly the same?

My depressive symptoms vary as well. I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I understand. Thinking of you.

Sounds exactly like me. My depression will vary, the severity or how irritable I am, I go from sleeping all day to not being able to sleep even with medication and I would be exhausted. I have a few good days a month. Full blown manic maybe twice a year. But mostly I am jut hopelessly depressed. If you are feeling so low, I would bring it up to someone and perhaps there is a medication adjustment you can try. Dont give up! Tomorrow might be better!

You may talk here any time. Someone will read and respond. I kind of obsess over PC.
You're certainly in depression. I know that "too heavy" feeling and "do nothing because anything is too much."
Unfortunately I don't have a cure. I do know that doing something might help. Find anything positive to do, even something you enjoy as long as it's a positive, and do a little of it. It could help. Missing class is possibly going to hurt you in the long term. I assume classes because you used the word "lectures." Try to get back into them soon, please. This is your future and I know you care about it, but you're having trouble right now. The only person that truly cares about you first is you. Even if you're in a relationship with the best SO ever, you'll still have to take care of you first. I totally get the lonely part though. I've never had a relationship I didn't still feel somewhat alone in. I need a cat.

Mine tend to stay the same , the classic stuff I guess. I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch. I'm definitely someone who can relate on that level. As I've been graciously reminded from PC, you are not alone.

Mine vary also. I think you should mention it to your pdoc or therapist. I hate you are suffering. Best wishes for recovery

Mine vary. I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry you feel that you have no one to talk to, but please know that you have everyone here at PC to talk to any time.
Sometimes I'll feel very restless. Other times, I'll just stay in bed. It depends.

mine vary, too. I'm prone to severe, psychotic agitated depression. its...not fun. at least with the "atypical" on board, its less severe, less agitated, less pronounced psychosis, lol. always a good thing.

i seem to recall reading that treating depression is difficult, especially w/ bipolar disorders. factor in the way the daily meds affect us, plus psychosocial stuff, etc...gets tricksy.

Some of what you describe - agitation, restless with low mood - I would consider a mixed mood?

I can't say what causes it, or when the breakthrough happens, but moods shift like the wind in my bipolar life. I know its been going on for a few weeks now, so maybe a medication evaluation with your pdoc? I usually wouldn't give advice like this, because I hate the constant changing and back and forth with medication, BUT, changing medication worked miracles for me last summer.

It wasn't easy, and honestly it still isn't, I stuggle with a host of new problems and sleep issues, but I am definitely not as low as I used to be, or even dipped in that direction in quite some time.

I don't know if it will help, but just ask, you never know what will happen. I always feel in situations like you're in that it can't get any worse, so might as well try something different.

Brighter days are in your future, even though you may not see it yet. And as far as being alone, well, as others have said, you're never alone when you have us here at PC. Hugs and well wishes!